GOP Insider Comes Clean

Aquarian Weekly 11/2/05 REALITY CHECK

A VIEW FROM THE BARRICADES Part IIA Top Republican Informant Comes Clean

Scooter LibbyThe following is the remainder of highlights from an over one-hour chat with this space’s most trusted Republican source, Georgetown, who was, to say the least feisty, but more in the vicinity of pissed by this point in the conversation.

James Campion: Before we leave these hearings on the Valerie Plame outing case, there is mounting evidence that this thing leads all the way to the vice president’s office. Now if Cheney is implicated, in any way, do you think he should stand trial or resign?

Georgetown: Cheney is untouchable, simply because that is precisely the type of finger pointing that has gotten this administration in the drink in Iraq in the first place. Private discussions about enemies of the White House do not have to end up in the NY Times or on Robert Novak’s desk. This is Libby’s problem, not Cheney’s.

jc: Yes, but Judith Miller has already testified to the fact that Cheney used her and the Times as his personal proving ground for war propaganda as far back as 2002. The vice president planted pro-war evidence in the Times in mid-week before a Sunday appearance on Meet The Press and then pointed to the story as proof of his argument for invasion. He did this directly and not with Scooter Libby’s assistance or even knowledge to my understanding.

GT: Look, no one is denying Cheney used his connections in the press to get his agenda out there. Who doesn’t do that? You’re using me right now?

jc: I’m a pissant columnist for a weekly music magazine. This is the Vice President of the United States, who, by all accounts now, hijacked the presidency from a hick dunderhead and rushed this nation into war on flimsy evidence. And all the time this shit-heel is telling everyone how swimmingly this will all go. I think he predicted a month or two of clean up, didn’t he?

GT: If you want to waste time trying to build a case against a vice president pushing White House policy on eager reporters you’re going to sound naïve. You know how this works. It’s the same reasons you and I both forgive a conniving little snake like Rove his underhanded weapons to protect the president. You know how this game works.

jc: Granted, but what about the effect of the Cheney implications on the party?

“Private discussions about enemies of the White House do not have to end up in the NY Times or on Robert Novak’s desk. This is Libby’s problem, not Cheney’s.

GT: Our plans for ’06 include spin doctoring this mess away from the candidates. That’s all that counts now. And there’s no sense speculating on this case until the prosecutor comes clean anyway. Look, no one with half a brain thinks Cheney didn’t leak this info on Plame to his assistants. It really begins with Cheney, but it should have also ended there.

jc: In the end, this whole thing is just a manifestation of the war propaganda machine that began three years ago. There was a sense of fantasy being conjured from the Cheney people, through Rumsfeld’s camp and pumped into the Oval Office. It is well documented that there was a fight about making a case for war in the White House, was there not? I specifically cite Woodward’s book that quotes Bush copiously on his indecisiveness regarding the CIA’s “slam dunk” case for invasion.

GT: I’ve been trying to tell you this for years now. This myth about Iraq being Bush’s war is nonsense. It’s his in the literal sense that he is commander-in-chief and makes the final call, but I think the president, and I’m pretty sure this is the accepted reality among top level Republicans, was less a hawk than some voices in this administration, yes.

jc: I smell a Reagan sneak-out-the-back-door plan here. Bush is going to claim responsibility even though he was duped, right?

GT: I don’t agree. Let’s leave it at that.

jc: What is your take on this crazy shit former Colin Powell assistant, Larry Wilkerson recently said about his time at the State Department. He described the war contingent at the White House as “cowboys”, Condoleezza Rice as “weak” and he said of former defense undersecretary Douglas Feith: “Seldom in my life have I met a dumber man.”

GT: I can’t speak for Wilkerson. He said those things at a closed affair for the New American Foundation.

jc: This may be, but he told the group that the president repeatedly told the state department to “screw off” when they piped up against the bogus CIA intelligence, and I quote, “What I saw for four-plus years was a case I have never seen in my studies of aberrations, bastardizations, perturbations, changes to the national security decision-making process.” The guy is on record, I saw the tape, as saying the American people should know that the State Department doesn’t exist anymore.

GT: If that’s Wilkerson’s take, then you should take it up with Wilkerson.

jc: But my point of bringing it up to you is to get your opinion on if Wilkerson has an axe to grind or was bumped like Richard Clarke or is some kind of loose canon. Too many of these former government officials have piles of dirt on this presidency and this war.

GT: He’s Powell’s boy. Powell was unhappy about fronting the war effort to the UN, which the Bush Administration did not have and obviously does not have any use for. State has to eat shit for war presidents. It’s as old as the hills. This doesn’t mean Wilkerson doesn’t have a point, whatever that is, it just means it is common griping.

jc: Look, fuck the war and the recent past, let’s just say that this nation’s ability to negotiate in the foreign arena has been paralyzed. Is that a fair statement?

GT: No. It is not fair, and it’s only broached because it backs your argument for a Kerry Administration to wipe the slate clean for Bush’s sins. It was not going to happen. Forget my affiliation with the party and know this; if this president, and not his successor, does not clean up this mess in Iraq, it will drag on for a decade or more. When Nixon was handed Viet Nam, he was handed a fixed game. Kerry would have failed miserably and then shrugged his shoulders and blamed the whole thing on Bush. But he did not run as an anti-war candidate. That was Howard Dean’s trip and he was pummeled in a Democrat primary. These Democrats do not get to cry foul now. They’re as guilty as Bush.

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GOP Insider Comes Clean

Aquarian Weekly 10/26/05 REALITY CHECK

A VIEW FROM THE BARRICADES Part I GOP Insider Comes Out Swinging

Harriet Miers & FriendGOP Insider Comes Out Swinging The Republicans are reeling. The president has gone haywire and his approval ratings are plummeting by the week. Iraq has now out-lasted the First World War in length and busted every American military record for burning money. Congressmen and senior advisors are being dragged into court like common thugs and the Supreme Court is filling up with Bush drinking buddies. The Second Term curse is in full swing. If there ever was a time to tap into the heart of the Grand Old Party, it is now. This means trolling the depths with our resident snitch insider and all-around character sniper, Georgetown.

Usually, even during what Georgetown dubbed “the dark days of Democrat rule” it was easy to get an audience with him. The last few years, when the Religious Right started running the country and propaganda freaks rode high in the saddle, he called weekly. Things were sunnier then. His team was on top, running wild inside the Beltway. But times are hard and informants and anonymous sources have become dangerous liaisons. Jail is a tough place to network, even for the initiated.

We were supposed to speak two weeks ago when the controversial Harriet Miers’ Supreme Court nomination hit the streets and conservative pundits began having the kind of fits that can shake the foundation of the Republican power base. The last time a Bush president pissed these people off (“Read my lips, no new taxes.”) it cracked the party in two, creating the mad troll Ross Perot and ushered in the Minister of Fun for eight years of gut-busting mayhem. But Georgetown did not return my repeated calls. The word I got was that he was angered by my “Karl Rove Is Innocent” campaign, which has obviously gone belly up. Turns out he wasn’t ready to bark.

Late Monday, 10/17 he began to bite.

James Campion: Let’s start with the Miers’ pick for Supreme Court. Do you, or more to the point; major conservative voices in the party take this as a slap in the face or another maverick move by a political loose cannon?

Georgetown: Firstly, I do not speak for the party as a whole or the conservative wing of the party directly. Let’s get it on record that I am more representative of the fiscally conservative wing. Our problems have been with this bloated federal budget, these insane immigration laws, the irresponsible Medicare Bill, and this cash-draining nation building this president promised would never be. I understand this president is in office because of the fine work done by Rove and his cronies getting out the religious vote. Rove is the one who has to worry that these people were assured of a challenge to Roe vs. Wade this time around if they put his boy back into office, but that is not our concern.

jc: So you think the extreme right wing of the party is being unfair to Bush?

“The president owes the base. He has chosen to ignore it. That is going to be a problem for the 2006 mid-term elections and therein lies the big problem, because, as it is, you lose seats in a second term mid-term election anyway. This mess has made it more difficult for key candidates next fall, period.

GT: I didn’t say that. What I’m saying is that if you’re talking to me my problems surround a different argument with this president. Now, if you were to get into the social conservative wing then these people have a right to feel betrayed. There are dozens of qualified judges on the right who have solid records of being strict constructionists and social conservatives. This is the base of the party now, like it or not, and they put this administration back in office. The president owes the base. He has chosen to ignore it. That is going to be a problem for the 2006 mid-term elections and therein lies the big problem, because, as it is, you lose seats in a second term mid-term election anyway. This mess has made it more difficult for key candidates next fall, period.

jc: It’s hard to nail down what conservatives I’m talking to. You have the religious conservatives like Jerry Falwell, then there is the religious/isolationist/fiscal conservatives like Pat Buchanan, then there is the intelligentsia conservatives like Bill Krystal and George Will, and then the wacky hick conservatives like Charlie Daniels and Rush Limbaugh.

GT: I’m not sure if I’m supposed to respond to this, but I will say Will’s comment that ‘Miers’ has had seven decades on this planet to form an opinion, but there is no record of it’ was brilliant. I thought Stephanopoulos’ head was going to explode.

jc: If you need a question, I’m asking: The conservative outcry on Miers is what then? Is it primarily with Bush’s hubris or a sense that there are no political guarantees for the Right to Life crowd?

GT: There is a sense that this president has chickened out, yes. He does not want a fight on this nomination. The Hurricane disaster put him on this spiral downward and he bet his legacy on this goddamned war. Now he watches the Social Security battle fizzle out and tries to avoid further political bloodshed with this god-awful nomination.

jc: Most of these people pot-shotting Bush are hawks. Are you telling me you didn’t defend this war now?

GT: The war is not the issue; it is the post-war plan or policing of this state with no end that is draining the party politically and crippling the country financially. I’ll tell you this, if you want to see bloodshed, let this maniac raise taxes to pay for all of it. Then you will see a revolt.

jc: What are you really worried about? The Democrats can’t take advantage of anything. This president was a fucking mess last summer and survived it all swimmingly. You think Hillary Clinton has a prayer to be president? Did you see the poll numbers for 85% of this nation? These people are living in the dark ages. Caligula would beat Hillary like a rented mule in 30 states.

GT: To hell with the executive branch. We could jail a Democrat in the White House if we keep congress. This is what Bush is banking on now. Think about it. You think one of these Republican Senators will fail to vote for Miers? I’d like to see it. Maybe one will protest. The rest is history.

jc: With Rove in court daily, you have any idea who is advising Bush now on whether he should consider rescinding the nomination?

GT: You’re kidding, right? Have you paid no attention to this man’s track record? There are so many yes-people in the White House now it would be hard to convince the president he isn’t the Sun God.

jc: Is Scooter Libby or Karl Rove going to jail? Because that would be boss.

GT: I think they’ll be indicted and then quit. It will be difficult to convict these people.

jc: Has there been a second term for a president in our lifetime where administration lackeys didn’t get indicted or investigated for something or other?

GT: No.


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Tom Delay – Road Kill

Aquarian Weekly 10/12/05 REALITY CHECK


Tom DelayRemember Trent Lott? Everyone loved him. Especially Republicans. He was the face and breath of the GOP Washington comeback, a steely-eyed straight-laced God Boy in the mold of the New Right. But then he uttered some questionable observations about a celebrated racist fossil named Strom Thurmond, things about how if Thurmond has been elected president a hundred or so years ago we wouldn’t have all these problems around here, or some other ridiculous ranting. Then he was gone. Poof. Histoire, as the French would say; histoire like another Republican champion by the name of Newt Gingrich. Now we have Tom Delay. He soon will be gone.

But it doesn’t matter, Republican or Democrat. They have more waiting in the wings. There is always someone else, like that “Body Snatchers” movie. They grow them somewhere, mostly the university law programs, specifically in the south where they produce political manure with toothless abandon. And, let’s face it; we cannot help but vote for these guys. Shit, I can’t get enough of covering them. We are blindly smitten with slick talking greasy-haired power ties telling us we’re immoral slobs while they launder funds and redistrict all over the joint to fix the game.

So now Tom Delay, after about two-dozen ethics charges against him in as many years, acts like Bill Clinton, the man he hates. And, of course, we get the predictable hemming and hawing and PR trips to FOX NEWS, where he acts like Rubin Hurricane Carter. I was framed! Yes, he is a victim. And I’ll be playing centerfield for the Yankees next season.

Delay, for his part, is quite good at defending himself. He ought to be. He does it an awful lot. If he were a crack head or a sex addict, it would be more interesting. But he is a cheater, and we don’t like cheaters, unless they cheat for us. And Delay only seems interested in cheating for his own gain. That ain’t cool. And unless you consider being the Majority House Leader above the law or a case of earning the right to screw the system, then chances are you have seen the last of Tom Delay. Just like Trent Who? and the other white-haired piker who is now a pundit or a cast member of A Surreal Life.

This is what happens in Washington. It’s like High School. You get one fuck up, then you are branded, and then you can’t get the good pot or a descent date. You’re ostracized.

This is a country built on violent reprisal for those who try and tell us how to run our lives. Look it up. It’s all a matter of permanent record.

But Delay had to see it coming. He’s been around awhile. Once he got all preachy and dumb during the Terri Schiavo case he had a target on his back. No one likes strangers directing their destiny in speeches. People actually prefer cheaters to those who tell them how to run their lives. This is a country built on violent reprisal for those who try and tell us how to run our lives. Look it up. It’s all a matter of permanent record.

The other prime reasons Delay is a doomed man are the recent rumblings about Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist’s insider trading like a riverboat gambler. The Frist thing is sketchy, but turns up the heat on who the party will inevitably turn its back on. Someone has to be thrown from the ship. It’s taking on water and there’s another Supreme Court nominee to consider and an election 13 months away. The president’s approval ratings are at an all-time low and the Katrina disaster had the federal government, whether fair or not – and momma told me life is anything but fair – looking like a gaggle of lazy, confused dunderheads. Then there is the not-so mysterious case of Bill Bennett.

Bennett, a former Reagan poof and Drug Czar for a nation swimming in drugs, is the Empower America, rid the world of smut and rock music dickweed who was busted a few years ago failing to make good on monstrous gambling loses. Apparently he is one of a trillion rightwing criminals (G. Gordon Liddy, Ollie North) with a radio show. Actually, everyone has a radio show. I would check your calendar; you’re on in ten minutes. Anyway, this jabbering buffoon told a caller last week that although abortion is a sin and an abomination, it might just reduce the crime rate if more black children were aborted.

Now although I despise everything about Bennett, and, of course, think his projection of unborn criminals spuriously inaccurate, despite glaring numbers that some 70% of crimes are committed by African Americans, I admittedly have espoused in this space that there are not enough abortions; black, white, green or otherwise. And anyone shocked or in disagreement with this statement should take a ride on a New York subway or drive through downtown Baltimore or check out some parts of the southeast of the republic. Either that or watch more television for the best examples of how accelerated abortion trends could benefit the national gene pool.

Then again, we wouldn’t have to listen to Bill Bennett’s nonsense if someone had been prescient enough to dump his fetus into the toilet.

But I digress considerably.

The deal is about to go down for Delay, win or lose. This war in Iraq has reached a Lewis Carroll kind of bizarre. I half expect the Walrus to show up at these Senate hearings. In fact, I think Donald Rumsfeld, who apparently has nude pictures of the Bush girls, which he’s successfully used to bribe our Boy President to keep his job, may actually be the Walrus. Goo goo g’ joob.

Alas, Delay will be allowed to stick around. They all are one way or the other, aren’t they? But his wings are effectively clipped. His days of pontificating are all but through. He’ll probably beat one or two of these raps on technicalities and other law-speak loop holes, collect a paycheck and look smart, but as far affecting the national political landscape…that ship has left the dock without him. And for now, I guess, it will have to do.

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Solutions For OPEC Price Gouging

Aquarian Weekly 9/21/05 REALITY CHECK


Saudi Oil I think this space has made perfectly clear its low expectations for our Boy President. Many liberals think him evil and mad. He isn’t. Those on the right celebrate his tough frankness. Not exactly. The best and worst you can rate him against most modern presidents is limited. I have used mediocre to describe his tenure. I still think this description apt. Granted, the second term thing carries with it a predictable kind of doom, like the ragged end of his incoherent sentences, but for the most part, George W. Bush is unlucky, unprepared, and a shitty leader. Establishing this, there is one thing we did not count on – this pathetic inability to manage these OPEC cretins.

Regardless of what you think of Dick Chaney or Donald Rumsfeld or the Halliburton gang or whomever you’d like to name for crimes against humanity or heroic duty against all odds, none of us thought these rich bastards would allow OPEC to sink the world economy, and with it, the Republican Party. And this Republican congress; what a bunch of pussies. Where is the GOP iron fist? Where is the big corporate greed for the good of the US dollar? Where are the strong words and calming aphorisms from the fiscally sound party?

I’d be willing to put up with these outlandish civil rights abuses, gay bashing, and religious fanaticism if somebody would make even a veiled attempt at ceasing this price gouging. Maybe we can exhume Regan and prop him up on the world stage like the old days. We’ll get Springsteen to play “Born In The USA” and then complain its been co-opted by kill freaks.

No American engineers, no oil production. No oil production, no printing of money. Balls in vice. Prices lower.

I don’t want to hear about alternative sources of energy either. This is nonsense. That dog didn’t have wings during the Carter Gas Crisis, and it can barely trot now. I wonder how many Arabs we have to kill to get this under two bucks a gallon. Is it wrong to call for an assassination in a column? Hearst did it. McKinley, I think. Then someone shot the poor bastard and we were all giddy about the power of the pen.

But I wouldn’t write such nonsense. Not now. Hearst was a maniac. His wife was a dummy and his best newsmen spent weekends in opium dens. He had his reasons, and I have mine. We’re at war, ostensibly for oil, or freedom, or security, or some such shit. I don’t know. I do know that three bucks a gallon for gasoline is stupid, especially with oil barons running things. And if they have the future of their party’s majority standing in congress at heart, they will end this madness.

So in lieu of murder I call for Captain Shoe-In to use the WTO to file a business grievance with OPEC for obvious racketeering and overt mockery of trade laws. Failing that, someone should be shot. Shake up the cartel a little. A kind of Mafia thing.

Did I just write that? Doesn’t matter. It will never make press. Someone dying for gasoline? It’s absurd. It would have to top four dollars before bodies started turning up, right? Who knows? We’re through the looking glass now, people. Black is white and up is down. Wait until the winter comes. You’re going to see some bitching then. Killing OPEC chairmen will be the tamest suggestion.

One more reasonable solution is to start attacking EXXON and MOBILE like the Clintons went after the tobacco crowd. Start with full investigations, audits and sanctions; an all-out smear campaign complete with Texas fat cats chewing on fresh placenta; paint those in charge as spawns of Satan and the ruination of American youth. We can get one of these evangelist nuts that think Adam and Eve played with dinosaurs to start weeping on television. Maybe some soccer moms with signs. No hippies, though. People hate hippies.

But let’s start with legal matters: the complaint. It’s easy. Six of the seven OPEC cartels are part of the WTO. Lean on these fuckers. Threaten them with pulling our engineers. No American engineers, no oil production. No oil production, no printing of money. Balls in vice. Prices lower. The citizens of the richest nation are happy and willing to send more of their kids to die in the desert to secure Iraqi religious fanatics for civil war.

Of course this won’t happen. Forget about the 10% kickback for the oil barons, what about this insane spike in gas tax? It’s an incremental raise every time these prices jump. I know the federal government needs the money. We have a huge deficit and a dipshit in the White House. But enough is enough.

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New Orleans Drowns

Aquarian Weekly 9/14/05

New Orleans Drowns Its Poor And Huddled Masses

Michael Brown of FEMAYou gentlemen who think you have a mission To purge us of the seven deadly sins Should first sort out the basic food position Then start your preaching. – Bertolt Brecht “What Keeps Mankind Alive?” The Threepenny Opera

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re trying to wash us away.
– Randy Newman “Louisiana 1927”

If you’ve gleaned anything from reading the mess I’ve sent to press for close to a decade, I hope you’ve learned this: If you are counting on anything or anyone in this life to keep you from harm’s way, or to get you ahead, or to make you happy or fulfilled or confident about the world at large besides your family and/or your wife/husband, you are insane. Period. Not mistaken or mislead or misinformed, insane; painfully so. This is not opinion or philosophy. It is truth. And if what happened in the greater Southeast these past weeks is not the saddest example of this fact, then there isn’t one.

If one iota of the truth of this sinks into your skull for even a millisecond, then those poor souls would not have died in vain.

The central theme to the aftermath of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, specifically in New Orleans, is money; not race, or politics, or region or whatever you may have heard regurgitated by the usual suspects. It’s money, fans. If you’ve got it, you’re not forced to live in a flood zone beneath weak levees, and when the shit storm comes, you have the means to get the hell out. Otherwise, you die. This is true if you believe in Jesus, Justice and The American Way or not. Without the funds, you’re screwed.

It’s money, fans. If you’ve got it, you’re not forced to live in a flood zone beneath weak levees, and when the shit storm comes, you have the means to get the hell out. Otherwise, you die.

What those flood waters did, the way it happens in your basement, is dredge up the things you’ve ignored for sometime. Many of those things are not pretty. We ignore poverty in this country. It’s not pretty. We like to turn the other way, throw some money at it once in a while, make speeches and hold charity events, but for the most part, we ignore it. This is not to say we’re the only country to do this, just the most unseemly, when you consider the way we’re always offering up international advise on how to run things, that is when we’re not congratulating ourselves on being the best nation in the history of civilization.

But who has time to face poverty, when you’re worrying about space programs, Paris Hilton and whether gays are marrying. Meanwhile, there are a frighteningly large number of people in the richest of all nations who are waiting out a death sentence. The number came up for thousands of them last week.

For the uninitiated, and consider yourself lucky you are, when the impoverished are trapped and flooded or burned or turned out of their homes and sent into chaos, they run amok. This is what desperation does to humans. This is when we learn how much like animals we are, when we’re pushed to the brink and have nothing to lose and are given a blank slate with no order. We commit violence, random and furious, and we loot, because we have nothing, and no one is stopping us. It is the same principle with the rich, but they do it in boardrooms and on stock floors and trade on land like a Monopoly board. But do not fool yourself, the rich are human too, and they are ruthless and care very little when the slate becomes blank and the rules no longer apply. See Enron for the latest and greatest example of this.

The other big deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and its historic devastation is this crazy idea that the state or federal governments should be spectacularly vilified for their inadequate, and at times, criminally inept behavior during the disaster. This is wrong. Who in their right mind thought the Louisiana Government, world famous for a legacy of corruption and stupidity going back to the murderous Old Bourbons and a demented megalomaniac by the name of Huey Long, America’s last profitable fascist, would rescue anyone? And what of this fancy federal government of ours, who has shown a spectacularly miserable effort in protecting its borders; did it have the track record in preparing for disaster? Has no one paid attention to the recent past?

I’ll tell you one thing, after 9/11, it is impossible for anyone who isn’t living in a red white and blue fantasyland to trust the federal government to do anything but wage war and make deals with large corporations and oil concerns. The fact is the federal government is distracted, in hock, and run by colossal buck passers and excuse makers, and if I were standing in a waterlogged shack on the banks of the Mississippi, the last thing I would expect is an army helicopter to swoop in and save the day.

This is a government that continues to pitch dumb about an attack on its soil and played innocent bumpkins all the way through this thing. Some dunderhead even advised our Boy President to publicly admit they had no idea the levees wouldn’t hold despite numerous engineering books on the subject published as early as 1981, and, of course, a rich history of Louisiana floods. Was this any different than eight years after the World Trade Center bombing well-paid people scratched their heads in disbelief over terrorist activity in the same place?

Here’s a final tidbit of useful wisdom; although humans can create, invent, conquer and reconstruct in the fields of science, religion and politics, we have never, and will never be able to stop the tides if they rise or the flames if they’re left to devour. Loads of water and unchecked fire wins every time. Nature is unforgiving, like human nature. So gain the high ground and batten down the hatches. You’re on our own.

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Aquarian Weekly 8/31/05 REALITY CHECK


George Pataki & FriendsRage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers. – Jimmy Breslin

Who is the cheap whore who sandbagged George Pataki? He is a friend and a warrior, if not dumbfounded by party politics and bad associations with stammering trolls like Al D’Amato, but we’ve long forgiven him his deviances here. Heck, we’ve known the governor, more or less, since he stood on the platform of the Peekskill train station one late July dawn hawking votes for mayor. We’ve worked with his daughter and hung with his campaign rubes, and we like their demented ilk. So when anyone railroads our kind, like these recreant piss boys trying to play Linda Tripp with the suddenly lazy-ass NY Post, we arm for war.

I guess this is what passes for front-page dirt in the once gloriously primal NY Post now. The halcyon days are officially over. What happened to the kind of world-class yellow journalism that had W. R. Hearst spinning happy in his eternity box like “Tea with Son of Sam” or “Ed Koch Steals Money from the Federal Government”, “Uncle Rudy’s Trigger-Happy Blue Line Guns Down Delivery Boy”, or “Donald Trump Caught in Plaza Bathroom Snorting Coke Off Corpulent Hooker’s Cleavage”?

They should be ashamed of themselves over there. I mean, really. Who the fuck cares if Libby Pataki thinks the Giulianis are publicity hounds? They are, and they love it. And what if a dime-store widget gaffer like this Wall Street groupie, Thomas Doherty is pissed about his seating at the state’s GOP fundraisers? I know Doherty. Republican insiders laugh at this idiot. It would not surprise me if he leaked these tapes. Probably has a closet full of them in his room at his mom’s house, where he lives still, jacking off to old Reagan speeches.

I think if Pat Robertson is going to blather stupid shit like murdering presidents, like my irresponsibly professional pitch for Castro’s head a few weeks back, he should be on some kind of ticket come 2006. Get in the arena, and stop hiding behind the hem of the Virgin Mary. I might join him.

Perhaps if Pataki were getting hummers from chubby interns or building tennis centers with firemen funds, we’d have something here. But this meaningless nonsense is wrong and fucked and needs to be settled in a court of law, especially in a nation where journalists are routinely being jailed for protecting sources while mutant vermin like Robert Novak run free.

We absolutely cannot have civilians running wiretaps while the FBI has the type of Gestapo freedom international law enforcement creams over. If anyone was to know what was going on through these phone lines over here at The Desk, we’d be deported or worse. I do not, under any circumstances, want to end up in a pile of naked POW’s in Guantanamo bay, pal.

Wait a minute. Fuck this. Was I just at a diner in Wayne reading a scroll on CNN that claimed that Pat Robertson, voice of the Christ Incarnate, just called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez? How beautiful is that? I nearly choked up my mediocre veggie burger on the spot. He’s got to be kidding, right? Was he in a Jesus trance, calling on the Lord’s vengeance for the evil darkies? What a terrific monster this guy is. Not Chavez, although he is an annoying twit, but Robertson, once a candidate for president, now reduced to a graying freak show, curing brain cancer victims BEFORE they contract cancer; a thing of beauty, really.

PT Barnum’s adage is as true today as the day he burped it at McSorley’s Bar on the Lower East Side nearly 150 years ago. There is a sucker born every day, and they vote in South America and they listen to Christian Evangelists and buy stories of laundry lists for the NY Post.

Perhaps we can put Pat and his God Boys on the Pataki Phone Tapes case. Weed out the chickenshit buggers like Chuck Colson once did for Nixon, before Liddy and Hunt and the CIA boys screwed it up by leaving White House checks with the valet at the Watergate. Those guys knew how to play it, not like Doherty or Novak. These hacks couldn’t make Nixon’s starting line-up. That took balls, and an utter lack of respect for places like heaven. Doherty just wants to be loved, and Novak is a whiney bitch, who walks off television debate shows after being verbally horse-whipped by a lame pansy like James Carville.

I think if Pat Robertson is going to blather stupid shit like murdering presidents, like my irresponsibly professional pitch for Castro’s head a few weeks back, he should be on some kind of ticket come 2006. Get in the arena, and stop hiding behind the hem of the Virgin Mary. I might join him. We need his kind to show us the festering boils beneath the pomp and revelry of democracy, where anyone with half a brain can ramble on for a thousand words and get paid.

God Bless America!

This brings me to this Cindy Sheehan person, who doesn’t get paid to make a spectacle of herself like me, Novak or Robertson. But she has done a fine job of it, and although the war propaganda hounds over at FOX NEWS like Brit Hume have decided she is a misguided fool, she gets plenty of liberal press. And none of it is good for this aborted war effort, now reduced to the foulest kind of bloody suicide for the poor suckers who joined the armed forces.

Believe me, there will be more like her to come, even though, bless their wounded hearts, they will have all left the barn door open, and be far too late to bemoan the loss. If Sheehan really loved her son, she might have talked him out of joining this folly more vehemently. But, then again, he was a big boy. He wanted to be a soldier, and soldiers die. Presidents send them there. This was the case hundreds of years before any of these kids marched to the firing squad.

Hey, PT Barnum was right about another thing: No one is forced to come into the tent to see the show, you know.

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Aquarian Weekly 8/17/05 REALITY CHECK


Jeanine PirroIt’s taken five-plus years and a decade’s worth of bitching from this space, but we will finally, thankfully, have an old-fashioned knock down, drag out donnybrook for New York Senate this year, the kind mom and pop used to talk about or the history books try and hide – an Alexander Hamilton/Aaron Burr deal with pistols at dawn. And I’m not selling the usual sissy slap fights we inevitably get from rich white guys throwing money at each other like spoiled brats. I’m talking an all-pro political mutant fest squaring off to the death, and folks, they’re women.

Enter stage right; pit bull Westchester County District Attorney, Jeanine Pirro, who has set her sights on our beloved Senator Rodham, once the crown jewel of party palaver, but now operating with a sizable target between the shoulder blades. This was supposed to be Uncle Rudy’s fight last time, but divorce and cancer curtailed the fun. Thus we were stuck with the flaccidly surreal Rick Lazio “I’m From NY and You’re Not” review. But now the pot is sweetened by a bonafide catfight, one in which the claws and fangs have already been brandished.

Pirro is a gunslinger. She means business. Her husband’s a jailbird and her children are nuts. Yet she manages to exude an air of dominatrix. When you talk to her you have to fight the urge to flinch. She is at once charming and disarming, a die hard Republican hard-ass with a tinge of compassion rarely seen in high level law enforcement. Pirro gives a shit. She really does, and don’t think for one minute she believes Senator Rodham does.

When announcing her candidacy last week, Pirro quipped, “I am running against Hillary Clinton because New York State deserves a senator who will give her all to the people of New York for a full term, who will not miss votes to campaign in primaries.”


She continued…

Pirro is a gunslinger. She means business. Her husband’s a jailbird and her children are nuts. Yet she manages to exude an air of dominatrix. When you talk to her you have to fight the urge to flinch.

“When Mrs. Clinton first came to us and said she wanted to be a New Yorker, she asked New York to put out a welcome mat and we did,” Pirro sniped. “But now she wants us to re-elect her even though she won’t promise to serve out her term and wants to use us as a springboard to the presidency. She’s asking us to become her doormat. I believe we deserve better.”

Doormat. This is good. It’s better than carpetbagger. The carpetbagger stuff didn’t play in the sticks. Apparently they like outsiders in Binghamton, but who wants to be a Doormat?

No matter how you cut it, the Pirro move is genius by the New York Republican Party, which has begun its Stop Hillary campaign in full force by sending the equivalent of Uncle Rudy in a rough and tumble female package. You want a moderate, who has fought for women’s rights, nabbed sex offenders, and clamped down on underage drunks, and, most importantly, has not allowed the federal government to run willy nilly over the enforcement of the law in the Empire State? You got her, silver platter and all.

Senator Rodham has concerns. Believe me. I know Jeanine Pirro. She knows people I know in the know. Anyone who’s spent five minutes in NY politics for the past 20 years has dealt with Pirro in one way, shape or form. She is a specter. She will not go quietly. She has opinions stacked on opinions, and if you don’t like it, she has a pretty good opinion on that too.

And if Pirro cannot defeat the unsinkable Senator Rodham, a distinct possibility as she begins down by some 40 points in every poll imaginable, then she is merely set forth to slow the momentum, bare the scars and gnaw on the bones of this fast-track operation ramping up for Pennsylvania Avenue. State GOP Chairman, Stephen Minarik has already gone on record by suggesting that “the district attorney could bloody the former first lady as she prepares for a possible run for president in 2008”.

Rodham has been a fair senator, and, at times, has proven her mettle in dealing with bi-partisan issues. She has slid dramatically to the right to hasten her ascent to a national candidacy in the past few months, preaching fiscal responsibility and military strength abroad, while deftly maintaining star status in the liberal crunch of Howard Dean’s party. She is no sucker, and will no doubt dig up the bad vibes of Pirro’s past political aspirations, like a failed run for lieutenant governor in 1986, when her husband’s mounting evidence of tax fraud dragged her down like a ten-ton anchor.

Pirro, a staunch defender of a woman’s right to choose, will find problems of her own with the state’s conservative wing. There are already rumblings from that camp which has gone to great lengths to remind the local press that “no one has won a statewide race without our endorsement since 1974.” But, however rural most of New York can be, it is no Red State, and boasts a social liberal as its governor as well as the last two mayors of its largest city.

No matter how you slice it, the tale of the tape is a thing of beauty: Pirro, the hard-nosed prosecutor, practicing rancorous forms of tough love versus Madam Hillary, who has made a living pandering to special interests and sucking hard on the government teat. Pirro is street. Rodham is nerdish. While the former first lady can wax poetic and wonk you to death with stats and rhetoric, Pirro’s like some kind of teamster in a foul mood, lecturing you on the finer points of pistol whipping.

Political junkies, such as yours truly, have hit the jackpot with this one. You live many generations without seeing something this juicy with such high stakes. And when you couple that to what is coming in 2008, the first national election for President of the United States without an incumbent or standing vice president running since Eisenhower defeated a limping Adlai Stevenson 53 years ago, you begin to formulate the consequences.

This is as tasty as it gets kids. Two polished professionals, veterans of the battle, squaring off for all the marbles; call Don King and spit-shine the corpse of Boss Tweed, we gonna dance!

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Castro, Please Die

Aquarian Weekly 7/27/05 REALITY CHECK


Fidel CastroIl Presidente,

Please die.

Seriously. Just die.

We need your country. Well, I need your country, really. You see I have plans. Big plans. These include your demise. Anything will do. Shotgun wound to the cranium, bathtub accident, arsenic, 15 minutes in a room with Geraldo Rivera. Pretty much any mode of suicide is acceptable, as long as it results in you ceasing to exist asap. Believe me, it would be much appreciated.

I recently met with a team of accountants in North Carolina, and it was decided that much of your land is being, and has been, wasted on needless poverty and disease, when rapacious clods such as myself can acquire it at desperate discounts and turn it around for mucho dinero.

You see, cheap land in one of the world’s finest hot spots, once the playground of the mafia and American hotel chains, is now littered with crack ghettos. You can help by dropping dead. We don’t have to kill you per se. This kind of thing is messy and costs money, and, as we all know, hasn’t worked out to our advantage. Anyway, the Hussein fiasco has really strapped us over here; big time debt and all. We need a more cost effective way out. So fall down the stairs or suck on a tail pipe. Please.

Think of all the affordable real estate that is just rotting down there. Batista’s original infrastructure has got to be still around. Well, Batista. Shit. Who are we kidding? The United States’ original infrastructure is still there. We’ve sent out feelers, who have assured me reconstruction would be well worth the investment. Sugar, cigars, casinos, prostitution, gambling; oh there is much to exploit. We miss it. Florida is too crowded and far too sticky. We need some offshore breezes and fine pina coladas. Enough is enough. Die.

The ghost of Hemmingway implores you. He loved your country. He loved guns. And he killed himself. Are you getting the picture?

And really, how long can you expect to live? Honestly. You’ve been around long enough. You’ve had a good run, but let’s face it; you fucked up with this communism thing. There’s no money in it. And that short-sited Urban Reform Law? Who did that aid? Your pockets? Maybe, for a while, but you were never a long-term thinker. It’s always been about you – you, you, you. Don’t get me wrong. You’ve been a fine ruthless thug, but it’s time to give back.

Hey, I’ve seen some of the places you live now. This is not living. It ain’t like the old days, when you had Russian bank loans and underground American aid. But even that came at a cost. I guess you’ve never stopped laughing when we came for you. Man, we should have noticed the decline of the CIA then, huh? But the Kennedy’s were too busy riding Marilyn Monroe to pay attention to detail. But they’re all dead now. And so are communism and the Soviet Union. The jig is up. So why not give it a shot. I’ve heard a poison enema can be quite refreshing.

Here’s the deal: Prices of real estate have gone mad here in Jersey. New York is nuts, and only dead-eyed Caucasians live in Connecticut. It’s not for us. We like the adventure of diversity. Listen, truth is we love it here, but we no longer want to work like dogs just to hang our hats. It’s time we expand. I am not interested in Canada or Puerto Rico. I see a great opportunity in Cuba.

And, admittedly, I love cigars, really good cigars – the kind of cigars that taste like chocolate cake. Mmmm. I know you can appreciate a good stogie, Fidel. So, spark one up, smoke it down, and slit your wrists. Do it vertically. It’s more effective. A survey of teenage girls proves it out. We’re looking for expediency here. Once you’re cold, we’ll take it from there. Bribes are in place. You won’t have to worry about a thing.

And since you’re such a man of the people (are we still selling that nonsense?) then you’ll be happy to know we’ll take care of yours. Wal Mart and Target and Nike and General Motors will be down there before you take your last breath. Jobs a-plenty. Red Roof Inn is on board. It will be great. As long as we can get in cheap, and, of course, you die right away.

Try to understand, this country of ours is in a tailspin of economic madness. Our president is a dumbstruck hick, and we’re nearly broke. We’ve got wars and enemies all over the place. The time to cash in the chips and buy up acres of prime Cuban real estate is now. But we know you have to save face and despise capitalism and American ingenuity, so it’s best if you shuffle off this mortal coil and let us bring home the proverbial bacon.

Thomas Jefferson, one of our nation’s greatest minds, and a guy who could knew well how to make an honest buck on the backs of free labor, once lovingly referred to your fair country as “a fruit that will soon fall into our hands.” It gets me misty to read it. How about you? I’m warm and fuzzy all over when I think of you now in your run-down study, chomping down on a Cohiba contemplating your principled exit. The joy wells in my soul.

You see yourself as a great man. Therefore, you deserve to go out on your own terms like my hero, Doctor Thompson. Take a tip from him and swallow a pistol. It is the honorable way out. Hear the Cuban band playing your song. “Good-bye cruel world, let someone without shit for brains run things for awhile.”

The ghost of Hemmingway implores you. He loved your country. He loved guns. And he killed himself. Are you getting the picture? In closing, I would like you to recall the ancient Zen saying: “There is no point to life if one cannot profit from a land grab.”

Thanks for your time and consideration,

jc ”

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Karl Rove Is Innocent

Aquarian Weekly 7/20/05 REALITY CHECK


Follow The BleederThis was supposed to be the piece many on the Reality Check News & Information Desk mailing list have requested. It would have been a searing tribute to the bravery and resilience of the British citizenry, whose generations have endured more than a half century of bombardment and terrorism, and last week took a hit in London from al Qaeda or some other rogue Islamic outfit trying to cash in on the publicity of the city’s Olympic bid win or some other bullshit about Iraq. I was going to wax poetic on the resolve and character of the English, how they bested Hitler’s Blitzkrieg and the random violence of the Irish Republican Army and how Prince Charles has become so completely and innocuously sad he belongs next to Flavor Flav in the “Surreal Life.”

But that’s all by the boards now. Friendship has taken precedence over the planned Anglo-gushing. A friendship, however warped and tainted it may be, which has been called to duty this week. Georgetown, our resident GOP snitch, has made the request I know he despised making. He needs a favor. A favor you ask? What could he elicit that would make a respectable journalist such as myself waste precious column space to entertain.

“You have to come to Karl Rove’s defense,” he demanded. “Remember The Meeting.”

It was a favor I knew one day would have to be returned – The Meeting. It was, after all, Georgetown who got me into a clandestine summit of Rove and the Fancy Boys that balmy summer night in DC five long years ago, when George W. Bush was a pretender from the Lone Star State and everyone was pretty sure that whatever carcass Al Gore left behind in Bill Bradley, it was merely a warm up act to wiping the campaign trail with our beloved Captain Shoo-In. Rove had gotten a kick out of my barrage of e-mails, which claimed, one after one, that I possessed compromising photographs of the vice president playing carnal games with farm animals and a detailed document claiming that Tipper had twice been to rehab in Westchester, NY for “substance abuse”. I was later to report she had been mainlining Ajax cut with Diet Rite Cola and Jim Beam, but that is neither here nor there.

What is in question now is how I will handle Mr. Rove’s latest battle to stay inside The Loop on Pennsylvania Avenue now that his name has been implicated as the “high ranking source” that leaked the name of an upitty CIA operative to syndicated columnist Robert Novak, a federal crime carrying a ten-year sentence. “Karl is a pussy,” Georgetown continued. “He’ll die in prison. He doesn’t have the facility for male sex that Gordon Liddy did.”

“Jesus Christ, man!” I screamed back at him. “You do realize they are tossing journalists in jail now. I will give you up, and Rove and Novak and every damn one of you pusillanimous dregs before I let that happen to me! You’re all guilty of something!”

There was no allaying his fears. There were many and they were varied. He was anxious. It was easy to see there was no way out for me. I would have to pen something akin to Old Soldiers Never Die or a Thomas Paine knock-off. I could do it. I have done it many times for less. This was a “high ranking official” of our government. I’m a literary jester at best, a sniveling bilge merchant at worst. But the piper had his hand out. I had danced. Now I needed to pay.

“Campion, god damn it!” my highly agitated friend intoned sternly. “This is important! None of your cheap jokes this time! A man’s life is at stake here – a very important man. He’s not like the rest of us. Karl Rove is…different.”

It was the way he whispered the word “different” that set me off. It was creepily reverent, and it disgusted me.

“Jesus Christ, man!” I screamed back at him. “You do realize they are tossing journalists in jail now. I will give you up, and Rove and Novak and every damn one of you pusillanimous dregs before I let that happen to me! You’re all guilty of something!”

“The only one who is guilty is that miserable bastard, Novak,” he simmered. “He would sell his grandmother to organ thieves for a decent column. He’s a hack and a cunt and he has sold out our soul for a paycheck!”

“I won’t let you abuse the name of anyone in the Fourth Estate,” I fought back. “Least of all for a binge drinker like Rove.”

“Karl Rove is a Christian and a great American genius, and like that other Great American Genius, Jacko, he cannot go to prison. The man saved us from John Kerry!”

“That may be so, but he tipped the bottle one time too many, and worse still, trusted the wrong man, one who is all-too sober and mean and had it in for the CIA for making the president look like a stone-faced liar and caused Scott McClellan to weakly blather excuses like a goober.”

“But it’s Karl Rove we’re talking about. The man is a saint. He loves his mother and Jesus and he wears all the right clothes!”

“Rove? What do we really know about this guy? The last time I saw him he shook me down for hooker money, and then after he’d had his way with the poor girl he sent her to me to replace her shoes!”

“That’s a damned lie, Campion!”

“I still get the shudders every time I think of what Rove did with a working girl’s pumps, and now you expect me to endure this horrible assignment!”

He had no answer for my charges. He knew about the hooker’s shoes. They all did, McClellan, Chaney, that chubby fop who writes copy for FOX News. There was fury behind his solicitation, but Georgetown knew, as always, I would be his bitch, if only to fill space and be left alone. But he also knew more than anyone what Rove’s ouster would mean to the bedrock of religious freaks he drove to the polls last November. How would they react when their shining light is dragged into court like a common criminal to explain why this fuck-awful farce the administration has run into the ground in Iraq for the past two years could lead to corrupting the law?

But enough about that nonsense, I am a man of my word, if nothing else. So I shall do my part and fulfill my end of the bargain.

Karl Rove is innocent.

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Iraq Do-Over?

Aquarian Weekly 7/6/05 REALITY CHECK


Bush at Fort Bragg“I just don’t think it’s the role of the United States to walk into a country and say, we do it this way, so should you ….but I think one way for us to end up being viewed as the ugly American is for us to go around the world saying, we do it this way, so should you…..I think the United States must be humble and must be proud and confident of our values, but humble in how we treat nations that are figuring out how to chart their own course.” – Candidate George W. Bush Second Gore-Bush Presidential Debate October 11, 2000

“We’re helping Iraqis build a free nation that is an ally in the war on terror. We’re advancing freedom in the broader Middle East. We are removing a source of violence and instability and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren.” – President George W. Bush June 28, 2005

After the unmitigated disaster of polls prior to and during the 2004 presidential election it is a wonder any of us pay attention to this shit anymore. According to most polls John Kerry is president now. Didn’t you get the memo? I know one thing; if I were still invited to the press club in DC I would move to have John Zogby tarred and feathered and then have his bleeding carcass shot out of a cannon into the Potomac for the dime-store fraud he perpetuated on this country’s voting psyche on November 2. But this is the very reason my credentials were revoked in the first place, so let’s not revisit ancient history.

Speaking of ancient history, I understand now 60% of Americans are against Baby Bush’s Iraq War, or, to be more specific, the handling of said conflict. Fuck them. Who are these idiots? Did they stay home on Election Day or are they the obligatory face of the American consumer: hyped up with the impulse to run up the credit on frivolous trappings only to end up with the hangover of buyer’s remorse. Well these assholes don’t get a do-over. They handed the guy with the bloody maw a blank check and he’s taking it to the bank, and there isn’t a fucking thing you or six silly members of this flaccid congress can do about it.

This is the grand flaw in the Zogby logic: Polling the American people in the first place. Take the pulse of the easily duped and terribly spoiled? You’d have a better time asking your five-year-old kid what he thinks of the Bush Doctrine at this juncture. 60%? I’ve never seen anything more ridiculous, like people pressuring Karl Rove to apologize for calling liberals wimps. To hell with them. If that’s what he thinks good for him. I think all bald, bespectacled white conservatives are impotent, and I’m not apologizing for it, and neither should he. If that’s what he thinks, why take it back?

No sane majority outside of Germany can be as stupid as to elect a president during a war ten months ago and then whine like bratty children if they feel suckered.

And you can’t take back Baby Bush either. He is our boy. We rubber-stamped this thing. It was in all the papers: Bush Wins Second Term. Check the Internet, I’m pretty sure you’ll find details of it there. And if I’m not mistaken there’s also a clear record on this war Captain Shoo-In bet his presidency on in the spring of 2003, one year before he had to defend his job, and defend it he did, successfully. He was the man with the plan. John Kerry was a heathen war criminal and Ralph Nader was nuts. Remember?

I penned those thoughts some 33 hours before the president took to the airwaves to rally the troops again. I normally wait to dissect the madness, but I have an early deadline, and the last thing I want to do before four frightfully inebriated days of independence celebration is sit up until three in the morning trying to make sense of the nonsense that passes for a Commander-in-Chief Pep Rally.

But I am a weak man. I need the pap. I crave the flag-waving salute your daddy nonsense that extricates the young from their limbs. I cannot help myself. I am a patriot, true and true. I have a primal need to be snowed by my leaders. From the Halls of Montezuma…

And our Commander-in-Chief did not disappoint, evoking Independence Day and 9/11 and the Civil War and the ghosts of Patrick Henry and Audie Murphy. It was brilliant and heartwarming and so criminally deceptive I had to call the police, but they did not seem to care. The West Milford Department Chief told me to turn off the set and read a book. “God damn it, Campion. You cannot call the cops every time you see some dunderhead with a blue tie comes on television to lie to you about a war. We’re busy over here shooting bear!”

But enough about my delusions or the president’s for that matter. Bush was right about one thing during the campaign last year, he is nothing if not consistent. He gave us a clear choice. He has not wavered on this mess, nor should he. And now he has your confidence, legal and binding, as all elections are, or are sold to be, at least not as innocuous as these miserable Zogby Lies. No sane majority outside of Germany can be as stupid as to elect a president during a war ten months ago and then whine like bratty children if they feel suckered. First its All For It, Daddy! Now it’s Bring The Boys Home?

This thing is so fucked even the Secretary of Defense had the balls to admit in front of a Senate Committee that he begged the president to resign…twice! But GW isn’t that dumb. Rumsfeld is going down with the ship, or at least the part of the ship that sinks below the surface while he’s still running things. I’m sure the Secretary of Defense will live to a ripe old age, but the fallout of his fantastically inept war plans will take more than a decade to disappear into the surf.

I feel for all you people with 10-year-old boys. They will be tickling the trigger of a gun soon, and it will be law, because at this rate, a more than 40% drop-off in recruiting, the jig is up. The kids are no longer falling for the 9/11 Weepy Bullshit Speeches anymore. They see their friends coming back in pieces or in boxes and they would rather get laid and have a joint and hit the beach. Maybe we can suit up Dick Chaney’s daughters and strap them to the Kilroy Was Here missiles. It will be gangbusters for morale.

Caveat Emptor.

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