Mitt Romney: Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell

Aquarian Weekly 12/12/07 REALITY CHECK


A person should not be elected because of his faith, nor should he be rejected because of his faith. – Mitt Romney 12/6/07

Mitt RomneyHalleluiah! The voice of reason and enlightenment bellows from the voice of Mitt Romney, Republican, Mormon, Pro-Choice/Pro-Life, Pro-Gay Rights/Anti-Gay Marriage, Pro-War/ Anti-War candidate. Down in the Iowa polls and out nearly ten million bucks, he greases the hair, polishes the smile, floods the stage with American flags, and begins to flippantly deconstruct his party’s entire political platform for the past decade: Take religion out of politics? Ah, but wait, in literally the same rancid breath he lauds the tenets of Christian faith as not only a prerequisite for his own candidacy, but the very fabric of the nation and its government.

It is the worst kind of pandering, pathetically transparent and manipulative, reeking of disingenuous double-speak. It humps the very ghost of the Checker’s Speech and pays homage to the demons of Tammany Hall, rendering Romney either perfect presidential timber or a madman.

Mitt Romney may be a two-bit carney grifter with the morals of a guttersnipe, but I’m willing to forgive him for that. Most presidential candidates possess the guttersnipe gene. It is inherent. No one can achieve lasting success in this game without it. Survival is impossible for those bound to high-ethics. Principles are for losers. So we must exonerate pusillanimity in our big-time politicians. However, what we can no longer willingly accept is another crazy man in the White House. Eight years of this non sequitur seat-of-the-pants lunacy is quite enough for any civilized nation outside of Central America.

I’m sorry, but it is painfully difficult for anyone not using dung for brains to fathom why a republican candidate running for any office save dogcatcher would question the inclusion of his religious authenticity. Mere desperation? Sure, for a Democrat. But what party crammed this mindless claptrap into the public discourse in the first place?

There’s video playing on my computer screen right now of Romney questioning why people need to know his religious convictions. He is stunned that his Mormonism would be an issue in his campaign.

What the…?

Perhaps he’s kidding? I’m always down for humor in the grind of a difficult stump. Maybe Romney is just cutting it up. That must be it. He’s a jokester. Not crazy, but merely funny. But no one is laughing. No. They are applauding. He looks deadly serious.

The only explanation left is Romney’s leaning on his strength, lying, but despite his astounding proclivity for the craft, he’s not even a good liar. For the duration of his crumbling campaign the best he’s done is say he either didn’t mean something or he now believes something else. Once again, this is all fine and dandy. In fact, lying is a prerequisite for the presidency, so he had better bone up, especially if he plans on lying at this Herculean rate.

But please, no more babbling frat-house coke fiends hooked on Jesus who run to deranged, crippled old warmongers for policy judgment!

Perhaps Romney is just stupid. Yes, dumb. Reagan was as dumb as a pole. And LBJ had cobwebs in his frontal lobes. Hell, you can be an idiot and still lead.

Wait, Romney’s still speaking. He’s reversed course again and says that although his particular sect of Christianity is off limits, (Mormons are considered cultists by the rest of Christianity) it is important that religion stay in our nation’s forefront in everything from celebrating Christmas to swearing in on the Bible, and those opposed to all this “have taken the separation of church and state beyond its original meaning.”

Wait! What? Hasn’t he just called for a separation of church and state so we can leave him alone about his wacky beliefs? And how does Romney know this so-called “original meaning”? Has he engaged in séance with Thomas Jefferson lately? This sounds awfully close to George W. Bush consulting the Virgin Mary on bombing the Middle East.

Perhaps Romney is just stupid. Yes, dumb. Reagan was as dumb as a pole. And LBJ had cobwebs in his frontal lobes. Hell, you can be an idiot and still lead. But he doesn’t appear to have mental deficiencies. Romney speaks clearly enough and seems to believe most of what he says. I always felt Al Gore and John Kerry lost because they were phonies that didn’t quite embrace phoniness. This is why they could never grasp the finer points of campaigning. You could never quite shake the feeling while listening to them that they’d stolen someone else’s identity and were caught in a disquieting plot of alien design.

Romney has that look right now as he blurts out the phrase “moral convictions” every thirty seconds to keep from convulsing. I half expect a reptile to explode from his rib cage at any moment.

Watch Romney speak some time. Really watch him. The eyes dart spastically, the brow furrows, his speech patterns falter and then queer altogether. He often looks like the boy who has just realized he’s lost in a department store; that eerily suspended moment of panic-clarity before the freak-out.

“It is important to recognize that while differences in theology exist between the churches in America, we share a common creed of moral convictions.”

Creed? No they don’t. Not at all. I have a Jewish friend on the phone right now.

“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”

“What? No!”

I’m dialing up a Muslim as Romney keeps rolling.

“Religion and freedom endure together or perish alone.”

I’m not even sure what that means. Is that some kind of existential gobbledygook designed to hypnotize the elderly? Where is this going? Are we supposed to include Romney’s Christian tenets or ignore them? Is religion in or out of this thing? Are we to consider his incredibly passionate and enduring sense of faith and at the same time not expect him to be influenced by it? I’m confused. I’m not sure what this guy stands for or what he is capable of? I like his tie, though. He looks presidential in a way. He moves his hands in a subtle but forceful manner. I am beginning to love his indescribable aura of invincibility and ambiguity, like the living embodiment of an epic poem. He appears as a god.

My taxes are paid. My future is secure. War is over. Praise Jesus!

I like his chances.

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