High School Tries President

Aquarian Weekly 3/22/06 REALITY CHECK

PRESIDENT ON TRIAL AT LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL Batten Down The Hatches, The Kids Are Taking Over

To be filed under the increasingly over-crowded Asinine Over-Hyped Paranoia heading this week, we have the case of a Parsippany High School 12th grade politics and government class under fire. The students, and their 37-year-old teacher, Joseph Kyle, are being vilified in the press, and the fast dwindling rah-rah home team Bush apologists for conducting a “hearing” on the “war crimes” of the president. Okay. So? What the hell is the problem here? People who defend Bush are offended? Descent American outraged? The very foundation of our democracy challenged?

This is a goddamn High School. If the Daily Record, a Morris County newspaper here in NJ, didn’t run the story, and the always-banal Drudge Report didn’t post it on the Internet, who would care? It’s an academic exercise, nothing more. No one is actually putting the president on trial for anything, and if they did – still a distinct possibility – it is unlikely to be run by teenagers.


Liberal bias among faculties of both college and high school run amok!

That’s the hue and cry from heavy breathers like Joe Scarborough, who has a Herculean enough effort filling 42 minutes of air time with his limited broadcasting skills, mawkish interviewing acumen, and overall grappling with articulation daily on MSNBC. This makes his desperate attempt at a personal crusade against using taxpayer money to brainwash children with liberal agendas understandable. It’s just not plausible.

The same teacher, into his ninth, and heretofore-uneventful year, at the school had a similar trial against Bill Clinton during his impeachment hearings at Montclair High School. Scarborough might remember Big Bill. He was president when the now talk show host was a member of the Gingrich Revolution. He might still be up on Capitol Hill wasting taxpayer money himself if he wasn’t such a dipshit.

So as Scarborough’s “guests” went haywire in the usual talking-head spurious clap-trap raid on sanity about how a high school is no place for this kind of anti-American blah, blah, blah, we decided to investigate further. Imagine that? Actually researching a subject before babbling like incontinent hyenas. I think I’m onto something here.

Upon further review, Kyle’s class is an advanced placement elective, wherein the general lesson plan is “to explore current events and foreign policy in an interactive way”. So it’s precisely the place for this type of progressive inquiry into the deeds and results of authority and government. The only item these nimrods on the Scarborough goober-fest can protest to is the class is not a propagandized blur-machine of patriotic nonsense. They have a point there. Other than that, they’re idiots.

The other rant that has permeated the outrage of this innocuous event, is that our taxes pay for this. Yes, and if you had any idea the utter wasteland that is the education system in this country, especially at the high school level, there could be trouble. But there isn’t much trouble, because you have no idea. And that’s good. Lord knows we do not need any violent uprisings now. The economy is fragile enough.

The least of our problems is that we pay for children to expand their minds on controversial subject matter, and, once again, I maintain that the damning of a president’s actions during war is not all that controversial. I defy you to name a president from Lincoln on down that did not commit some form of war crime. Then you might have a story. But you can’t, so don’t try. The bigger problems with our tax money being dumped into an education netherworld are a subject for another column. It does not belong here, other than to point out the absurdity of this counter-argument about school kids play-acting.

Enter the gutless hierarchy, as is the custom in media outcries. This week’s reactionary coward will be played by Parsippany-Troy Hills School District, interim superintendent, James Dwyer. Poor guy is interim. Talk about unlucky. Dwyer decided, logically, that playtime would continue, but a verdict by a “five teacher international court of justice” will not be rendered. Whatever the hell that is. In other words, let’s protect the system from goofy lawsuits or continued bashing by keeping the faculty out of it.

Well, that is a rousing endorsement for enlightened thinking, and standing by your principles, or principal, whatever the case may be. An excellent lesson for all young people: First sign of trouble make with the lip service. Every student should aspire to this kind of hedge betting. It’s the kind of gamble that lands the high rollers on the discount bus from Atlantic City, but does not engender faith of any kind in our educators.

Although I vaguely recall similar gutless weasels in high positions when I roamed the hallowed halls of state schooling. It brings back sweet memories. Mediocrity for all and all for mediocrity!

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Dick Cheney Shooting

Aquarian Weekly 2/22/06 REALITY CHECK

DICK CHENEY – KING OF ALL MEDIA How The Powerful Can Easily Manipulate Information

Dick CheneyOkay, so the first shooting by a sitting vice president in over 200 years isn’t quite as exciting as Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton settling old scores with a pistol duel on the cliffs of Weehawken, New Jersey. We have a fat old bastard, probably drunk, definitely a shitty shot (now we know why all those military deferments during Viet Nam) peppering another possibly soused old fart while quail hunting. Rich dipshits hopping around with their cute little bird-shot guns blasting away at penned foul doesn’t have the same dramatic feel as two rankled patriots, in the prime of their forefather powers, pitched on the banks of the Hudson River, aiming cocked weapons at dawn over a blood feud of national politics and personal angst.

Hamilton didn’t make it. Dick Cheney’s victim, 78-year-old, Texas lawyer, and generous contributor to Republican coffers, Harry Whittington, most likely will. So it doesn’t even have the searing tragedy of a Massachusetts senator leaving a crocked date-rape candidate to drown in a lake.

It’s really not much of a story, even for a vice president: Big mistake by an idiot hunter. Happens all the time, but not enough. Besides, people get shot every few minutes in Texas. It’s state law.

The narrative gains momentum when it becomes painfully evident, once again, that the present administration, infamous for shutting out the press, making up convenient back-stories for obvious screw-ups, and clumsily handling of public relations after major blunders, decided it best to create a rousing farce out of an accident. At least that’s what it seemed to be, if you believe the snoozing White House press corps, who are still bitching about being jerked around like carney rubes.

I guess the lack of forthrightness on the part of the vice president might not look so bad if it weren’t surrounded by a litany of senate hearings and investigations regarding the administration’s mishandling of just about every possible event since it took the reigns in 2001.

The truth of it is the press, and vicariously the American people, were merely playthings for the Dick Cheney media manipulation machine, which began the second Whittington hit the ground. This vice president, like his president, doesn’t think we need to know whom our highest elected officials are shooting on weekends. It’s apparently none of our business, since we’re not paying his salary or this isn’t any kind of democracy we’ve got going here. In other words: Business as usual.

Cheney, as he has done countless times during his weak tenure as VP, disappears immediately following a crisis. He does not materialize before the authorities for 14 or so hours, not unlike Ted Kennedy missing 12 hours after he left a girl to die at Chappaquiddick. Had to get the story straight, or perhaps sober up. Whatever the reason, in the meantime, Cheney’s camp cherry-picks an old friend, and owner of the ranch where the shooting occurred, Katharine Armstrong, to contact the local paper and make a vaguely general announcement about an accident. An announcement, by the way, which initially blamed the poor bastard Cheney shot for being in the wrong spot, or some bizarrely concocted horseshit.

Next, it seemed, no one in Cheney’s employ thought it of any import to let the White House know the details for hours, which has caused more than a little rancor between the warring staffs of the vice president and his boss.

The following random series of misrepresentations, poorly presented to the laughably lazy and ill-informed White House press corps by White Press Secretary Scott McClellan starts to reek of cover-up. But there is no cover-up, just a spectacular parade of stupidity. In other words: Business as usual.

For days after the incident, McClellan appears to know less than nothing about facts or timelines or if the vice president had even bothered to talk to his president, which we find out days later, he did not. Then there is the complete silence by the shooter himself, who then decides to bare his soul to another handpicked media stooge on the home team FOXNEWS network.

Throughout the entire fiasco, the White House press corps blows a gasket, simply because they weren’t handed a story, as they usually are. “How could a local paper get the scoop over us? We’re entitled!” Bullshit. This is the same whining we heard from this clan over 30 years ago when a couple of cub reporters for the Washington Post were bringing down a president, while they gave the crooked bastard standing ovations on Air Force One.

Well, although some of it is hilarious, other parts tragic, and mostly confusing, the unfortunate incident bares out the alarmingly evasive behavior of this administration in its utter distain for the press, which, in turn, translates into its disdain for sharing anything with the American people, it’s liberal manipulation of reality, and the conspicuous transparency of its inability to simply function in any possible way, shape or form.

The Cheney shooting is sad and pathetic. Those who hate him will revel in it; those who defend him will make excuses for it, or in an ironic twist, pull the ol’ Clintonian: “We’re not going to belabor this minutia, but get back to the business of serving the American people”. Either way you carve it up, that is not our concern here.

What our concern is, and has always been, here at The Desk, is getting to the oft-ignored core of things. And the core of this thing is the way the Bush Administration has consistently displayed an unhinged quality to their governance, this repeated bungling of general tasks of executive branch duties, like protecting the borders, conducting a war, handling a crisis, both natural and political, and a faulty communication system that is at best sloppy, and at worst down-right dishonest.

Most of all, what the Cheney shooting incident and its aftermath frighteningly illustrates is the arrogance of power, and how an authoritative public official and the subject of a newsworthy event can create the story he wants the public to view, provide the news the way he wishes it to be perceived, and usher it along in a timeline of his choosing. This, my friends, is the very definition of fascism: “a tendency toward or actual exercise of strong autocratic or dictatorial control.”

I guess the lack of forthrightness on the part of the vice president might not look so bad if it weren’t surrounded by a litany of senate hearings and investigations regarding the administration’s mishandling of just about every possible event since it took the reigns in 2001.

In other words: Business as usual.

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Hooray For Hamas!

Aquarian Weekly 2/8/06 REALITY CHECK

HOORAY FOR HAMAS! The Gory Truth About Arab Politics

In ChargeDemocracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity. – Irving Kristol

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. – H.L. Mencken

The misguided dream of democracy’s positive influence in the Middle East has been severely wounded, at least a positive influence that favors the United States. It turns out to be gangbusters for the Evil Doers, however. This is the problem with democracy, you can’t always control it – something the Bush Administration doesn’t know anything about. Just ask the poor suckers who voted for Franklin Pierce in the ill-fated 1852 election, which speed-tracked the Civil War or the duped architects of the doomed Richard Nixon experiment, which ended in mass corruption and disgrace.

We used to be good at fixing elections around here – bloodless coups and handy assassinations. Now we wait for the other guy to decide. Not a good idea. Hey, too bad Jeb Bush wasn’t running the West Bank. But, alas, sing all the songs of freedom and power to the people you like, a democratically decided election for power in Palestine has been handed over to terrorists. And anyone not seeing this as a reflection of the coming hordes to run Iraq is either not paying attention or still digests the gooey swill being pumped from the White House as something other than fiction.

The people have spoken. The system works. It just doesn’t work out well for us, and it is a bad sign of things to come. But it is a good sign for those who have America’s true interests at heart; not this obsessively dangerous need to have revisionist history pass for a foreign policy, as it has for these past few years. The nonsense had to end eventually, as all nonsenses do. And Hamas may have ended it.

This is the political equivilant of showing up at a Christian Brothers retreat and being molested by Hell’s Angels.

Hamas, effective and deadly Arab mayhem marauders long before it became chic to pay attention to terrorists, having gained governing power in Palestine is the worst possible result for anything the United States has been trying to accomplish in the Middle East since 9/11. Period. This is not debatable. Don’t try. It is so bad it defies a viable discussion of details or the obligatory postulating of silver-lined clouds, as in, “Hey, at least the dinner china was fancy on the Titanic.”

Believe me, I have mulled over the idea that once in charge Hamas will be forced to act responsibly and spend its time caring for its citizenry and concentrating on its country’s infrastructure, and not so much on wiping out Israel or being the home office of anti-American hoo-ha. This is what our president, the draftsman of this doomed war-addled audible in Iraq would like you to believe. Yeah, and when Saddam Hussein was in charge he was soooo distracted by human rights and economic issues he couldn’t possibly be a threat.

There is gullible, and then there is being a slobbering dumb fuck. The above reasoning is aimed at the latter.

The reason Hamas defeated the restructured skeleton of the late Yasser Arafat’s flaccid Fatah Party is that it is not interested in peace processes or posturing negotiations to get invited to fancy White House soirees. It espouses a deep-seated hatred for Jews, a Jewish homeland, and the big money that non-theocracies like America sends to them without faking all the nice-nice. This election seals it. Hamas, and the 70% of Palestinians it now represents, has little use in negotiating any kind of peace with Israel, and worse still, harbors an infinite jones to wipe it, and all of the Jewish populace, off the map.

One of Hamas’ giddy victors, Mushir al-Masri recently announced, “Negotiations with Israel are not on our agenda.” Followed by the heartwarmingly diplomatic, “Recognizing Israel is not on the agenda either now.”

Things have already gotten wacky over there since the election. And one thing the United States does not want to see is increased wackiness in Israel now. Not with Ariel Sharon in a coma and the IDF chomping at the bit to rape and pillage. And they will rape and pillage, Jack. And you know what would be the wet dream of every member of al Qaeda? Israeli soldiers mass-murdering Palestinians. Then the whole Arab world is in.

Holy shit. What a disaster. This is the political equivilant of showing up at a Christian Brothers retreat and being molested by Hell’s Angels.

It’s the flipside of this hippy dream our government whipped up when it turned out Hussein was lying about being the big shot on the block to keep the Iranians from invading him. America was going to spread love and cheer throughout the Middle East! Freedom and liberty, choices for the people! Thomas Jefferson lives!

So now that the bad guys get all the votes, our governement decides not to recognize Hamas’ victory as legitimate. That’s a funny way of defining freedom. It’s kind of like how things are going over here, narrow definitions of freedom. Freedom this and freedom that. Then we wiretap the citizens. Lip service. The only freedom this government of ours is interested in is the kind of freedom that keeps it running smoothly in the global monoply game its created.

When you couple this with the political landscape of Iran right now, you get the feeling the whole free elections thing is a bust with Irab nations fueled by an entrenched loathing for the western world. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of the Islamic theocracy in Iran, is the greatest enemy to sanity this side of Allah. These crazy motherfukcers are gearing up the nuclear arsenal. This is what the majority of Iranians want. This is democracy. This is freedom.

It just isn’t what the United States or its government or its boy president wants.

You better watch what you push for, bub. Sometimes the lady is a tramp.

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Judging Alito

Aquarian Weekly 1/25/06 REALITY CHECK

JUDGING ALITO The Harsh Truth About The Soon-To-Be New Supreme Court Judge

Sam AlitoA man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get into accord with them; they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world. – Sigmund Freud

Here’s all you need to know about Supreme Court nominee, Sam Alito: He worked for Ed Meese. Probe and poke this guy all you want, present self-serving congressional speechifying masqueraded as inquiry and even rummage through his garbage while you’re at it. But you certainly don’t need any Senate hearings, least of all this badly formed farce the Democrats staged last week. I have always felt you learn more about a man by examining his friends and associates. I prefer to run with the outlaw mind myself, that and the artist mentality. I don’t like anyone to appear normal or functioning around me for more than an afternoon, except in the case of my publisher, for whom I have volumes of hate mail and a pending law, but that is a tale for another day.

For the most part, I support the socially deranged. This says all you need to know about how things run around here. Alito supports the criminal element; specifically constitutional marauders like Ed Meese, one of the most corrupt and damaged creatures ever to serve as Attorney General, and believe me, when considering the long and painful rogue’s gallery therein, it is an achievement like no other. Make your call about Alito from his long law record; I shall take this one to the bank.

It doesn’t matter how conservative Alito is, he’s damn conservative, a guaranteed stone-cold Barry Goldwater conservative; women in the kitchen, God in the living room, and all free thought channeled through a red, white and blue fairy land, but not too fairy land – people will talk. Turns out this court needs a conservative voice to balance the debate anyway. It stands now at four (liberals: Stevens, Souter, Breyer, Ginsburg) against four (conservatives: Scalia, Thomas, Roberts) with one moderate, Anthony Kennedy.

I have always felt you learn more about a man by examining his friends and associates.

Kennedy will be the all-important pivot on key hot-button issues, a position currently held by Sandra Day O’Connor. The pivot will swing left and then right. No telling where he will end up. Kennedy swings left: Prayer at high school graduations? No. Roe v. Wade? Yes. Flag-burning? Cool. Sodomy ban? Nah. Then he swings right: 2000 Florida vote, Bush v. Gore? Stop the recount! Partial-birth abortion ban? Good. Affirmative-action quotas? No. Boy Scouts banning of gays? Why not?

Kennedy is the wild card here, not Alito. He is conservative, yes, but this doesn’t bother me. People have to believe what they believe and will interpret everything through that prism. You can’t alter nature. However, it does bother me that the man spent quality time around a monster like Ed Meese, much less work for him.

And not only did Alito work for Meese, he lied to get the gig, said he chaired some atavistic Princeton club that tried to ban women and keep privileged white boys in charge of the weekend keggers. At least he said he lied, or beefed up the resume for the old man. He could never abide such extremist lunacy. Not him. Either way, Alito knew Meese would eat up that kind of anti-subversive stuff. It made the cranky bastard horny to think of women as cattle and free expression as a virus that needed to be eradicated. Alito took orders from this goon, and that should be a problem for anyone judging his character.

I heard Pat Buchanan joke the other day that Alito was being treated as though he were in the dock at the Nuremberg trials. Truth is this is no joke, but that’s cool, because anyone who took orders from a fascist lunatic like Ed Meese needs to be grilled like a Nazi sympathizer. Let’s put it this way, I heard a lot of nonsense during the 2004 presidential campaign about the Bush people being Nazis and Bush some kind of defacto Hitler. This was wrong. Not so with Meese, whose mutated freak genes make assholes like John Ashcroft and Dick Cheney look like cheap hoods.

But I didn’t hear much about this somber fact while Democrats conducted these latest Senate hearings, always chock full of political spite and vigor. You wonder sometimes if the Democrats even remember what it was like to wield real power. Listening to Joe Biden grill Alito is akin to watching in sad horror as some ex-jock waxes poetic about his glory days half drunk and weeping uncontrollably into his worn-out varsity jacket. That’s why these guys give 40-minmute soliloquies when they’re supposed to be reviewing a candidate’s law record – no one pays attention anymore.

It’s over. So over. And pretty soon when these hearings are a quaint memory and Alito takes his chair in the highest court in the land, they’ll all go back to their cushy offices and pray to whatever god they buy into that mid-America looses its collective minds and votes for a woman in three years, because no matter how damaged this Bush Administration abortion is or how corruptible this current Congress is, things will not shift in 2006.

Alito? He can endure being the Democrats punching bag for a while. The gig is worth it. But soon he will have to face down the demons that have followed him since his days on the wall with Master Meese. Or not. Most likely it will be not.

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Shiites To Win Iraq Election

Aquarian Weekly 12/29/05 REALITY CHECK


Ayatollah Ali Khamenei “Thereby I became the supreme judge of the German people.” – Adolf Hitler June 30, 1934

“In Islam, the legislative power and competence to establish laws belong exclusively to God Almighty.” – Ayatollah Khomeini

The abuse of LSD at the New York Times has reached epidemic proportions. I happen to know it isn’t just at the print level anymore, but management and editorial staff have now imbibed beyond any definition of recreational consumption. Tripping has become a prerequisite for Times’ columnists. William Safir has perfected the art of soaking bandanas in pure Delysid and Maureen Dowd is so far gone she has allegedly told friends of plans to spike the D.C. water supply on New Year’s Eve. “I think the best thing for Donald Rumsfeld is acid!” Dowd was heard screaming over the phone this past week. “Acid or suicide!”

What kind of madness would prompt me, or any rational person to write such profane nonsense? Acid? I think not. I’m no fan of mind expansion. Not nearly as much as blotting out one’s fantasies with gin or something stronger, and then sitting at the keyboard and regurgitating this crap weekly. But it is all true, or at least as true as the evidence would suggest. And that is all that is needed today. Evidence. For Barry Bonds or Tom Friedman. Smells like teen spirit? Smells like liberal bias?

This is why the Times has never understood George W. Bush. The president is a cokehead. He has all the tendencies: paranoia, overt machismo, a painful inability to construct coherent thoughts verbally, and a penchant to scratch his groin incessantly without shame. Only a serious speed freak would continue to describe what is happening in Iraq as progress. And only acid junkies would comment so blindly that there is some kind of insidious US plan for a bloodless coup in that mess.

Puppet regimes in the waiting?

Not likely.

The American government is being duped by Iran, which now all but controls the fate of the coming January election. Not even what is left of the CIA can stop it. Any clear-thinking person without agenda or chemical dependency in the know understands this. Soon the Shiites will be in charge. They will take orders from Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei and ask the Americans to leave, thank you very much. And all of Saddam Hussein’s nightmares will come true. He will be tried by the western infidels while the very same Iranians the United States paid him to keep at bay will run amok in his charred palaces, toasting his jailing.

People paid good money to practice journalism still possess the stones to ask why the hell Hussein kept refusing to reveal he had no weapons, even with the threat of US agression. The answer is simple. Either lie to the UN or risk letting the Iranians know he was a paper tiger and take him out. Americans seem to care about women and children and hospitals and taking prisoners. This is of little concern to Iranians. It was a fair trade off. Hussein knew, as the CIA, that if it were the Iranians pouring over the border, the grand poobah’s head would have been on a spike, instead of getting a lice exam on CNN.

Elections are funny things. Sometimes they’re on the up and up, and sometimes the dead walk and pistols are brandished. Sometimes candidates bug offices and other times their soup is poisoned. Sometimes there is The Night of Long Knives and things go awry.

Now the politicos, or whatever they call themselves in Tehran these days see daylight with this hamstrung election next month, and soon the bloody hands of the American president will be asked to shake with the men who will plot 9/11 Part Deux and the US will have to convince the rest of the planet how we have to gut the whole goddamned thing again.

And this will all be done legally through an election.

At least that is how it will appear. Elections are funny things. Sometimes they’re on the up and up, and sometimes the dead walk and pistols are brandished. Sometimes candidates bug offices and other times their soup is poisoned. Sometimes there is The Night of Long Knives and things go awry.

I see what is transpiring in Iraq right now, and although it resembles no real Euro-historical perspective outside the homoganized white-man’s Bible being peddled in Alabama currently or the drive-by that offed Francis Ferdinand, I am reminded of old-time politics. Not Richard Daley strong-arm street-whipping kind of politics. I’m talking Aaron Burr unloading a fatal pistol shot into Alexander Hamilton to decide the fate of New York kind of politics. Old time, real hard, skull-cracking, back-door fighting, western world type of politics: George Bush’s kind of politics. That is what will decide Iraq.

No amount of heavy hallucinogenics can change this. The Times need to get on board. This isn’t the 1980s’ when Noriega was Reagan’s bitch and Ed Meese was paying cash to have the Contra boys skinned for post card stills. It’s 21st century thinking. We break it and the nearest Arab power buys it. Fair play.

It’s coming.

And if you happen to be unlucky enough to find yourself in the reserves right now, you better hope it comes in January. This way you don’t have to spend the rest of your natural life in the desert keeping a third of the populace from surviving the crazed and armed majority that wishes to nab the oil and make deals with the Iranians so they can blow Israel off the map.

Big doings in Baghdad, momma, stay tuned!

Who cares if the Secretary of Defense is booed like Andy Dick at a military PR conference? He has no fucking clue what is about to go down. He wants to exit the big town with his balls intact. The president is his biggest fan. The Times is not. This is not exactly shocking developments in perspective, like those self-righteous commentators hammering away at NBA players doling out beatings to assholes in Detroit. Let’s face it; some sports fans need a beating, and most elections don’t go your way.

Most of us learned this in Journalism 101.

Rumsfeld is sacked and some other jack-booted kill-freak will grow in his place. It is a biological imperative. It has nothing to do with politics. It is the way of the jackal. The way we now move.

Bitching about voter malfeasance in Ohio will sound like teenaged girl whimpering when the polls close in Fallujah. That’s about when the Tehranist strong arms track down what’s left of Hussein’s palace guard and disembowel them alive on Al Jazeera television accompanied by classic Buster Keaton scores.

And that’s when you’ll know we’ve won.

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The Iraq Papers Volume V

Aquarian Weekly 12/28/05 REALITY CHECK

The Iraq Papers Part VINVISIBLE & PARALYZEDHow The Democrats Are Unable To Cash In On Tragedy

Hillary ClintonThe following is the final of five segments tying together the loose ends of a fantastic load of misinformation, propaganda, media hype and revisionist history surrounding what is now being dubbed the worst war effort in the 229 years of this republic. Today we wonder where the hell is America’s “other” political party as the Republicans lay waste to the Iraq Situation? What is their plan for sparking debate and changing the direction? Where is the loyal opposition in a system fixed to rely on only two? And the obligatory – What the hell is going on here?

Do you know what the biggest dilemma in the Iraq War is – aside from the endless murder and criminal lack of planning of course: There is no alternative to the madness. And do you know why? We have a two-party system, and one of those parties is crippled by inertia and has shown no backbone by parading weak candidates offering limp rebuttals and providing nothing in the way of a suitable opposing voice. This is the point of democracy, especially in time of war. And not since John Adams’ poorly fabricated Alien Sedition Acts of 1798 has political dissent been so patently abused in this country. Any intelligent, well-informed dink can expect blind jingoistic tripe from the citizens of a wounded nation, but when perpetuated by a dumbstruck press and a worthless minority party in Washington things can go frightfully awry.

Robert Kennedy was the last legitimate anti-war candidate this nation has produced. George McGovern doesn’t count. He never counted, which is why the Nixon people did cartwheels when he emerged as an opponent in ’72, four years after RFK was gunned down at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles, and was summarily whipped like a redheaded stepchild. Kennedy had a chance to stop the Viet Nam War, because he helped form it. But we’ll never know. And chances are pretty good that had Howard Dean, the only anti-war candidate beside Ralph Nader in 2004, had not imploded in Internet illusions and well-documented crimson-faced hysteria he would have likely been beaten worse than John Kerry.

But at least Dean spoke out against the war. He had no real plan, but he wasn’t “on the fence” or talking about “voting for before he voted against” or some other Johnnie Cochranesque flimflammery. So the Democrats, having been dispatched as the party of the futilely weak and bewildered, appointed Dean its chairman. But aside from a “Daily Show” appearance and the odd fundraiser speech, where the hell is he? Even with John Murtha’s call for an exit strategy, there has been little to no response from Capital Hill Democrats.

Jesus, let’s completely hand the government over to the Saudi monarchy and end all suspicion.

Oh, and Ted Kennedy doesn’t count either. He counts less than McGovern ever did. Kennedy is a murderer and lying sack of pigeon shit and he should be in prison. The fact that he’s allowed to keep a job, any job, in a freethinking society speaks volumes about the state of Massachusetts’s government and can best explain why the 2004 Kerry presidential campaign was run like a Marx Brothers skit.

Fundamentally, no one in three years has stepped up to strongly oppose this war, or offer alternative solutions. Mainly because nearly every Democrat voted for it, and as stated in Part One of our series, they were all correct in doing so. It was a UN decree defied by a madman and things had come to a head. A decade of threats was useless and America wanted blood. Congress more or less exists to enact the will of the people. Sometimes that will is misguided and stupid, but just the same, it’s in the job description. But accusing members of congress for bandwagon jumping is too easy. Instead we accuse them of bowing to fear. And because of that fear they have been George W. Bush’s bitches for too long and its time to suck it up.

And by sucking it up nobody means sending Hillary Clinton to the slaughter. This would be considered merely sucking. I don’t care how much money this woman has, she is a liberal and has a vagina and will not win a single southern or mid-western state, and may even lose key states Kerry barely carried. Has no one in the Democratic Party paid attention to voting results the past few years? Liberal? Woman? Why don’t they send Osama bin Laden’s corpse to New Hampshire? Couldn’t be any worse.

Look, I never vote Democrat or Republican, and I probably won’t even join the charade in 2008, but realistically, if the Republicans are left in charge for another half-decade, you might as well ready your muskets. Seriously. Hillary Clinton? She’s not even anti-war. She’s spent so much time warming up her moderate rhetoric she’s not sure what the hell she is. Most importantly Dean hates her guts and he runs the party. So what will come of this shit, another droning fop from the senate? Jesus, let’s completely hand the government over to the Saudi monarchy and end all suspicion.

All right, so forget the Hillary nightmare for a moment and get back to reality. I beg Democrats, when one of you with enough balls finally does come out to make noise like Senators Chuck Schumer or Joe Biden, please stop saying this whole thing is as bad as Viet Nam. It’s just sad and wrong. It’s like people calling Bush a Nazi or writing that Joe McCarthy was a hero. Leave the shock value to Hip Hop and get down to concepts we can use.

Factoring in the cost of living and time alone, Viet Nam is Numero Uno. Viet Nam was long. Very long. Scary long. It was so long it’s hard to effectively calculate without a NASA brain. It was also far more nonsensical strategically and politically. The very fact that this country, far more financially solvent and powerful in the world arena then, quibbled over a patch of land in South East Asia would be incredibly hilarious if it weren’t tragically pathetic and horribly criminal. Fear and stupidity got us in, and ill-planning and badly run planning bogged us down and sent us home bloody, fractured, embarrassed losers.

Sound familiar?

This is the only parallel between the Iraq War and the Viet Nam conflict, which wasn’t even technically a war, since it was never sanctioned legally by congress. It likely killed one president and crippled two more. This thing here while equally born of fear and stupidity and as badly planned and executed needs much more time and death and money and riots to make the grade. This war has only linked two presidents, who happened to be related, but will only sink one.

Which brings us illogically back to the Democrats, who, as a group, seem horribly incapable of mounting a challenge. And it will mean everything this time, because if the house and/or senate can be divided politically, there will be higher levels of investigations and trials and maybe even a nifty impeachment again. Yippee!

This makes my job fun.

But as far as ending any war, I think not.

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The Iraq Papers Volume IV

Aquarian Weekly 12/21/05 REALITY CHECK

The Iraq Papers Part IVSURREALISM SAFETY BRIGADE Uncovering The Fairy Tale Of Protecting America Through War

Paper Weight?The following is Part IV of five segments tying together the loose ends of a fantastic load of misinformation, propaganda, media hype and revisionist history surrounding what is now being dubbed the worst war effort in the 229 years of this republic. Today we have the unenviable task to remind our readers that despite billions of their tax dollars spent, many of their civil rights compromised and some of their friends and/or family members dead or crippled in war, we are not only not safer, but in more danger than before 9/11/01.

During the laff riot that was the 2004 presidential election campaign there was a great deal of discussion on the Iraq War: Is it protecting the nation by taking the fight to the terrorists or is it creating a larger terrorist network? Both of these theories have been more or less debunked by the less impassioned and easily duped among us. There was only a need for this country, as mentioned in Part II of this series, to be involved in the first war with Iraq to accomplish a polarization of our enemies. Anything else has been merely icing on the cake, as it were. And the idea that we are any safer by engaging in skirmishes with religious wackos in a faraway desert is also patently false.

You might also recall hearing a great deal of posturing about which party and which candidate could best protect you and your family. All of it was utter nonsense by both sides of the political spectrum. This space is on record as suggesting that at the very least the present administration had effectively shown no ability to protect the nation’s borders, so that was an easy one. Who knew what the new guy was proposing? We doubted he knew. We just figured anything has to better than having our citizens murdered. But, as it turned out, the administration the nation chose to continue the job of protecting us was a mistake. That is no longer opinion…it’s fact.

In July of 2004, nearly three full years after the attacks of 9/11, some16 months after the start of the resultant Iraq War, and literally billions of tax dollars later, the band-aid outfit called the 9/11 Commission sought to find reason and place blame for failed responsibilities and pitch suggestions for those responsible to never fail again. Reason? Pick one of many. Blame? No one really got blamed for anything. Well, they may have been blamed, but not a whole lot was done about it. And what about the latter issue of setting a more stringent security agenda in motion? Snake eyes.

Turns out not only Democrats are dumb, arrogant pussies. Step right up; we’ve got ourselves an issue that crosses party lines, a bonafide bipartisan think tank of incompetence.

In its final report, the 10-member group comprised of five Democrats and five Republicans produced a wildly acclaimed 567-page report with 41 precise recommendations to shore up national security. Everyone cheered, the president praised it and congress did a collective somersault of glee. But just last week, a year and a half later, this same group reconvened to register a report card on the federal government’s efficiency, or lack thereof, in administering said recommendations. None of it was good. In fact, it was downright frighteningly atrocious.

The commission’s chairman, Thomas Kean, former Republican governor of New Jersey backed up the “F”-addled document with this statement: “It’s not a priority for the government right now. More than four years after 9/11 people are not paying attention. God help us if we have another attack.”

The good news is there was one A- out of 41 grades. That’s pretty good. Hey, at least no more buildings came down.

Kean went on to use such words as “scandalous” and “appalling” to further describe the comically tragic results of the grading. It could not be worse, suggested Kean and his angered colleagues, if nothing had happened on 9/11. In other more staggeringly pathetic terms: we are less safe now than before we were hit. And we’re all poorer for it as well – poorer financially, ideologically, politically, legally and militarily. Oh, and there’s some dying going on in Iraq too, Americans and Iraqis and contractors and newsmen, etc.

Not safer.

Worse off.

Now anyone who has read a sentence of this space’s lunacy over the past years knows we despise these reports and hearings and commissions and recommendations. They’re political masturbation and another fashionable sinkhole for our tax dollars. Hardly any citizens really pay attention to these things and they rarely affect legislation or voting trends, but I gotta tell ya, this ain’t good for Republicans no matter which way you slice it.

Not safer.

Or as safe.


Much worse.

And this would be easier to swallow if the present government wasn’t filled with tough talking hawks and macho loons. The budget is a mess. We’re in serious debt. The economy isn’t disastrous, but it ain’t thriving by any stretch of the imagination. The crazy social agenda of Conservative Ideals and Values is preposterously silly, even for these cretins, but not being safe? Wasn’t that the sole and binding reason to voting for these jack-offs? That and it was a God thing.

Secure. Safe. These are the buzzwords of the Republican excuse machine, and it all turns out to be a big fat fabrication. Turns out not only Democrats are dumb, arrogant pussies. Step right up; we’ve got ourselves an issue that crosses party lines, a bonafide bipartisan think tank of incompetence.

And if you think I’m going to waste precious slamming space listing these government oversights, think again. There’s a lot of stuff about the failure to have clear communications between local authorities and federal ones like what went down in Louisiana a few months back and freeing up radio waves for federal instruction announcements and allocating funds properly. Apparently, and this is a funny one, much of the New Jersey national security funds for 2004 went to air-conditioned garbage trucks. I know I feel safer now.

I’ll trust my hearty readers to sniff out the report and struggle to keep the jaw from dropping. Fuck it, go here: www.9-11pdp.org/press/2005-12-05_report.pdf.

Suffice to say after reading the thing if you’d like to attempt a sunny dissertation on the subject we’re all for it. Yeah, I’m pretty sure some idiot will write me: “Hey, there were some B and C grades on there!” Okay, great. Billions spent. Rights compromised. Wars on several fronts. There should be nothing but A’s and certainly no F’s.

Read the goddamn report.

Next Week: Part V – INVISIBLE & PARALYZED – How The Democrats Are Unable To Cash In On Tragedy

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The Iraq Papers Volume III

Aquarian Weekly 12/14/05 REALITY CHECK

The Iraq Papers Part III THE SONG & DANCE MAN REVISITED The Fancy White House Plan to Spin Victory from This Mess

Read Between The LinesThe following is the third of five segments tying together the loose ends of a fantastic load of misinformation, propaganda, media hype and revisionist history surrounding what is now being erroneously dubbed the worst war effort in the 229 years of this republic. This week we dissect the White House’s recent launching of a 35-page ultra-spin document called the “National Strategy for Victory in Iraq” and what it means for the future of this country’s involvement in rebuilding Iraq and the rapid crippling of the Bush presidency.

Dressing up our Boy President and plopping him before military backdrops with fixed audiences is getting old. Very old. But it’s not likely to stop any time soon, like his war, and the tons of bullshit emanating from it. So we thought it pertinent to level with you: This “National Strategy for Victory in Iraq” is tantamount to the Clinton mia culpa speech of 1998. “I’m busted, so now I’ll try and do whatever I can to throw myself at the mercy of the American people and hope for the best.” So there you have it, more of the same, only worse, because this time instead of a “Oh, he’s cheating on his wife!” we have “Oh, thousands are dead, billions are spent, and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing!”

With record lows in approval ratings from the public and a less than a 50% vote of confidence on the progress of the war, the administration was forced to come clean with some kind of explanation for things. Of course, this and two bucks will get you a ride on the subway, other than that its white noise and pabulum. It’s kind of like those college term papers you whipped together in the final desperate hours of caffeine and No-Doze abuse when you had nine months to complete it in the first place. But they went through the trouble of thrashing it together, so we might as well respectfully mock it.

Let’s begin with what the White House has dubbed its Three-Track Strategy: Political, Security, and Economic.

Political means building an Iraqi government, the first portion of which is the badly formed, but relatively successful constitution and two blood-soaked elections. Guess what? There’s another on the way! Unfortunately for those in charge, assassinations, protests, and the odd car bombing aside there are three extremely divergent cultural and racial groups that are far from being on the same page. More to the point, the chasm of hatred is entrenched, and has been for decades. Therefore the present government represents nothing. How this administration plans on dealing with this, if at all, is hard to say. Our fingerprints appearing on the new Iraqi power structure reeks of puppet leadership and may well add to the heightened levels of anti-American sentiment in a region already spiked in the red.

It’s kind of like those college term papers you whipped together in the final desperate hours of caffeine and No-Doze abuse when you had nine months to complete it in the first place.

Security is a biggie. While being dumbfounded on the political front, The “National Strategy for Victory in Iraq” makes a few inroads to explaining the emergence of an Iraqi Defense Force, including police. However, the numbers are skewed. And that’s being kind. Unkind would be to say they were made up. Bush heralded this nonsense by telling the nation and the world that the present Iraq Army is comprised of 120 battalions, which means 42 to 96 thousand troops. This projection flies in the face of Pentagon estimates of some 200,000 troops last summer. And anyone with half a brain and any memory knows the Pentagon is onerously optimistic about these things. That’s kind. Unkind is to say they lie a lot.

Then there are the generals on the ground, at least those who haven’t been sacked for suggesting more troops, who have unanimously estimated only 30% of the president’s 120 battalions can barely be expected to back-up our army in maneuvers like the recent Talafar operation Captain Shoo-Inn broached in his fancy naval speech. Bush announced Iraqi troops were prominent there. The US Army disagrees, unless a few clean-up militia types constitutes prominent, and it does not. More than one general is on record as only admitting to one battalion. Count it: one battalion ready to defend its post. One out of 120 is not even an acceptable percentage for the most dutifully sanguine among the president’s supporters.

Another key element of the security issue is a police force, which now appears to merely be a rogue collection of Shiite militias torturing and killing Suni citizens by the truckload. And what about the Iraqi Air Force so vaguely discussed in the handy plan booklet? Roughly two-dozen planes donated by America and manned by American fighter pilots does not an Iraqi Air Force make. Again, that would be kind. An unkind assessment would be that Iraq has no Air Force.

Economic? Let’s face it folks, according to any independent projection you’d like to Google the present infrastructure of Iraq makes it virtually impossible to accurately count on any financial solvency. Plainly, it’s in big trouble and not likely to get any better. The whole “controlling the Iraq oil fields to rebuild” idea has more or less gone bye-bye. Without oil Iraq is a useless pile of sand with murderers a-plenty. Not a key demographic for industry or anything else beyond booming weapons sales.

Good news is that history tells us leaving countries for dead actually projects better economically than stuffing them full of Pollyanna. Look at Germany and Japan, both left in post-war ruins with no prospects of open enterprise and growth. They are now (after half a century, mind you) counted as the two most prominent economic powers in the world. Far better than what we’ve got going here, and neither are involved in wars and in massive debt to evil communist regimes or run by neo-con goofballs with little to no plan on how to fix things, beyond error-laden book reports and tap-dancing speeches.

Fifty years?

Hope your grandchildren can avoid the draft.

That’s a kind prognostication. Unkind would be, invest in pine box futures.

Next Week: Part IV – SURREALISM SAFETY BRIGADE – Uncovering The Fairy Tale Of Protecting America Through War

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The Iraq Papers Volume II

Aquarian Weekly 12/7/05 REALITY CHECK

The Iraq Papers Part II WHEN GOOD IDEAS ARE EXECUTED BY DUMB ASSES Debunking The Myth of the Iraq Mistake

Mr. Nice GuyThe following is the second of five segments tying together the loose ends of a fantastic load of misinformation, propaganda, media hype and revisionist history surrounding what is now being erroneously dubbed the worst war effort in the 229 years of this republic. Today we continue our series by ceasing this ridiculous notion that somehow because spectacularly flawed nincompoops ran the war effort, the whole idea and philosophy behind it was asinine and wrong.

Let’s see if we can get at least this straight; ousting Saddam Hussein’s regime from the Middle East was an imperative. This had to be done. Whether he had WMD’s or lost them or hid them or sent them elsewhere, one way or another he was not going to be a stable influence on the most volatile part of this planet and was the biggest single threat to the United States, if not directly or philosophically, then at the very least, ideologically and peripherally by example and rhetoric. After the Gulf War and 9/11, Hussein had to go. The real question of whether this country should have been involved in this mess in the first place should have been more hotly debated in 1990. After the decision was made to kick his sorry ass out of Kuwait his remaining in charge was not going to end well for anyone involved, and we were definitely involved now.

And those half-wits who keep saying that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 are predictably ill informed. Of course it did. Listen to Osama bin Laden’s threats as early as 1996 talking about American troops and military presence on holy ground, certain Arab monarchies in bed with the Evil Satan helping us kill fellow Muslims and disgracing his land, and the interminably long bullshit sermons about bankrolling the Israel Defense Force to torture Palestinians. It had everything to do with 9/11.

Bush Sr.’s oil war and Big Bill Clinton’s failure to make these third world serial killers pay for offing American citizens for close to a decade aboard had everything to do with 9/11. Not to mention Ronald Reagan’s bolstering of the Afghan freedom fighters against Russia’s invasion and the building of an Iraq military state to defeat the ever-popular Ayatollah Khomeini in the 80s’. It is the “You Make IT – You Own It” axiom of history. We fueled the flames; we had to come with the extinguisher. Either way you slice it this maniac had to be expunged.

Can you fathom these idiots carrying out the D-Day invasion? Jesus Christ, the very thought of it paralyzes me with a gripping fear. The entire planet riding on Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and Dick Chaney and his Boy President ruminating on the greatest amphibious land assault in the history of warfare?

So it all had to do, eventually, inevitably with Iraq. Hussein could not be allowed to hang around anymore. Period. This is not up for debate. What is on the table for debate and certainly a boatload of prime ridicule is the haphazard amateur pussyfoot fashion in which his ousting was concocted by badly recycled Republican fossils using a mentally challenged burn out hick president as a flaccid battering ram. The result is what has to be the second worst planning and execution of war in our war-rich country’s history.

The worst was Viet Nam. Hands down. To argue this, as I have heard some foolishly devised assertions, is abject folly. But that’s a slice of silliness for a future installment. As Mencken used to say, “One malarkey at a time.”

First off, an all-out invasion was patently unnecessary to carry out the deed. Despite my enthusiastic support for making camel chum of Hussein, I have been consistently opposed to that course of action. Assassination had to be the first option, an option that would have sent the country into its current state of civil war and chaos, emboldening the Iranians and sending the entire region into a cauldron of hate and violence, only the United States Army would not have been in the middle of it. Then we might have hoped for the kind of worldwide support that cleans up messes and saves us from being stuck with fighting an endless litany of insurgencies and building a national government out of whole cloth alone.

But since we stopped assassinating leaders after the JFK screw up and bloodless coups went out of vogue, using the army became inevitable. But no one said we had to break records for desert speed racing and underestimate everything from troop numbers to local welcoming parties to ignoring the very-real possibility of fervent resistance and, of course, the Turkish government throwing a hissy fit. No one ordered up torture chambers or drunken marines taking photographs with naked prisoners and leaning on a CIA as sadly useless as bicycling trout.

In the spring of 2003, if anyone had the balls to tell me that this whole thing had to do with freeing Iraqis and using the US Army as traffic cops and construction foremen to help erect a democracy out of a thousand-plus years of violent religious madness, I would have laughed heartily and then said no thanks. This was vengeance and geographic chess, plain and simple. This was proactive, preemptive, and a license to kill after we were hit, baby. It was ugly and difficult and had to be done. Freeing Iraqis? Stabilizing the region with democracy? It is revisionist history, and bad revisionist history at that.

This invasion, if it had to be an invasion, needed to be executed strategically. This means expecting the worst and planning on every possible eventuality. Instead, the simplest, most obvious contingencies for war imagined from the Egyptians to Greeks to the Romans was pissed away in an arrogant assemblage of half-assed stumblebum pratfalls eventually bungled into what we’ve got now.

But it does not change the fact that it needed to be accomplished one way or the other. Turns out that “the other” was trusting this shitty band of marauders, who had the guts to dive in, but no brains to carry it out; a classic human flaw, like morning wood, customer service and Nazis. Speaking of which, can you imagine if these people had run World War II? Can you fathom these idiots carrying out the D-Day invasion? Jesus Christ, the very thought of it paralyzes me with a gripping fear. The entire planet riding on Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and Dick Chaney and his Boy President ruminating on the greatest amphibious land assault in the history of warfare?

Okay, so let’s strike that nightmare. It didn’t happen. And good for the world. But bad for us, because this is not a dream. These guys are lost, admittedly. The whole thing has gone up in smoke. Dunderheads all. But it still had to be done. Would have been nice if it were done properly.

Next Week: THE SONG & DANCE MAN REVISITED– The Fancy White House Plan to Spin Victory from This Mess

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The Iraq Papers Volume I

Aquarian Weekly 11/30/05 REALITY CHECK

The Iraq Papers Part I THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE’S NEW CLOTHES Learning to Jog Naked on the Endless Treadmill of a Winless War

American Soldiers The following is the first of five segments tying together the loose ends of a fantastic cargo of misinformation, propaganda, media hype and revisionist history surrounding what is now being erroneously dubbed the worst war effort in the 229 years of this republic. Today we’ll lay the groundwork for our series by saving precious protest/debate time believing and/or fighting for the current administration to unfurl, discuss, or merely make-up an exit strategy.

The piper, as the nifty allegory goes, is due. All doubt has been expunged. Whatever hopes and plans and flag-waving, ribbon-tying nonsense that has been perpetuated by the most blindly optimistic pom-pom gripping homers, they are now null and void. The jig is undeniably up, the check has been cashed, and every last chicken has settled home to roost. The Iraq War – Desert Shield in all its gory incarnations has now outlived even the direst doomsayer prognostications offered up by the least likely peaceniks of yesteryear. And there’s no end in sight. Not with this president, or any president who ordered the thing up.

It is beyond him now to stop it. Too late. And it wouldn’t have mattered if John Kerry had been elected a year ago either. It didn’t matter when Tricky Dick took the reigns from the tattered remains of LBJ. History is our greatest source. Been there. Done that. Got the tee shirt. Once the United States of America gets its teeth into an invasion, occupation, police action, whatever, it’s in for the long haul.

You think the Yale Boy doesn’t know he’s already sunk? His only chance at being painted by history as anything less than a war mongering dumbstruck goober is to blindly deal into an inside straight or even a royal motherfucking flush!

So when people ask you why the vermin are presently leaving the sinking vessel, so to speak, you just tell them any breathing mammal worth a shit knows when the cabin is taking on too much water. It’s a doomed proposition. Instinct tells you this. Pure instinct. Not fact or intellect. Vibes. This baby is screwed. Totally fucked, or as the marines like to say, FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. That’s what we got here, ladies and gents, a full-on, hardcore FUBAR. And no one’s going to be able to click their heels and make it back to Kansas or Texas for that matter, regardless of what well-meaning congressmen say now.

Specifically we site Pennsylvania representative, John Murtha, a decorated war veteran, who spent 37 years of his life serving as a US Marine, and, who last week, after years of support for this mess, including printed records in his own book as late as a year ago, told his commander-in-chief we have to bring the boys home…right now! God bless him, he’s at least willing to admit he made a mistake voting for the war, plugging the war, going to the mat for our Boy President and our nation’s best stab at foreign intelligence. But he’s a silly man and he has lost his mind. Psychologists call it Temporary Paralysis of the Reasoning Functions. My father calls it Shit for Brains. Either way, he’ll be fine, but for now he’s a crazy man.

Try and remember if you can delve way back to the winter of 2002, this was invasion an easy sell. Everyone was on board, most importantly, the American people. Big time. Well over 60%. Close to 70%. Then came congress. Over 90% was it? An overwhelming vote for war. The CIA was hot with info, the Pentagon was breathing hard, and the press sat around saluting everyone and wearing American flags on their lapels. It was a slam dunk, to offer a tired quotation. Sure, maybe a few European nations were barking, a few college kids and folk singers, but even Ted Kennedy said Saddam Hussein had to go.

Oh, and by the way, let’s not leave out that the man won a national election 12 months ago and defeated an opponent who supported the war.

So why should the president abandon ship?

He has everyone on record as being enthusiastically for it. Didn’t have to sneak around like before Viet Nam or push embargos like before World War II or institute Marshall Law like before the Civil War. Marched right into the United Nations, which, despite later vapidly disingenuous protestations, passed an ironclad resolution to oust a dictator who did not comply with international regulations. Made a few speeches, showed dramatic slow-motion replays of planes crashing into the World Trade Center accompanied by haunting melodies, and whipped the remaining pansies out of the Oval Office.

Why should the president pull out now?

Even if the whole shebang has been deficiently planned and horribly executed, coupled with mounds of misinformation and bad predictions coming out of every orifice of his cabinet and the Pentagon and his generals, why should George W. Bush quit now? If he does, he loses. Presidents are not used to losing. In fact, they’re immune to it. This is how they become presidents. The very notion sends them into a diarrhea-induced rage. They spit and whine and twitch spastically as if cornholed by a 5,000-volt livestock taser.

But if the president stays in the game long enough, keeps slamming money on the table – he has a shot for the big cash-in. You think the Yale Boy doesn’t know he’s already sunk? His only chance at being painted by history as anything less than a war mongering dumbstruck goober is to blindly deal into an inside straight or even a royal motherfucking flush! Imagine that. Land on his feet like Mr. Magoo or the Boston Red Sox. Get lucky, if just once. Stay alive long enough to fall ass backwards into fortune.

But if the president leaves the table, he gets nothing. And right now Junior is one of the most unpopular presidents since Ulysses S. Grant. But he isn’t a war hero or even a decent drunk, and, most of all, he doesn’t have to get re-elected. Good luck.

Next Week: WHEN GOOD IDEAS ARE EXECUTED BY DUMB ASSES – Debunking The Myth of the Iraq Mistake

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