Why I Should Be A Jurror

Aquarian Weekly 4/4/07 REALITY CHECK


The following was presented to the Passaic County Courthouse on 3/27/07 in care of the honorable Assignment Judge Robert. J. Passero. Unfortunately or fortunately the author did not stick around long enough to experience the privilege of serving as a juror. He was dismissed for being a freelance journalist.

Your honor,

In accordance with my citizen’s duty, I am obliged to show up today raring to judge. Lucky for you and the great state of New Jersey, judging others is one of my strongest attributes. I have taken the art beyond mere hobby. To judge, for me, is a way of life. And, be assured, I do not take lightly the right to join a congress of my peers to cast aspersion on another in legal and binding terms. On the contrary, I am deadly serious about the opportunity to stand between someone’s freedom and incarceration, pay-off or rip-off, fractured contractual agreements and daily mishap. If I may be so bold, I say Yee-Ha!

I have also accepted that we now live in a police state, and to stand against the jack-boot mentality would only alert the authorities to my otherwise radical subculture lifestyle, and this will not stand. Not with summer coming and my thirst for questionable activities gaining sickening momentum in my heart. If nothing else, for the sake of propriety and subterfuge, I shall act attentively prosaic and do my part.

Last, but certainly not least, I thought, being straddled with this damnable writer tag, it is also my duty to express some of my personal feelings about this whole “standing in judgment” thing.

First off I think the Biblical axiom attributed to Jesus about “not judging, lest ye be judged” is silly. This is a scurrilous misquote, among a glaring host in the thing. Jesus was a big-time judger. He judged the sick and the lame, the criminal element, and the overall loons of his society as enviable reflections of a flawed Godhead. He also made it his business to judge religious folk as hypocritical vipers damned to a soulless eternity of blackness. Far be it for some twenty-first century middle-class jackass like me to argue with that kind of beautiful craziness. So count me in.

Secondly, I am well acquainted with guilt. As Master George Carlin once said, “I don’t need to see any evidence, I can pick out the guilty right off.” I’m guilty. You’re guilty. Who isn’t? No one is purely innocent. The whole system is out of order. We can’t handle the truth. All of that. I feel guilty for even writing this. I’m sorry. I take it back. I feel better now. You see? Guilt is good.

Finally, if you must know, I think the law is more or less a nifty concept, when and if it applies to my general philosophy. In the interest of full disclosure, let me list some of the prime examples for you:

1. I will never have a hand in convicting anyone of strictly a drug-related crime. I do not believe drugs, any drugs, or in the case of this country, certain recreational drugs, should be illegal. To qualify my meaning of “strictly” – the possession of or selling of said drugs. If a person goes mental on drugs and stabs his grandmother or steals my car to pay for a drug habit, then all bets are off. I do not see these infractions as “drug-related”, however. They are related to the acts of stupid fuck-ups. Stupid fuck-ups come in all shapes and sizes, whether on drugs or booze or caffeine or dumbstruck by any other vice. I read somewhere some dipshit went ballistic after seeing a Disney film and shot a grocer. Should we then ban Goofy? I think not. It is our character, not our use of narcotics that makes us guilty.

2. I’m a big fan of the death penalty for rapists. The type of rape matters not. Rape equals death. I also think the victim should get to perform the execution, and not some pussy lethal injection either. Chain the fuckers up and let the woman have at it with the medieval weapon of her choice, a mace, spear, sword, or whatever the big log with the spike in it is called. Also, women rapists don’t count. Men expend countless amounts of energy fantasizing about being raped by a woman, any woman. Believe it. And no sexy teacher seducing a teenaged boy is going to jail on my watch either. I just would like to know where these teachers were when I was breaking the world record for jacking off.

3. The penalty for any questionable business practice, whether ripping off the government, illegally dumping toxic waste, corporate tax shelters, bait-and-switch, outright lying, surreptitious sub-contracting, insider bribes, identity theft, conning the elderly, or shitty customer service should be punishable by rank. In other words, find the CEO or president of the company or proprietor of the concern and castrate him, or remove the uterus if it happens to be a woman. These people cannot be allowed to produce offspring. And please, mother of God, let me sit on that jury.

4. Crooked politicians should be taken to the state capital and exposed in stocks. In addition, each taxpaying citizen of the county/state/township gets to come down and throw one piece of rotten fruit at them. If it is a servant of the federal government, the accused is to be shackled to the Capital rotunda and all tourists (they must be American citizens) get to kick them in the ass for one month.

5. All celebrities breaking the law, with the notable exception of substance abuse, should be deported. Just kick them the hell out of the country for life.

6. Any persons torturing animals must be sentenced to listening to my wife scream in their faces until they become unconscious, and then taken to live in a dog kennel for no shorter than one calendar year.

7. Since your courthouse stands in downtown Paterson, home of an alarming number of 9/11 hijackers, I would be remiss in not mentioning terrorists. I believe anyone caught in the act of terrorism should be executed on the spot. If they are Muslim, shoot them with bullets dipped in pigs’ blood, like Patton. This way they are defiled and cannot go to heaven with all the virgins.

I appreciate your time and consideration and want to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to make public my hopes and dreams for a stronger and more God-fearing democracy. The court system is the backbone of our society and it is only as good as those who sit in the jurors’ box. I only hope, nay, pray that more people think as I do with the same awe and fervor for our great institution of law.

Yours in litigation,


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