God Smotes Jerry Falwell

Aquarian Weekly 5/30/07


Falwell's JusticeEditor’s Note: We received a curious e-mail at The Desk around midnight on 5/16 from a giddy James Campion, who, lying in a champagne haze in his villa on the Amalfi Coast, had just been informed of the passing of Jerry Falwell on the BBC. It simply read – “Today there is proof there is a Living God, Creator of all things, great and small, protector of the weak and arbiter of ultimate judgment for the wicked. I know because I just received a telegram from Her. Make sure it makes Reality Check before the body’s cold. The world must know the truth! I am saved! Allah, or whatever, be praised!”

The following is what we received via Federal Express the next day. For reasons apparently only known to omniscient rulers of universes, g, as She likes to be addressed, writes in lower-case. This has lead the rest of us to believe e.e. cummings may have been some type of supernatural being, but that is for another column. Also, the thing came written in Portuguese, so take that how you would like. I can tell you, it was no joy ride translating it. There’s more than a little pressure that goes with interpreting the Lord’s commentary.

dear humanity,

sorry it took so long to ace jerry falwell. i’ve been kinda busy, what with eons of nonsense from the fifth galaxy and all these universes running disjointed from one another. who has time for the fun stuff, like striking down one of the truly grievous assholes ever to bi-pedal his way around a planet.

i wanted to begin by apologizing for all of falwell’s ridiculous hate-speak in my name. none of it is true. not a lick. he made it up. all of it, especially that goofy shit about me leveling judgment on 9/11. falwell was so full of crap even his name wasn’t falwell, it was fartknocker. but i guess it would be pretty hard to be taken seriously as reverend fartknocker, so he changed it.

so pretty much falwell was a lie, completely and consistently. he was the one who hated homosexuals and feminists and fornicators and pornographers and pro-choicers. not me. i don’t hate anyone. not even jerry. i make everything, right? without me, nothing. consequently, as a deity, i cannot stomach jack-offs running down my creations. this is why jerry had to go, eventually. i just never got around to it.

i bet your asking right now, “why doesn’t she smote osama bin laden or kim jong il or rosie o’donnell? a fair question, but one i don’t have to answer because i am all knowing and all powerful, and most of all, mysterious. i work in mysterious ways. you ever hear that bit? that one is true.

but back to falwell. creatures like this really burn me up. they’re always going on and on about what i say and what i stand for, but what it really comes down to is all that stuff is their own agenda, heaved on me so they don’t have to be guilty about shaming others or judging others or feeling superior to everyone. guilt, by the way, is also my fault. but it’s a necessary evil. believe me when i tell you, you guys need it. earth is fucked up enough. could you imagine if no one felt badly about it? jesus. oh, and speaking of jesus, i didn’t kill him or ask him to die or anything like that. that’s more ego bullshit from guilt-mongers, but i digress.

i must also apologize to jerry’s followers. i am sincerely sorry he was a lier and a con man and an insecure weasel. you may as well move onto believing in something else. try scientology. i dig that one. it’s as good as any of the other junk, just without all the land grabs, suicide bombers, and funny costumes, and you get to hang with celebrities. by the way, i approve of all religions, and most horse racing results, also the fact that the smartest man in the universe is bound to a wheel chair, and that most evil fuckers have all the money. why not? makes for interesting theater where I come from. life ain’t fair. maybe you heard that one too.

look, i’m not really one for getting involved with you people. the flood thing was the last of it. i got a lot of guff for that one. so, sue me. it was a knee-jerk reaction. i was pissed. didn’t you ever fly off the handle and regret it? but you ain’t god, so no one notices. but every once in a great while I need to get involved, and i thought it was good a time as any to set things straight with falwell. oh, and i would be worried if you were pat robertson or any of these other poser do-good pansy-ass dipshit preacher types. i might do a whole sweep come september. anyway, that’s my deadline.

okay, I gotta go. so keep screwing each other over and fucking up the planet. we have a pool over here in the nether regions of the galaxy. we’re pretty sure you guys will go belly up first. i’ve got the year 3048. of course everyone thinks it’s fixed since i see all and know all and stuff. but who’s gonna argue? i’m the big cheese.

go in peace, or something or other

– g

ps – by the way, satan says hi.

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