2008 Iowa Caucuses: What Happened?

Aquarian Weekly 1/9/08 REALITY CHECK

IOWA: WHAT HAPPENED?
Obama Rises, Hillary Skids/GOP Field Swings Wide On A Holy Huckabee Blip

Huckabee Illustrates ChancesIn this most historic of election years, with no incumbent and a primary season beginning as early as any before, and its candidates for both major parties ranging from an African-American, an Hispanic, a Mormon, an Italian Catholic, a Fundamentalist to a woman, the first salvo was fired across the frozen cornfields of Iowa on the first Thursday of the new year. And although it is a minor shift in the system – these oddly constructed caucuses so early in the process – the results may have vaulted one winner into the kind of momentum that cannot be slowed and another sending his party into an all-out gang fight or at least a fairly entertaining skirmish between an insurgent eccentric and the fat-cat establishment.

A half-year ago the victories of Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee, even considering the queer vagaries of the Iowa Caucuses, would have seemed daft. Huckabee was an ill-coached religious nut and Obama was a flavor-of-the-month young black man who’d been senator for five minutes. They were both way behind in the polls and their campaigns seemed lost. Both are now something extremely binding in this business of politics; they are winners.

What this means for either of these men, their party’s final choice for a national candidate or ultimately the presidency, or even what the people of New Hampshire might do five days out or South Carolina soon after is anyone’s guess.

For now, they are winners. Moreover, they are underdog winners, a perilous position to be in at kick-off. This is especially true when considering both of their prime opponents’ money, organization power, and insatiable madness not to lose.

Make no mistake; Mike Huckabee is not going to be the Republican nominee for president of the United States, any more than Pat Buchanan was going to be in 1992 or John McCain in 2000, or George H. W. Bush way back in 1980. Huckabee’s Iowa stand will be his Alamo, a mere blip on the rest of this exercise. But what Iowa managed to do for the Republican Party was provide suitable tread for the drag-ass McCain, Fred Thompson, and Rudy Giuliani campaigns, ostensibly opening wide the door of opportunity for the entire field.

Particularly, it is McCain who remains a dangerous counter-offensive for a party that has never embraced him, in fact, mostly despises him, but may have to decide he is the only Republican candidate who could stave off an unavoidable Democratic take-over on the national stage.

Had Mitt Romney, the party darling and fabricated money pit, won, there would have been an inevitability to the coming weeks which would have made campaigning something of a pathetic dirge. Instead, the insanity of the Huckabee victory is like some kind of free pass for every GOP candidate, including the mercurial Ron Paul run. It literally put the fear of God into the party powerbrokers, who watched their golden shyster piss away nearly eight million dollars for the right to be flogged like a musk ox by a Bible fanatic.

Unlike Huckabee, Barrack Obama is no joke, no mere blip or strange eruption of angered extremists sending a message to the party platform. He is a rock star.

RNC Chairman, Mike Duncan, looking more like someone who wandered into a dangerous neighborhood with a fat wallet than the party’s staunch figurehead, clearly had a hard time coming to grips with it, and probably should not have been coerced to appear boondoggled on national television. Before long, wide-eyed and sweating profusely, he was making weirdly formed cases for Duncan Hunter and the ghost of Strom Thurmond.

“Anything, Jesus, anything but this!” he screamed into the camera.

But it was a joyous yawp compared to the fallout at Clinton Central, where phone calls from New Hampshire did not bring good news. These are the tough inquiries when the wheels begin to come loose. The ones from under-whelmed fundraisers in Manhattan and Southern California who need to know what the fuck happened to promises that “the worst that will transpire in Iowa is a cheap Edwards victory, which we’ll wipe clean in five days.”

Unlike Huckabee, Barack Obama is no joke, no mere blip or strange eruption of angered extremists sending a message to the party platform. He is a rock star. He is a revivalist voice from some remote outpost; a phenomenon of youth, race, and indescribable energy. He looks like he was created for the stump, a modern-day Moses in a power tie; something the Democrats have been begging for since Robert Kennedy was murdered, his younger brother left a woman to drown in his car, and Gary Hart danced away on a yacht.

Obama’s speech election night was pure inspiration. Coming as it did on the heels of Senator Rodham’s robotic concession drone, it was political theater. Worse still for Clinton, Obama obliterated the once impenetrable suit of Hillary armor, the fallacy of the Electable Inevitable, the all-important national poll numbers which had her guffawing at the silly notion of these annoying little primaries. Madam Shoo-In’s defeat is compounded by a count of 41 to 17 percent of independents and the ridiculous amount of women, particularly young women, who voted overwhelmingly for her surging opponent.

Traditional wisdom by early morning after the Iowa Caucuses had the rural, predominantly middle-class, white, working class Midwesterners leveling a stark repudiation on the status quo; a weakened president, a flaccid congress, and a heap of economic and foreign policy woe to come: A barely one-term senator with no experience (little blood on his hands and less skeletons in the closets) and a down-home Baptist preacher, a true GOP outsider/underdog (not a corporate puppet) crushing the two more entrenched national frontrunners.

It is a theory certainly co-opted by a shaken John Edwards, who had more or less spent the past four years banking on Iowa to jettison his last hurrah. He stood before his stunned constituents and shouted, “Tonight there is a vote for change!”

But it was certainly not a vote for Edwards, who, unlike the Republican clan, can only endure one more defeat before surrendering. Then, what does he do with his formidable support? Hand it to the woman he has been thrashing relentlessly for months or to the rocket ride from Illinois?

It is true that the Iowa turnout broke records in all demographics, including youth, women, and independents. Sixty percent of the participants were first-timers. Lines formed early. People were turned away. Well over two-hundred thousand participated, an eighty-nine percent growth from 2004 in a swing-state that split between Al Gore in 2000 and George W. Bush four years later.

It was arguably the most powerfully resonant Iowa Caucus in history, but all of it means little without New Hampshire’s outcome in less than a week. It sits there like a firewall, a Waterloo, or a launching pad of historical proportions.

Obama wins there, then he will surely take South Carolina and begin to put the squeeze on things. Huckabee shows up and he will make life hard for the GOP big boys, and if McCain makes his stand, there will be hard decisions coming.

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Mitt Romney: Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell

Aquarian Weekly 12/12/07 REALITY CHECK

MITT ROMNEY: DON’T ASK – DON’T TELL

A person should not be elected because of his faith, nor should he be rejected because of his faith. – Mitt Romney 12/6/07

Mitt RomneyHalleluiah! The voice of reason and enlightenment bellows from the voice of Mitt Romney, Republican, Mormon, Pro-Choice/Pro-Life, Pro-Gay Rights/Anti-Gay Marriage, Pro-War/ Anti-War candidate. Down in the Iowa polls and out nearly ten million bucks, he greases the hair, polishes the smile, floods the stage with American flags, and begins to flippantly deconstruct his party’s entire political platform for the past decade: Take religion out of politics? Ah, but wait, in literally the same rancid breath he lauds the tenets of Christian faith as not only a prerequisite for his own candidacy, but the very fabric of the nation and its government.

It is the worst kind of pandering, pathetically transparent and manipulative, reeking of disingenuous double-speak. It humps the very ghost of the Checker’s Speech and pays homage to the demons of Tammany Hall, rendering Romney either perfect presidential timber or a madman.

Mitt Romney may be a two-bit carney grifter with the morals of a guttersnipe, but I’m willing to forgive him for that. Most presidential candidates possess the guttersnipe gene. It is inherent. No one can achieve lasting success in this game without it. Survival is impossible for those bound to high-ethics. Principles are for losers. So we must exonerate pusillanimity in our big-time politicians. However, what we can no longer willingly accept is another crazy man in the White House. Eight years of this non sequitur seat-of-the-pants lunacy is quite enough for any civilized nation outside of Central America.

I’m sorry, but it is painfully difficult for anyone not using dung for brains to fathom why a republican candidate running for any office save dogcatcher would question the inclusion of his religious authenticity. Mere desperation? Sure, for a Democrat. But what party crammed this mindless claptrap into the public discourse in the first place?

There’s video playing on my computer screen right now of Romney questioning why people need to know his religious convictions. He is stunned that his Mormonism would be an issue in his campaign.

What the…?

Perhaps he’s kidding? I’m always down for humor in the grind of a difficult stump. Maybe Romney is just cutting it up. That must be it. He’s a jokester. Not crazy, but merely funny. But no one is laughing. No. They are applauding. He looks deadly serious.

The only explanation left is Romney’s leaning on his strength, lying, but despite his astounding proclivity for the craft, he’s not even a good liar. For the duration of his crumbling campaign the best he’s done is say he either didn’t mean something or he now believes something else. Once again, this is all fine and dandy. In fact, lying is a prerequisite for the presidency, so he had better bone up, especially if he plans on lying at this Herculean rate.

But please, no more babbling frat-house coke fiends hooked on Jesus who run to deranged, crippled old warmongers for policy judgment!

Perhaps Romney is just stupid. Yes, dumb. Reagan was as dumb as a pole. And LBJ had cobwebs in his frontal lobes. Hell, you can be an idiot and still lead.

Wait, Romney’s still speaking. He’s reversed course again and says that although his particular sect of Christianity is off limits, (Mormons are considered cultists by the rest of Christianity) it is important that religion stay in our nation’s forefront in everything from celebrating Christmas to swearing in on the Bible, and those opposed to all this “have taken the separation of church and state beyond its original meaning.”

Wait! What? Hasn’t he just called for a separation of church and state so we can leave him alone about his wacky beliefs? And how does Romney know this so-called “original meaning”? Has he engaged in séance with Thomas Jefferson lately? This sounds awfully close to George W. Bush consulting the Virgin Mary on bombing the Middle East.

Perhaps Romney is just stupid. Yes, dumb. Reagan was as dumb as a pole. And LBJ had cobwebs in his frontal lobes. Hell, you can be an idiot and still lead. But he doesn’t appear to have mental deficiencies. Romney speaks clearly enough and seems to believe most of what he says. I always felt Al Gore and John Kerry lost because they were phonies that didn’t quite embrace phoniness. This is why they could never grasp the finer points of campaigning. You could never quite shake the feeling while listening to them that they’d stolen someone else’s identity and were caught in a disquieting plot of alien design.

Romney has that look right now as he blurts out the phrase “moral convictions” every thirty seconds to keep from convulsing. I half expect a reptile to explode from his rib cage at any moment.

Watch Romney speak some time. Really watch him. The eyes dart spastically, the brow furrows, his speech patterns falter and then queer altogether. He often looks like the boy who has just realized he’s lost in a department store; that eerily suspended moment of panic-clarity before the freak-out.

“It is important to recognize that while differences in theology exist between the churches in America, we share a common creed of moral convictions.”

Creed? No they don’t. Not at all. I have a Jewish friend on the phone right now.

“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”

“What? No!”

I’m dialing up a Muslim as Romney keeps rolling.

“Religion and freedom endure together or perish alone.”

I’m not even sure what that means. Is that some kind of existential gobbledygook designed to hypnotize the elderly? Where is this going? Are we supposed to include Romney’s Christian tenets or ignore them? Is religion in or out of this thing? Are we to consider his incredibly passionate and enduring sense of faith and at the same time not expect him to be influenced by it? I’m confused. I’m not sure what this guy stands for or what he is capable of? I like his tie, though. He looks presidential in a way. He moves his hands in a subtle but forceful manner. I am beginning to love his indescribable aura of invincibility and ambiguity, like the living embodiment of an epic poem. He appears as a god.

My taxes are paid. My future is secure. War is over. Praise Jesus!

I like his chances.

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2007 Iowa Caucuses Loom

Aquarian Weekly 12/5/07 REALITY CHECK

30 DAYS TO PAY DIRT Iowa Caucuses Loom For GOP & Dems

Barack ObamaThere’s been over a year of white noise and revelry and backbiting and futile positioning rhetoric between 16 candidates with nary an incumbent nor true frontrunner sitting pretty. Long and pointless months of innocuous sound bites and crowded debate stages, asinine media manipulation and representative-laced excuse mongering has given way to the true campaign season, separating the haughty posturing and delicate strategies from the nitty gritty.

The wide-open 2008 race for the White House has entered the realm of Go Time, a buzz phrase for all campaign officials who’ve toiled with little sleep or personal monetary gain for mounting weeks and months in order to see tangible results. Go Time for the huddled and hunkered in a presidential race is pudding proof, when rubber finally hits road, and over the next crucial month Republican and Democratic hopefuls will put petal to metal and turn all these insufferable polls and goofy prognostications into the ultimate campaign trail pay-off, VOTES.

Here at The Desk, where we have driven a rusty spike through the hollow heart of two such endeavors in 2000 and 2004 – arguably the most hotly contested, protested and detested presidential election seasons ever – we have lain low, preaching patience and the need for a sober, stand-back level of perspective. That time is past. Thirty days is a blip in this procedure. A bad month has crushed the nuts of big-time politicians; shoo-in muscle geeks, who looked right but went left and fell into Carroll’s Rabbit Hole never to return.

The month before an opening primary or caucus will maim a weak candidate and catapult a strong one. What happens over the next thirty days, especially in the case of certain prominent candidates, may well determine the ultimate fate of the next president of the United States.

On January 3, the earliest starting gun in the history of this nation’s presidential campaign season, a season which has been ramping up the moment the Democrats stormed mathematical control of the legislative branch 13 months prior, an Iowa Caucasus for both parties will set in motion several scenarios which could cut the field, put to rest the wounded, and fire the panic jets beneath heretofore unstoppable marches.

Recall recent history when John Kerry’s 2004 run entered the final month before Go Time a floundering mess, overshadowed in every circle by a manic Howard Dean, only to emerge 45 days later as an “electable” juggernaut, or back in 2000, when a struggling George W. Bush was pushed to the brink by a hard-charging John McCain before baring the kind of fangs that put him in the big chair and eventually launched the War Era.

Let’s begin with where the Republican candidates stand.

After last week’s raucous YOUTUBE debate, which resembled the audience whoops and participant rancor of the most idiotic Jerry Springer freak show, the shift in the Iowa poll numbers is stark. The state’s shaky frontrunner, Mitt Romney’s shallowly disingenuous stammering and the pit-bull snarls of national poll leader, Rudy Giuliani gave way to a somewhat coherent Ron Paul and a stellar performance from Mike Huckabee. According to a Dec. 2 Des Moines Register poll, Romney, who has spent $7 million in his Iowa effort, has dipped from 29 to 24 percent, while Huckabee, spender of a poultry 300 grand in the state, has spiked from 12 to a leading 29 percent. Giuliani, whose people never expected anything from the caucus, wallows with the other also-rans at 13 percent.

Thirty days is a blip in this procedure. A bad month has crushed the nuts of big-time politicians; shoo-in muscle geeks, who looked right but went left and fell into Carroll’s Rabbit Hole never to return.

As stated here ad nauseam and proven out repeatedly, polls mean less than nothing. They are fun as a meager checkpoint and to analyze against trends, but usually end up stiffing, particularly in mercurial voting sites like Iowa and New Hampshire. However, one major issue has transpired on the Republican side: Romney, a flip-flopping master in the plastic-coated bull dung composition of a Bill Clinton or Ronald Regan, has teetered on the brink with Evangelical Christians. His vacillating positions on abortion, gay rights, and other key social issues have allowed Huckabee to vault ahead, but the former Arkansas governor and Baptist pastor has little to no party support to challenge in a national election and has even less money to win it.

Republican insiders believe Huckabee’s momentum will only serve to strengthen the Giuliani strategy of waiting out early losses, which are almost certainly assured in Iowa, NH, and possibly South Carolina, creating a confusing log-jam and leaving him the rest of the big states to grab on Super Tuesday, February 5. Nearly half the delegates stand to be taken on the biggest such primary day in history.

The Wait Game for Uncle Rudy also means allowing time for a Democratic candidate to come into focus. If it’s Hillary Clinton, then he is almost a guaranteed choice to head her at the pass, regardless of the former New York City mayor’s uber-liberal stance on gay rights, abortion, immigration, and even gun control.

Hillary? Not so fast.

With one month to go before the Democrats vote in Iowa, the 12-month honeymoon for Madam Shoo-In has come to a screeching halt. The Barack Obama campaign has woken up. By managing to deftly remain on the high road, they’ve also brazenly taken the bruises leveled on Senator Rodham by John Edwards and turned them into a legitimate comeback.

The same Dec. 2 Des Moines Register poll has Obama up from 22 to 28 percent and Senator Rodham slipping from 29 to 25 percent, only two percentage points behind a steady Edwards at 23.

Again, taking these numbers with huge grains of sodium, perception is everything. Up until about two weeks ago Obama looked nearly dead. Only massive Hollywood cash support and a groundswell of anti-Clinton rumblings from inside the party kept him from the kind of flash-in-the-pan footnote status the wooden Fred Thompson has settled into. Suddenly, with Clinton’s husband mucking up the works making up stories about not supporting the Iraq war before he didn’t support it or some such nonsense and a likely surge coming from the Oprah Winfrey factor when she enters the fray later this week, Obama’s electricity in Iowa could change everything.

Clinton has been not only running a national campaign and more or less ignoring the Democratic field for six months, the Republicans have already anointed her the opponent. She cannot afford to drop Iowa and limp into New Hampshire, which is notorious for following up an Iowa victory (check Kerry over Dean in ’04) or going nutso like a Pat Buchanan or Paul Tsongas win. Then South Carolina’s strong African American voter base may take early victories as a sign Obama could actually win this baby and avalanche what was once a Sure Thing.

But Sure Things come and go quickly in the primary season. A little bump like actually voting has a way of turning bold candidates into road kill and making newspaper jackasses look as stupid as they sound. Most importantly, winners have a way of standing come summer.

Thirty days.

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Renounce Citizenship & Save $

Aquarian Weekly 11/7/07 REALITY CHECK

EXPATRIATE WINDFALL How Renouncing Your Citizenship Can Save You Big $

Eliot SpitzerGood news for smart people.

Before the Democrats take over and tax us silly in a veiled attempt at yanking this country out of the fiscal sinkhole the Bush lunatics have dug us, the comedy team of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and the Homeland Security Department have offered an out. As of December of this year, all breathing humans, legal, illegal or otherwise will be able to procure a driver’s license in the Empire State, joining Arizona, Vermont and Washington as the latest sanctuary for tax evasion.

This means a binding identification to work, bank and the undeniably powerful access to mobility all in one fell swoop; simultaneously subverting the privilege of citizenry while rendering the burden to pay taxes obsolete.

And to think I wasted two years trying to secede from the union, when all I had to do is renounce citizenship and still receive all the police protection, fire department assistance, and several other civic amenities I stupidly pay for currently. Now I’ll simply pony up property tax to the state government and gleefully tell the feds to take their crazed warmongering and international nation building and those pork-addled entitlements handed to lazy-ass senior citizens and unemployed crack-baby machines and shove them all.

You have to love the Bush Administration. It will not take no for an answer. The president wanted full amnesty for illegal aliens and was rebuffed with extreme prejudice by a whopping majority of the American people and a surprisingly uncooperative congress. So what? You think a man who joined the National Guard and never showed up could be denied? You think a man who inhaled mounds of cocaine for two decades could not co-opt Jesus into high-profile political gigs? You think a president sitting on the lowest approval ratings since Nero wouldn’t start bombing Iran tomorrow?

Not being a citizen means not having to send your kids to be mutilated in the desert for the next half century so the fat chick next door can drive her Hummer down to the Atlantic & Pacific for chocolate slathered grease balls.

Bush is a competitor. Yee-Ha! If we know nothing else about Captain Shoo-In, we know that much. Junior gets what Junior wants, and I applaud him for it. Hey, you never know, soon whatever is left of your Social Security will be riding on the mercurial vagaries of the stock market, Bubba.

His partner in this caper, Eliot Spitzer, is an elitist bully, who placates the insurance lobbies in their raping of the middle class while selling the unfathomable idea that unleashing criminals onto our byways will lower rates. By denying the poor their tax-free earnings and pulling illegal aliens from their blessed invisible freedoms into our shackled tax burdens, he has become the uber-liberal bogeyman.

But none of the above is our concern any longer.

It is a new dawn. The Wild West has returned, and rather than decry it like the last angry fossil, it is time to embrace change, strap on the helmet, and cash in.

Issuing formal IDs and handing privileged licenses to lure harbored criminals “out of the shadows” is just the beginning. This is a new age. Legitimate citizenry is for suckers. What do you need to be an American citizen for? So you can vote? Choose from the line-up of drooling troglodytes we’re presented each year? Keep it. Not being a citizen means not having to send your kids to be mutilated in the desert for the next half century so the fat chick next door can drive her Hummer down to the Atlantic & Pacific for chocolate slathered grease balls. Next to hailing from the People’s Republic of China, what better financial future could you provide the little shit-bags?

It’s easy as sin to renounce citizenship. Go to any federal building and ask about where one can change the “status of citizenry”. If they ask where you will be living, tell them to deal with your ACLU attorney. Those are easy to get. Since the moment I took the helm here at The Desk I have them on speed-dial.

Once you are an expatriate, move to New York and join the one million “illegals” joyfully roaming untouched. Immediately apply for a nifty Level-Three license. Use it to open a bank account at Citibank, Bank One, or the nearly 40 financial institutions that regularly serve illegal aliens. You can then apply for a credit card from dozens of lending institutions that do so without requesting a single Social Security digit.

Now you’re riding the crest of the new wave.

From here getting further phony documentation is easy. Go online. For less than a grand you can have anything you need to bolster your new or old identity.

It is best to next weasel into a big company job. Big companies fight like hell to keep you working. And they rarely pay “on the record”, which keeps things neat and clean.

Let’s face it; being a non-person person is living the dream. Standing for nothing and everything at once. Responsible or accountable for nothing and receiving all there is to receive.

The American Dream.

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The Hillary Machine

Aquarian Weekly 10/31/07 REALITY CHECK

THE HILLARY MACHINE Madam Shoo-In On The March

Citizen HilThe Democratic Party is officially scared. From the chessboard scheduling of the hackneyed winter primaries to the spastic rumblings over at moveon.org to the sudden awakening of the flaccid Barrack Obama campaign, the widespread panic is palpable. The consensus is in: Hillary Rodham Clinton is unstoppable and a growing number of Democrats are not sure they like it.

There is little arguing Madam Shoo-In is a mighty force now. Unless there is a major leftist revolt in the Democratic Party, as there surely will be a right-wing uprising in the Republican Party soon, Hillary Rodham Clinton is looking more and more like the anointed one.

She sure sounds anointed; populist to hardliner, dove to hawk, upstart to entrenched, the political map is covered. There is nothing Clinton will not and has not claimed as her own, a sure sign of someone not fucking around. There is a clear difference between what Senator Rodham is doing and what the other Democratic candidates are attempting to do. The field is making their case for nomination. Ms. Hillary is making a case for president.

Before a vote is cast, a bribe is offered, or the flavor of the month goes sour, it appears the Democrats are more than likely going to send another liberal northeastern senator to the slaughter, and this one is a woman AND a Clinton.

Hence…The Fear.

Inexorable political machines some sixty-plus days from the first primary (whenever the hell that will be, check back with us) can be gangbusters for Republicans, but an impending grindhouse for Democrats. Resolute marches produced victories for Nixon in ’68 and’72 and Reagan in ’80 and ’84, but Democrats have seen this disaster movie too many times. Such monumental national flops as McGovern and Dukakis had the early mojo only to be eviscerated in both the press and eventually at the polls.

The Democratic powerbrokers know the score. The last time the party had a streaking wildcard candidate this unflinching those in charge convened to sink Howard Dean so fast nobody in my position could properly explain it. The Dean people you talk to today still harbor trenchant grudges for being bamboozled by what they claim was “a fixed game”.

There is a clear difference between what Senator Rodham is doing and what the other Democratic candidates are attempting to do. The field is making their case for nomination. Ms. Hillary is making a case for president.

Ironically, Dean now presides over a party which misled the public into believing a vote for them would end the Iraq occupation. He stands somewhere between survival and severe political backslide unless our dumbbell commander-in-chief listens to the vice president’s age-ravaged blood-clout reasoning again and starts bombing Iranian nuclear facilities.

Of course even that kind of doom-struck behavior might as easily queer Hillary’s deal as seal it, seeing how she was among a majority of senators to rubber stamp Iran as a terrorist threat, thus handing the mad bomber boy president another blank war pass.

High-ranking officers at the Hillary For President committee are well aware of all these blindsiding factors. This is why over the past two months Senator Rodham has gone from silent primary front-runner to vociferous national candidate, ignoring silly speed bumps like Iowa straw polls and wild upset stories from New Hampshire. They have all-but told the anti-war crowd to shove it, taking a page from the 110th Congress, and set their agenda to such national election fodder as health care, foreign policy shifts and balancing the federal budget.

And don’t think anyone at Democrat Headquarters think it anything less than defiance that on the issue of federal cash hemorrhaging, the candidate has repeatedly referred to her husband’s stellar economic record over the past few weeks.

Ignoring party power brokers is either suicide (Dean) or genius (Bill Clinton), and since the last name of the frontrunner happens to share the latter’s the plan is to plow ahead ignoring key platforms, special interest lobbies, and the usual party crutches that might slow down The Machine.

The Clintons have never been the darlings of the Democratic Party, just as, ironically, neither have the Bushes. Yet to hear most over-hyped pundits call it we may have a double-dynasty on our hands: A minimum 24 years of Bush/Clinton White Houses, two family names running purportedly the freest nation on the planet. So how is it a second Clinton is poised to take the Democratic nomination?

Timing.

Big Bill’s accent in the Democratic Party from early 1991 to November ’92 was an odyssey of good timing and better luck. George Bush’s approval ratings were so high in ’91 nobody with half the brains or a third of the will to capture the presidency dared challenge him. In that vacuum appeared a little-known governor of Arkansas with a rap sheet of bad press so long he resembled the perfect sacrificial lamb. And Clinton would have been toast too if not for the blind hubris underlying Bush’s reelection non-strategy and a human monkey wrench named Ross Perot. The brash stupidity of the Republican Revolution of 1994 and a laughably inept Bob Dole put him back in.

George Bush sr. could have sleepwalked through the 1988 campaign, and many claim he did. In ’92 this damaged method of campaigning earned him a permanent vacation. But his son learned a thing or two about staying on your toes, and when the Republican Party pulled a Howard Dean ambush on the remains of the loose-cannon John McCain 2000 run, realizing it best to pitch a ventriloquist dummy against an unlikable dink like Al Gore, the rest is history.

Oh, and fear of gays and Arabs doomed John Kerry, who was so incapable of defending himself, his record or his indecipherable agenda, Junior only needed to not appear guilty to regain power.

Make no mistake, timing is everything in 2008: No incumbent and an incredibly liberal line of front-runners in the Republican Party mean daylight for Democrats. This works for Madam Shoo-In since running as a liberal New York Senator who happens to sport a vagina is a dead-end risk. It also works against her. The party is not going to allow this kind of smooth opening to be pissed away on the haughty dreams of a silver-spoon candidate whose been under the impression for over two decades that eating her husband’s heaping shovels of horseshit means she gets to be president.

Of course there will be plenty who argue that just because George sr’s condom busted we’re at war with the entire Middle East.

And I might be one of them.

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The Bush Stall Tactic (Petraeus)

Aquarian Weekly 9/19/07 REALITY CHECK

FOUR CORNER PETRAEUS Cowboy-In-Chief Plays Keep Away Until He’s Safely Out Of Dodge

Before a knuckle-dragging mutant by the name of Bobby Knight surpassed him, Dean Smith commandeered more victories than any coach in college basketball history. He was not a particularly articulate man, nor did he possess anything close to a personality. He claimed to be religious and like girls, but no one knew anything about that. Dean Smith was a basketball coach, nothing more. Still, they called him a genius and not only named a building after him while he was still alive, he actually coached in it. General David Petraeus

For a long time, a really long time, Smith could not win the big one, even with a ton of talented teams at North Carolina University, which was and is by all sane accounts a basketball factory. It wasn’t until a kid named Michael Jordan showed up and hit a jump shot in the waning moments of a championship game against Georgetown University in 1982 did Smith finally win the big one, 21 years after he began what turned out to be an illustrious 36 year career.

Smith may never have won the big one if not for Air Jordan and something called the Four Corners Offense, a ridiculous nightmare of a strategy that simply spread a rotation of players on the corners of the court to pass the ball around in a kind of bizarre pitch and catch keep-away fest until the clock ran out. Earlier that March, North Carolina defeated the favored Virginia Cavaliers for the ACC championship by holding the basketball for the final 12 minutes of the contest, an exhibition in stalling so painfully boring the National Broadcasting Company’s network switchboard received a record number of complaints by game’s end.

The next season the NCAA, deluged with ridicule over Smith’s mockery of the sport, reluctantly adopted a shot clock and the three-point field goal.

Smith may or may not have been a genius, but he sure as hell banked his reputation, his livelihood, and his entire legacy as a coach on one enduring, immutable fact: as long as you’ve got the ball, you cannot lose.

No one, not even his most ardent sycophants, has ever accused George W. Bush of being a genius, but without a unified congress to override a veto and an unchallenged control of the United States military, he has the ball, and he’s going to keep it until the clock runs out.

Even a feckless weasel like Harry Reid knows there is no shot clock in the colonization of a sovereign nation. Shit, there’s no clock at all. It can go on for a long time. How long? Well, unless my high definition signal failed me, I heard our Boy President say this Thursday night: “Iraqi leaders have asked for an enduring relationship with America. And we are ready to begin building that relationship.”

Enduring. Begin. Building. Relationship.

Pass to the corner, back to the top, over to the other corner, back to the top, over to the corner…

A sedentary shell game is the finest strategic ploy this mangled foreign policy has showcased. What else could a lame duck commander-in-chief with dismal approval ratings and a daily bloodbath half a globe away expect to gain but to play keep-away from those who would pin this lunacy on him while he was still “in charge”.

In a staggering eighth Oval Office address since the beginning of military action in Iraq, the president went on to list further benchmarks for a “return on success” set to unfurl in March 2008 after another “fresh assessment of the situation” and then later in July for a ramp-down of a few thousand troops to approximately the pre-surge level of 130,000. What happens then is as clear as it has ever been these past four plus blood-soaked years.

“This vision for a reduced American presence also has the support of Iraqi leaders from all communities. At the same time, they understand that their success will require U.S. political, economic, and security engagement that extends beyond my presidency.” Absent the slightest hint of an end game or definition of victory beyond not losing Iraq to radical Muslim fundamentalists, there will be much passing of the ball around until the president either hands it off to another Republican who might be stupid enough to endure the bad guys or a dumbfounded Democrat who will either yank the troops in disaster or engage in almost certain doomed negotiations with a tattered make-shift government.

Either way, by “extending beyond my presidency”, Captain Shoo-In cannot lose Iraq. Therefore, in some kind of warped homage to Dean Smith’s b-ball abomination, Bush wins. Somebody might lose, but not him, bubba.

For months the coming of David Howell Petraeus was as anticipated in Washington D.C. as Julius Caesar’s triumphant return from Gaul. The news was not good for the Senate then, and it’s not good for the Democratic-controlled Senate now. “All is well,” Petraeus told a dubious congressional tribunal this week. “But not so well that we can leave.”

So The Surge now becomes a Wait, just like the expunging of a tyrant and the stripping of his not-so weapons became democratizing the Middle East. It’s been a stall all along. The Four Corners.

Genius.

A sedentary shell game is the finest strategic ploy this mangled foreign policy has showcased. What else could a lame duck commander-in-chief with dismal approval ratings and a daily bloodbath half a globe away expect to gain but to play keep-away from those who would pin this lunacy on him while he was still “in charge”. As my friend Pat Buchanan said late last week; “The Democrats have been defeated horse, foot and dragoons. There will be no cutoff of funds. There will be no deadlines imposed. What they’re likely to get is a token withdrawal maybe of one brigade around Christmastime.”

Pat, who knows a thing or two about hair-brained presidential foreign policy wig-outs first hand, continued; “The president of the United States will have a major army in Iraq by the time he leaves office. He has won this battle. And I’ll tell you what’s next. He’s gearing up right now. Having defeated the Democrats, he’s looking at phrase three, which is the attack on Iran.”

Holy shit.

Yes, from Four Corners to Damn The Torpedoes, a neck-wrenching u-turn if there ever was one.

Now Captain Shoo-In can sit back and chuckle like LBJ did at Dick Nixon’s escalation of a war in South East Asia he foolishly campaigned to end. Maybe dump the whole shebang on another Clinton as his daddy dumped Saddam Hussein on Big Bill.

Junior might never win the big one, and General Petraeus is no Michael Jordan, but not losing is a kind of winning.

Pass to the corner, back to the top, over to the other corner, back to the top, over to the corner…

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Senator Larry Craig & Gay Rights

Aquarian Weekly 9/12/07 REALITY CHECK

POT & KETTLE REVELATIONSLarry Craig’s Curious Case Advances The Cause of Gay Rights

Larry CraigWhy does Idaho Senator Larry Craig have to resign? Tell me. You can’t and he doesn’t. It’s ridiculous. Tapping one’s foot in a bathroom stall does not a high crime make. Misdemeanor? Speeding is a misdemeanor. Is Craig morally corrupt for trolling bathroom stalls for sex when he is a married man? Of course. Is that why he’s getting shit? Nope. He’s getting shit because he’s queer. Period. He’s a fag. Yeah, let’s dogpile on the fairy. Disgusting! Lewd! Unnatural! Evil! Think whatever you wish, but none of it is unlawful, at least not as unlawful as denying the civil rights of American citizens, but then Mr. Craig knows something about that.

The morning I write this Craig says he’s going to fight this thing, despite being a staunch Republican who has made a career of whipping his Bible frenzy into a fear mongering anti-gay constituency. He refuses to resign because he just realized flirting with men in an airport bathroom is not grounds for expulsion from the federal government. Hell, the vice president shot a man in the face. I’m not gay, but I might choose a bathroom stall hummer over getting flying hot lead in the kisser.

But I digress considerably.

The fact is Craig’s actions have nothing to do with his being either a competent or lousy lawmaker, just as the sexual orientation of taxpaying, law-abiding adult citizens should not deny them their constitutional right to civil union.

Saint Paul called this an epiphany.

I call it poetic justice. Poetic or not, it’s justice.

Craig still claims he’s not gay, but he is definitely stupid. Last month the senator immediately pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct without consulting an attorney. He should have fought it then. He didn’t. He was instituting the Clinton Plan: Lay low and hope no one, least of all his wife, finds out. It’s a wonder these guys make it out of high school much less places like Oxford while stumbling into high office.

However, stupidity is not a crime either. We have diligently covered that possibility here for several years and apparently no one’s buying.

Is Craig morally corrupt for trolling bathroom stalls for sex when he is a married man? Of course. Is that why he’s getting shit? Nope. He’s getting shit because he’s queer. Period. He’s a fag. Yeah, let’s dogpile on the fairy.

So, let’s review: Larry Craig is gay, stupid, an adulterer, a hypocrite, and busted for lewd behavior in an airport restroom. Any of these may be considered reprehensible behavior, but certainly not high crimes or grounds for forced resignation. He could be censored or reprimanded, but not booted. He is an elected official, therefore the people should decide Craig’s fate, not the legislative branch. Undoing a vote is a dangerous game.

That much settled, how exactly does this mess advance the cause of gay rights?

I present for your disapproval the recent and lurid tale of Louisiana Congressman David Vitter, whose name appeared in the phone records of a DC prosititution ring. Prostitution is illegal in Washington DC. Guess what? Vitter is still a congressman. He committed a crime, albiet tecnically dismissed on a statute of limitations (Vitter was smart enough to actually contact a lawyer). He got shit, made a fancy consiliatory speech with his humiliated spouse by his pathetic side, and waddled off into the sunset. How is that possible you ask? He’s not gay.

Hetero guy who commits a crime stays.

Gay guy who commits a low-grade misdimeanor goes bye-bye.

So I ask you fair citizenry of these United States, home of the brave and free, where we are all created equal and spread our good will across the globe, how is the above contradiction not the greatest argument for a spurious, unfounded, bigoted denial of basic civil rights? Worse still; how is it not the very definition of not being equal in the eyes of the law?

I hope Craig fights this, but my guess is he will cave; convinced his exit is for the good of the team – the Republican team that uses as its platform a blatant abuse of the Bill Of Rights. If that doesn’t work they’ll threaten him silly. If Craig wants to keep his sexual denial afloat he probably shouldn’t fight. That would take courage and conviction. Craig has shown no signs of possessing these attributes thus far.

But know this, if he does fight, there is no other way to do so without claiming he’s been railroaded for a “type” of behavior and not merely the behavior. It is a solid defense, but an argument that must be made by a gay man fighting a system that denies him a fair playing field.

This is a far cry from former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey’s ludicrous claim that he was forced to resign because of his sexual orientation, when in reality his administration was high crimes central.

It is also an interesting dilemma for both Republicans and Democrats.

Republicans obviously wish to see this go away quickly to rebuild faith in defending Craig’s empty seat by the next election cycle and to put as much distance between themselves and flag-waving anti-gay voices who also happen to be closet homosexuals. Interestingly, Pennsylvania Senator Arlene Specter, a senior Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, has reportedly urged Craig to fight on.

Demorats would also love to see Craig exit and grab his seat in the process. However, if there is any friend of gay rights in the Capital it is the Democratic Party. Do Democrats support Craig’s fight on the grounds of fairness or do they go the predictable mud slinging route? Not surprisingly thus far the latter has won out.

Coincidentally, Craig’s current all-star legal team is headed by Billy Martin, who represented Michael Vick in his dogfighting case. Activists used Vick’s celebrity and the ubiquitous media coverage to advance the cause of animal rights. Why can’t gay activists make Craig’s faux pas about gay rights? Because they hate the gay-bashing hypocritical Craig? If this is true than it is shortsighted and leads to a deadend. Politics makes strange bedfellows (pardon the pun) and right now the movement may have no better martyr than Larry Craig, persecuter of homosexuals.

I already mentioned Saint Paul, right?

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The Blame Game

Aquarian Weekly 7/25/07 REALITY CHECK

THE BLAME GAMEPowerless Senate Debuts Finger-Pointing Show

Now that the latest surge of U.S. troops to Iraq has reduced our boy president to a cold-blooded murderer, we have the flaccid legislative Charge of The Lightweightsbranch of our government, which had its chance to refuse funding this slaughter months ago, join in as willing accomplices. The final indignation came this past week when the senate had the gall to turn what is fast becoming the most egregious mishandling of military operations in this nation’s sordid history into political theater. Complete with spine-tingling video of cots being rolled in and pizza deliverymen rushing up the Capital Hill steps, hapless CSPAN speechifying and spin-room garbles, an exercise in futility was allowed to go on for 20 useless hours ending with nothing.

Meanwhile, the United States Army parades into its fiftieth month of policing genocide with no mission beyond keeping its collective finger in the dam. What is left of the Republicans claim there is still a war going on, one that is imperative to save the planet, while the Democrats, many of whom voted for this invasion in the first place, hope to wash their hands of blood. And it is becoming increasingly obvious that there is not a solid majority among them that can offer a binding decision on any of it.

People whose job description is to song-and-dance have rarely exhibited a more self-serving showcase of gutless pabulum. Considering the hilarious history of congressional dog-and-pony filibuster acts, this is not an easy benchmark to reach, but reach it they did on 7/17, when for all intents and purposes the directionless Democrats called out doom-struck Republican hawks in a clumsy schoolyard blame game.

Every day I sit down to pen this nonsense; I’m prouder than ever to be an American.

I’ll say one thing, if I were a soldier in Iraq or the family of someone over there right now, I’d never pay another dollar in taxes again, vote anymore, and before moving off this continent, burn everything that reminds me I was an American citizen.

Can you imagine the level of horror and disgust in these people as they watch their elected officials convene for an endless debate on a fantasy bill submitting a spring deadline to the president for the withdrawal of troops when every one of them knows there is no way they’d even come close to enough votes for it?

Can you fathom the stinging bile that would be rising in your throat when you realize that this jockeying for position on who will be the architects of the inevitable face-saving pull-out next year or the year after, and which party might be better poised to gain the White House, appears far more important a goal than the safety and/or sane deployment of yourself or your loved ones?

Entering a fifth year of puttering around in the middle of a kill-fest, the American people, who have sacrificed family, life, limb, and billions in taxes deserve better than posturing, filibustering, and shameless name-calling.

Assuming, and this is a big assumption these days, that every senator understands the parameters of their position in the framework of this government, what other conclusion could a relatively objective observer come to but this staged event was nothing more than posturing?

This is as high an insult as a government can pay to its citizenry: “We know you have little idea and care even less how your system works, so we’ll make a mockery of it to appear sincere and hope you’re stupid enough to feel emboldened by our effort.”

And now for the Reality Check portion of our presentation…

At this juncture of waging war or using troops to colonize a nation, the congress has no recourse to cease it unless it cuts off funding. The congress can declare war or hand over the power of using military force to the commander-in-chief when the subject is broached, as it was in the spring of 2002 when 296 representatives voted in favor of it, 215 of which were Republicans and 81 Democrats. The only other true power the congress has after this is to fund said conflict, which they continued to do by supporting the recent “surge”. Of course they did so with a laughable non-binding resolution “disapproving” of the action; “I disapprove of you using this bat to beat the shit out of me, but here you go, sport.”

Bills, resolutions, debates, and staged harangues are tantamount to feeding an unstable fellow a blotter of acid, handing him the keys to your car and daring him to hit 100 mph. Then as you’re both careening off a cliff, you turn to him and plead for cautiousness. Oh, and to complete this stirring analogy, just before you plunge to your death, you make damn sure he knows this is all his fault.

Entering a fifth year of puttering around in the middle of a kill-fest, the American people, who have sacrificed family, life, limb, and billions in taxes deserve better than posturing, filibustering, and shameless name-calling.

I may have been mistaken or half-asleep or doped up, but I could swear Hillary Clinton has been running around giving speeches that the reasoning behind her 2002 vote was to merely allow the president the right to use force only if absolutely necessary. That’s not even decent Clintonian double-speak. Is it possible that this drool is what Democrats now call an anti-war strategy? “I may have given my car keys to an acid head, but I was stunned he drove it off a cliff!”

Look, everyone without shit for brains knows that four years of exit strategy is as bad as it gets. The over-matched president, who no longer has to run for office, has checked out of the Hotel Reality. The sickly vice president is likely to be dead by next year. The secretary of state has pitched her tent on Denial Mountain. And now it looks as though congress, those of whom are not busy running for president, is so ill prepared to deal with its neutered position, you wonder why they show up.

Meanwhile this prop of an Iraq government takes August off, the press pays lip service to backtracking generals, and kids die day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day.

I’m sure if any of them were here, they’d be glad the architects of this abortion consider this is some kind of spotlight for their guilt, a soapbox for ideology, and have gone through so much trouble to fill a rotunda with blame.

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Dick Cheney Power Abuse

Aquarian Weekly 7/11/07 REALITY CHECK

SONG OF THE DYING WHALE How A Decomposing Beached Sea Mammal Came To Bury A Presidency

Why did the president of the United States today interfere in a legal trial and do something he found deeply distasteful and hurtful? Three explanations. One, the war party, the neo-cons, demanded it as the price of staying behind him. Two, the vice president of the United States went in and called in all of his chits for his buddy. Three, the president or somebody in there feels that Scooter Libby behind bars is a walking time bomb. – Pat Buchanan 7/3/07

The Almighty DickWhile I am of the opinion that the law is bullshit (please refer to two of the past three entries to this space for ample proof) I am a sucker for the U.S. Constitution. It is the only part of this boondoggle democracy that separates the American people from being completely screwed by its government. In it, the vice presidency was originally framed as the second-leading receiver of votes in a general election. In other words, if things were not amended in 1804, John Kerry would be our vice president today, and not Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, who has been allowed to infect every part of the fantastically bungled presidency of George W. Bush.

But, alas, the advent of party politics diminished the roll of the vice president, reducing the office to pretty much nothing; nothing and the occasional crumb as president of the senate, which is maybe a two to three day a year gig.

To put it more directly, these past six years of twisted machinations emanating from the vice president’s office, from advocating war on a whim to the financing, running and clean-up of the thing through his buddies and jacking around the CIA to cover it up, is not only highly irregular, but downright stupid, which goes a long way to crushing these crazed leftist fantasies of a conniving, evil Boy President.

The Dick Cheney power-grab intimidation weight-throwing extravaganza has gotten so out of hand that not even the most ardent supporters of the now sadly debunked Bush-Is-In-Charge theory have to run for cover. If Captain Shoo-In had been anything but a vacuous walking suit, the rogue nature of the state department, secretary of defense, and especially the vice president would not have sunk his legacy in a sea of “old men clumsily attempting to capture the glory days” blunders.

Cheney is by definition of the constitution and the framework of our government an insignificant lump of flesh waiting for the president to die or the senate to be tied on some bill. His is a job best described as beached whale, but through some incredible malfeasance of reason he has been allowed to not only rule, but rule with mind-bending haphazard dumbness.

Cheney is by definition of the constitution and the framework of our government an insignificant lump of flesh waiting for the president to die or the senate to be tied on some bill. His is a job best described as beached whale, but through some incredible malfeasance of reason he has been allowed to not only rule, but rule with mind-bending haphazard dumbness.

John Adams was our first vice president. He deemed the position as “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.” Thomas R. Marshall, who served under Woodrow Wilson, once mused; “Once there were two brothers. One went away to sea; the other was elected vice president. And nothing was heard of either of them again.” When the animated statesman, Daniel Webster was offered a place on Zachary Taylor’s ticket, he declined, saying; “I do not intend to be buried until I am dead.” And before quitting in disgust, John Nance Garner, FDR’s first vice president, aptly described the position as not being “worth a pitcher of warm piss”.

So how is it that a slowly decomposing Washington lifer like Dick Cheney has survived long enough to become one of the most vocal, influential, vilified, dastardly, inept, and unilaterally unlucky men to ever hold the vice presidency? How did a relatively innocuous Bush Sr. cabinet member, who left politics a bitter and beaten man, morph into the most powerful vice president since another Dick ran the coma that was the Eisenhower administration?

There is only one answer: The president, completely overwhelmed and weakly qualified, allows it.

The second those towers fell in Manhattan on 9/11, Cheney has been an utter disaster for this absentee president. Somewhere between the Halliburton mess, the fiasco over “enriched uranium from Africa”, and a host of misnomers on the war as in “We will be welcomed as liberators” and “The insurgency is in its last throes”, to this ill-conceived Scooter Libby nonsense, the shooting of a man and covering it up, and now these bevy of “top secret” documents his office is hiding, Junior has allowed a man with no power nor a precedence for the claiming of power to hammerlock his authority and run the White House into the ground.

The president’s commuting of Libby’s sentence this past week is further evidence he has no say in his own administration. There is no good reason on the heels of having his immigration legislation summarily squashed by the right wing of congress, after it was openly derided by every conservative mouthpiece living, to hand out a gift like this. It is especially troubling when you consider Bush has been on record as loathing the commuting or pardoning of more questionable and harsher sentences while governor of Texas, and, most telling, became a viable candidate for president by running on some corny “restoring dignity to the presidency” hoo-ha.

No, Libby avoids prison to halt further legal battles and a final humiliation for this sad-sack second term. It is also not coincidental that Libby was not granted a complete pardon, which keeps him from having to testify in the pending civil trial by Ambassador Joe Wilson. If Libby were imprisoned, he’s likely to squeal. If he were a free man, he could be subpoenaed and squeal. So the commuting of his sentence makes it patently obvious a deal was struck to have him take a bullet for the shenanigans of his boss, Dick Cheney. The trial was a fraud, taxpayer money was wasted, and the law…everyone say it with me…is bullshit.

But there is always the Constitution, and if this milquetoast Congress could grow some stones, we might have ourselves the kind of lengthy and painful investigations that will all but cripple this already hemorrhaging swindle of a presidency.

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The Nifong Chronicles

Aquarian Weekly 6/27/07 REALITY CHECK

THE NIFONG CHRONICLES

Mike NifongIn our continuing series on “The Law Is Bullshit”, fresh from our Paris Hilton harangue from a week ago, we cast our collective eye on the sad and sordid tale of Michael Nifong, former Durham County District Attorney of North Carolina. Nifong, as nicely put as possible, was over-zealous in his attempt at trying a dubious but celebrated rape case against three Duke University lacrosse players. The more apt description would be that Nifong is a self-promoting sociopath, who used blatantly dangerous race-bating and sacrificed the good name of three relatively innocent children, clogging up the courts, breaking the law, pissing on his and the reputation of North Carolina law, and wasting a boatload of taxpayer cash for his mad pursuit of fame and fortune.

Nifong is the “former” district attorney because he resigned last week during his ethics trial with a weepy soliloquy that would green the envy of any self-defacing thespian. Not surprisingly, the same doom-struck instincts that had him withholding, creating, hiding evidence or lack thereof and publicly humiliating his suspects in front of any camera pointing his way led him to figure that by blubbering like Jimmy Swaggart and resigning his post would keep him out of prison.

This is similar to you deliberately burning down your place of employment, and then in a desperate attempt to avoid arson charges, you quit.

But unfortunately Nifong isn’t going to prison for being stupid. This, like celebrities and the wealthy covered last week, is no crime. If it were, there wouldn’t be a continent large enough to store them. No, Nifong should go away because he is an insidiously aggressive drain on society at large. People who use our courts as an American Idol audition, especially those who represent said courts, need to be punished, severely; disbarment for starters, then maybe a crash-course in actual rape in lock-up.

Turns out Nifong never had a case. Never. About a week after their arrest, DNA tests exonerated the three suspects of any rape charges, and about a week or less later it pretty much turned out the stripper “victim” was as trustworthy a source on her own abduction as the latest spokesman for the Pentagon on the results of military surges. Which is not very good, or to be honest, fucking horrible.

Nifong should go away because he is an insidiously aggressive drain on society at large. People who use our courts as an American Idol audition, especially those who represent said courts, need to be punished, severely; disbarment for starters, then maybe a crash-course in actual rape in lock-up.

But on Nifong went, for months, evidence and credibility be damned, and on the Durham court system let him run. Why? Well, for starters it was a slam-dunk glitzy case: Three lily-white, rich, allegedly wild and wooly college boys with tarnished behavioral records ordered up a poor black woman forced to take off her clothes to make ends meet and had their way with her. Throw in the stressed racial tensions in the Durham area, ninety percent of which is comprised of poor minority communities surrounding one big, fat bucolic and smarmy Duke campus. And folks, you’ve got yourself juice.

Predictably, the 24-hour news stations, radio pundits, newspaper columnists, crazed activists, and you name it descended like vultures on the scene. Many of whom festooned the campus and surrounding areas with defaming and slanderous posters and manifestos calling the accused Nazis, sex fiends, Klansman, and monsters. All the while, Nifong and the courts kept the charade up, even when it was obvious to the most empty-headed TV talk show host that the thing was a hoax.

But, hey, as is our custom here, we don’t pin any collateral damage on the media. Sure, the 24-hour news channels and radio bilge-pumpers, even media whores like Jesse Jackson, who saw fit to ignore the time honored Bill of Rights adage and decided guilty until proven innocent was the fashion of the day, can be forgiven. The media exists for one reason, to sell beer and cars and dumb shit you don’t need, not to provide plausible information. For some reason people hold these outlets to higher standards, but even Jackson and his ilk have become such sad parodies by now, the lowest of standards is wasted on them.

Oh, and not shocking either, is the behavior of Duke University, so high and mighty and armed with condescending falderal, the powers that be folded like cheap boy scout tents and decided to cancel the remainder of the lacrosse team’s season. Yes, and then maybe everyone would forget the unconscionable lunacy these idiots had displayed publicly for months prior to the bogus charges. That behavior was tolerable, but being falsely accused is not. In other words, kids, as long as you keep your stripper gangbangs on the down low, then lacrosse yourselves silly.

So after months of complete torture and ridicule and jailing and laughable travesties of justice, the kids are set free and now get to sue everything and everyone in sight. So don’t cry for them. They will get there’s, again and again and again. No human with the last name of Evans, Finnerty or Seligman will ever have to suck ass to get in or pay outrageous tuition for their nifty Duke educations. That is if they want to slum at Duke. When they’re done suing the state of North Carolina, they can buy Harvard and Yale and turn them into competing strip joints.

And Lord knows I don’t need to see some muscle-headed 230-pound goon lacrosse jock asshole whimpering like a schoolgirl because his mommy thought he raped someone. No, it’s true. He did this. Until she heard the news mom was bursting with pride that her baby boy shattered the beer-funnel record while simultaneously snorting coke off the stripper’s tits.

Viva La System!

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