2006 Midterm Elections Dilemma

Aquarian Weekly 10/11/06 REALITY CHECK


Dennis HastertHere’s my midterm elections ’06 dilemma: Continue to root for the hapless Democrats to crash and burn one last time to put a final nail in their coffin and leave the dismantling of the two-party system to this abortion the Republicans have fashioned over the past decade…or…pull for the Democrats to sweep into Congress and begin the always-entertaining Investigation/Impeachment Follies for the next two years.

Double-edged sword: either way you win and lose.

It is no secret that the Republicans are ready to be had, and if the Democrats can’t do it now there really is no logical reason to have them around, save for laughs and sympathy. Therefore, this should be the Democrats last ride at the rodeo, opening the doors for some kind of third party or Independent run to wade into the quagmire that is the legislative branch of our fancy federal government.

All of this, of course, is the fantasy notion of a pathetic man, who still believes in the “better angels of our nature”, despite centuries of corruption, madness, and disaster. But forgive me, I dream because I must.

But it would take an October Surprise worthy of Disney or the Bible to keep the Republicans in power now, despite the parade of mediocrity coming from the opposition, because let’s face it kids, the GOP is reeling.

There hasn’t been this kind of fallout on Capital Hill since the near shooting of Missouri Senator Tom Benton by the blabbering lunatic Henry Foote 166 years ago. Foote, a fun-loving senator from Mississippi, was a terrible goon with a short fuse and no boundaries, but he would’ve fit in well with the present legislators, who have presently turned the U.S. Congress into a Martin Scorsese film.

Forget the Abramoff stuff, which on any normal calendar year would land half of Congress in prison. That’s merely the opening act.

Things have gotten so bad you half expect the bastard offspring of Caligula to burst through the chamber two-fisting Jack Daniels and brandishing a Luger.

Since, we have mounds of proof Texas Congressman Tom Delay has been ripping off taxpayers for as long as he’s been sworn in. Then there is the curious case of Virginia Senator George Allen Jr., who has now publicly taken racist stump banter to new levels and spent three days last week apologizing for having a Jewish mother so vehemently you’d think he was caught sniffing coke off the ass of a teenaged hooker. And what can anyone make of Mark Foley? The Florida Representative’s text-message romp with young male pages, and the apparent cover-up from spin-conscious Republican leaders, presents just the right kind of creepy for potential voters.

Things have gotten so bad you half expect the bastard offspring of Caligula to burst through the chamber two-fisting Jack Daniels and brandishing a Luger.

Never mind the albatross that is our Boy President defending his vacillating approval numbers, scores of defamatory book releases, and one too many Donald Rumsfeld media events, but these baffling presidential news conferences are straight out of Lewis Carroll. When Bush starts yammering on about this Iraq War of his being the “fight for civilization as we know it” I pray for an apparition of the Mad Hatter to materialize and bash him in the back of the head with a cricket bat.

But that’s just what this reporter is willing to explore in the first week of October with three more weeks of rallies and pratfalls. Things have a way of turning around more than once these days.

To wit: Just last week things were looking up for the president and his wounded charges. Firstly, gas prices were plummeting, and crazy people were calling him Satan at the UN, proving once and for all what kind of reeking farce that gaggle of has-beens are running on the East Side, as they more or less pull off the impossible: Make the bully look like the victim.

But wacky Venezuelan despots aside, the Bill Clinton FOXNEWS meltdown made even the goofy Dick Chaney “Meet The Press” escapade look sober. Why a man who was once the leader of the free world would need to get into a schoolyard piss match with a hack like Chris Wallace is beyond me. Maybe the part of Big Bill’s brain that chose to solicit Oval Office head from the kid intern took over. Either way, it was a calling card to many voters that there still lurks mania in the hearts of the Democrats’ best and brightest.

Then the Foley thing hit the fan and House Speaker Dennis Hastert had the balls to use politics as his party’s “cover-up” defense, as in his Washington Post quote, “I know our opponents want me to be guilty of something.” Does he mean opponents of congressmen using government property (the people’s property) to flirt with underage boys, and then the Republican leadership covering it up? I’m sure we can find a few of those.

Bad news for Hastert is these opponents vote. But good news for Hastert is most people, especially mid-westerners and southerners, would sooner vote for a bumbling Republican skank then hand the reigns over to the scary Democrats. It gives me the same sense of American pride I felt when listening to the National Organization of Women defend the predatory nature of the aforementioned Mr. Clinton.

But, be that as it may, we have a job to do here, and despite our dilemma we shall shoulder on.

There are 33 seats available in the Senate. With the vice president holding a deciding vote, the Dems need a swing of at least seven seats of them for a bonafide majority (this does not count Vermont Jim Jeffords, who is an independent and repeatedly votes Democrat). Depending on what poll you use, there or about six to seven seats legitimately up for grabs, two or three firmly in the GOP column, and five to six leaning to the Democrats, four of which are currently Republican.

This will be a tough go for the Democrats, but we will begin to discuss the states, seats, and races in question next week.

On to the House, where the Dems need to pick up roughly 16 of the 31 open seats (three vacancies to consider), to gain a majority. Again, without getting into particulars, this is a more realistic quest for the Democrats to sniff power, but no gimmie.

I fear the only “gimmie” is this space will likely despise the results, whatever the results, and spend the ensuing years mocking the victors.

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