RUMOR ARCHIVE

RUMORED...
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

2000

"Campion can suck my big, fat hairy crack." - Calvin Klein, NYC Fashion Legend (7/26/00)

"James Campion? What a jerk-off." - Bob Denver, T.V's "Gilligan" (8/2/00)

"James Campion can blow me! He owes me fifty bucks for that anal coke bottle stunt." - Adrian Zemed, Actor (8/9/00)

"I am not Georgetown, nor have I ever been Georgetown. Mr. Campion claims that monster worked for me and I think Mr. Campion made him up." - Al D'Amato, former Republican Senator from NY (8/16/00)

"No decent American should buy this book, much less read it!" - Father J. Finucane on fear no art (8/23/00)

"I don't understand James Campion. I don't want to understand James Campion. And I don't want him anywhere near my fucking staff." - Walter Isaacson, Managing Editor for the New York Times (8/30/00)

"I may be a 'major league asshole', but Campion owns world records in that category." - Adam Clymer - NY Times Reporter (9/6/00)

"If I read anything, I'm sure I'd hate James Campion's guts." - Cindy Margolis, Most Downloaded Woman on the Internet (9/13/00)

"Sorry, I'm off the smack. I can't read Campion anymore." - Robert Downey jr., Actor (9/20/00)

"The lyrics to Darling Nikki scarred me for life, what do you think fear no art would do?" - Karenna Gore Schiff, Tipper's little project (9/27/00)

"I've come out of obscurity again to confirm that my religion must demand that James Campion die." -Yusuf Islam, formally singer/songwriter, Cat Stevens (10/4/00)

"My only regret to the tradgedies and the recalls is that Mr. Campion was not injured in some way." -Yoichiro Kaizaki, Bridgestone/Firestone President (10/11/00)

"I happen to love James Campion, but Slim Shady thinks he's a fucking asshole." -Eminem, rapper (10/18/00)

"There is no one here pissed off at James Campion. We don't know what his problem is, nor do we care." -spokesman for Rage Against The Machine (10/25/00)

"This fear no art is unequivocally the sickest collection of thoughts put to paper. But James Campion is cute." - Marin Hinkle, actress (11/1/00)

"Despite his intense hatred for the vice president, and the bizarre results of this election, most of us are fairly sure that James Campion was nowhere near Florida on Election Day." - Bob Butterworth, Florida Attorney General (11/8/00)

"Look, if James Campion has nothing to do with chads I really don't see the need to comment on him or whatever lame excuse there is for bringing him into this mess in the first place."
-Katherine Harris, Florida Secretary of State (11/15/00)

"Tell that bastard Campion to come down here and count these fucking ballots himself if he's so goddamn smart." - Jarred Stinson, Florida handcounter after reading a detailed memo from the Reality Check News & Information Desk regarding the "imbecilic nature of Southern Democrats and the elderly." (11/22/00)

"The best thing about being back on the hard stuff is that I'm able to stomach Campion's stuff again." - Robert Downey jr., Actor (11/29/00)

"I don't understand the controversy. The joke was 'Democrats hoped that O.J. Simpson had murdered James Campion', not Katherine Harris. You see the subtle difference there?" -Bill Mahr, Host of Politically Incorrect (12/6/00)

"I can buy the entire Internet, including this web site, so you can tell Campion he can begin begging anytime." -Alex Rodriguez, $252 Million Dollar Ballplayer (12/13/00)

"James Campion's assessment that 'Christmas is nothing more than a nefarious capitalistic plot conjured up by the rapacious warlords of Macy's during The Great Depression to exploit Christ Our Lord and feed the rich by bilking the guilty out of their meager funds' does not merit rebuttal." -Harold Kahn, CEO of Macy's (12/20/00)

"I would like to see that goddamn ball fall on Campion's stupid fucking head." -Dick Clark, Host of New Year's Rockin' Eve (12/27/00)

2001

"I have formally filed lawsuits against the Catholic Church under James Campion's name and hope to use his work for an excuse to behead Bill Clinton." -Timothy Byrne, schizophrenic recently abducted for attempting a citizen's arrest on the Archbishop of NY. (1/3/01)

"If John Ashcroft is a racist, then James Campion is a genius." -Juleanna Glover Weiss, a spokeswoman for Bush's transition. (1/10/01)

"Let's just say we're not happy with James Campion." -Spokesperson for Governor Christie Todd Whitman. (1/17/01)

"James Campion is the only American citizen not featured on the Super Bowl Pre-Game Show." -Terry Ewert, Executive Producer (1/24/01)

"I am definitely not Georgetown. I don't think I've used the F word since Harvard." -Fred (The Beetle) Barnes, The Weekly Standard (1/31/01)

"We are confident that any tax cut will be benificial to all Americans, except, of course, for that asswipe Campion. We'll be raising his taxes considerably." -Lawrence Lindsey, George Bush's top economic adviser (2/7/01)

"James Campion's assesment that 'Valentine's Day is a brainwashing, capitalist plot run by the Hallmark marketing Gastapo.' is a testament to his inablility to truly love." - Russ Patrick, spokesman for Hallmark (2/14/01)

"Damn, you have no idea how close Campion came to riding shotgun with Dale Earnhardt." - Chris Berman, ESPN Anchor. (2/21/01)

"We have endeavored to subpoena the records of people who donated or pledged $5,000 or more to the Clinton library, which does not include that lunatic Campion, who, we have learned, sent the complete annotated collection of Screw magazine." - Rep. Dan Burton, R-Indiana, chairman of the House Governmental Reform Committee. (2/28/01)

"What I meant to say was that 'James Campion is a white nigger'."
-West Virginia Senator, Robert Byrd. (3/7/01)

"Thanks to the sales of Campion's books we can stay in business another fifteen minutes." -Jeff Bezos CEO and founder of Amazon.com. (2/14/01)

"Foot-and-Mouth Disease is not the same as Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome practiced by James Campion regularly." -Gabor Oolthuis, member of the Dutch Ministry of Agriculture (3/21/01)

"We're so jazzed about hiring Bobby Knight as our head basketball coach, we're considering James Campion to head our English department." -Texas Tech President David Schmidly (3/28/01)

"With no help from that hack, James Campion, after five months of
hard-core reporting, we have finally ascertained that George Bush jr. is president."- Mark Seibel, managing editor of The Miami Herald (4/4/01)

"Our offer to trade James Campion and a bag of oranges for the detained crew sped up the proceedings." - Joseph Prueher, U.S. Ambassador to China (4/11/01)

"I hate James Campion's guts, but I'm not going to talk about that because it will end up on his stupid web site." -Tucker Carlson, co-host of CNN's The Spin Room. (4/18/01)

"Jesus hates James Campion. He's much more fond of mediocre, bench-warming point guards." -Charlie Ward, New York Knicks. (4/25/01)

"Although we appreciate his offer and James Campion certainly is a member, I think it only a detriment that he be involved in these negotiations any way."
- Cheryl Rhoden spokeswoman for the Writer's Guild of America. (5/2/01)

"We're doomed. So I don't think there is any real point in commenting on James Campion." - Spencer Abraham, Energy Secretary. (5/9/01)

"We have made a serious error, because it turns out that 'John Doe No. 2' is James Campion, or at least that's what we're going on presently." - Louis Freeh, FBI Director. (5/16/01)

"I am leaving the Republican party to become an active member of the AAPGF." - James Jeffords, senator from Vermont. (5/23/01)

"Before passing out after a booze-addled binge, I make damn sure I read Campion's crap." - Jenna Bush, first twin daughter. (5/30/01)

"I don't know what the fuss is about. Despite James Campion being the 'Missing Link', I find him charming and cuddly." - Anne Robinson, Host of The Weakest Link. (6/6/01)

"Someone inform Campion that No Nukes went the way of breakdancing." - General George Robertson, NATO Secretary.(6/13/01)

"We'll find a way to implicate James Campion in the mayor's divorce proceedings if it kills us." - Raoul Felder, NYC mayor, Rudolf Giuliani's lawyer. (6/20/01)

"It's true. James Campion paid me to say that he saved my life." - Niki Taylor, Supermodel. (6/27/01)

"Cloning is wrong. And anytime you think of all the medical marvels it can produce, just think of one more James Campion on this planet!" - Richard Doerflinger, member of the National Conference of Catholic Bishops. (7/4/01)

"I'm in the Putnam Bunker." - Chandra Levy, missing intern. (7/11/01)

"If that cheap fuck, James Campion would pick up a check once in awhile then maybe things would be brighter." - Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve Chairman. (7/18/01)

"Yes, James Campion. He's not good." - Jeff Greenfield, CNN. (7/25/01)

"Wow, what a legacy. Twenty years of MTV and twenty years of James Campion not giving a shit." - Van Toffler, president of MTV. (8/1/01)

"Your honor I think you would have to concur that our client is not guilty by reason of insanity. For God's sakes, the woman is as crazy as James Campion." - Attorneys for Andrea Yates, Texas woman accused of murdering her five children. (8/8/01)

"James Campion is an egg-sucking fuck face. Go ahead and print that on the web site." - Greta Van Susteren, Co-Host of CNN's Burden of Proof. (8/15/01)

"If I retire will James Campion cease calling me on a daily basis and making fart noises over the phone?" - Jesse Helms, senator from North Carolina. (8/22/01)

"I believe I can challenge the first amendment with this document."
- Abbe Lowell, congressman, Gary Condit's attorney after reading an advanced copy of jc's recent column. (8/29/01)

"Good riddance to bad trash."- Lois C. Zutell, Town Supervisor of Putnam Valley upon hearing of jc's Labor Day exodus. (9/5/01)

"We are guilty of everything. Very guilty. Basking in guilt. You may say guilt-o-rama."
- Wakeel Ahmed Mutawakel, the foreign minister of Afghanistan's ruling Taliban government. (9/12/01)

"Give me a second, I'm running out of cliches." - George W. Bush, President of the United States. (9/19/01)

"We must kill my agent! We need different video of me! It's the same four clips! What will my ten wives think?" - Osama bin Laden, overtly effeminate Terrorist mastermind. (9/26/01)

"Mayor? I am king!"- Rudolf Giuliani, Our favorite Uncle (next to John B. Martingetti). (10/3/01)

"I categorically deny Mr. Campion's laughable assertions that we are 'taking a bath on property insurance in Afghanistan.'"
- Edward M. Liddy, Chairman, President and CEO The Allstate Corporation . (10/10/01)

"Infected with Anthrax? No, I told Dan I was a big fan of the band, Anthrax. He's a little out of touch." - Assistant to Dan Rather, CBS News. 10/17/01

"I'm a self-loathing midget sportswriter with a preternatural hate obsession with Yankees fans. So I think my thoughts on Campion speaks for itself." - Mike Lupica, Sports columnist for NY Daily News. (10/24/01)

"Anything with James Campion's name on it is banned from the 'Oprah Book of the Month Club' in perpetuity." - Oprah Winfrey, Media Mogul. (10/31/01)

"Fuck James Campion."- Mark Green, defeated NYC mayoral candidate. (11/7/01)

"We're sorry. Only kidding. You can have Osama whats-his-name. Take his mother, his wives, here take my wife. We hate Allah, it was all a joke. Funny, huh? Go Yankee!"
- spokesman for Taliban. (11/14/01)

"We, and Macy's have decided that it would be better to not have a parade at all than allow James Campion to be considered as a candidate." - representitive for the Grand Marshall association. (11/21/01)

"If I say I like James Campion does it keep me out of prison?" - Paul Ruebens aka Pee Wee Herman. (11/28/01)

"The turning point in my ex-patriotism was reading Deep Tank Jersey." - American Taliban member, John Walker Lindh. (12/5/01)

"I think James Campion is adorable. I find stupid men extremely attractive." - Tina Fey, SNL Weekend Update anchor. (12/12/01)

"I believe the level of fan dedication is based on the asshole to human ratio. In Cleveland we're running an 8 to 2." - Carmen Policy, Cleveland Browns president. (12/19/01)

"Someone please pay attention to me and my penis, my God's penis, and any penis of my brothers in arms. We need attention to be paid immediately...to the penises."
- Mohammed Jassim al-Ali, Al-Jazeera's managing director. (12/26/01)

2002

"It's important that everyone realize this whole Afghanistan conflict is about me."
- Geraldo Rivera, FOX News reporter. (1/2/02)

"I killed Buddy." - Newt Gingrich, former speaker of the house, on the death of the Clinotn's pooch. (1/9/02)

"I swear to God I thought I was just shredding my copy of Fear No Art." - David Duncan, who oversaw Enron's audits from the Houston office of Arthur Andersen LLP. (1/16/02)

"I would eat Campion's children, but I have no taste for cats." - Mike Tyson, ex-con and boxing thug. (1/23/02)

"I was framed. Wanna buy a tee shirt?" - Winona Ryder, actress and kleptomaniac. (1/30/02)

"James Campion is the poster boy for guilt." - TV's "Judge Judy" Sheindlin. (2/6/02)

"Allah, bin Laden, Enron, Campion; feel free to blame it on anyone but him." - Attorney for John Walker Lindh, accused American Taliban fighter. (2/13/02)

"I can't tell you where I go on weekends, but I can tell where I ain't, and its anywhere near here." - Mike Bloomberg, Mayor of NYC. (2/20/02)

"I fear for Campion's wife."- Dr. Phil McGraw, relationship guru. (2/27/02)

"I will take CBS' money if someone kills that little runt, Campion."
- David Letterman, funny guy. (3/6/02)

"No Campions were hurt during negotiations with Mr. Letterman." - Leslie Moonves, Ceo of CBS television. (3/13/02)

"Child abuse is not condoned by the Catholic church. Sex is not our style, just bloody conquest and virulent judgment." - Cardinal Edward Egan, Archbishop of New York . (3/20/02)

"Get out of my way, I'm Rosa Parks!"- Halle Berry, African American Best Actress. (3/27/02)

"I cannot comment on the YES Network bullshit while I'm busy feeding on the freshly severed intestines of this aborted fetus." - Charles Dolan, Chairman of Cablevision Systems. (4/03/02)

"I am so fucking wasted right now." - Mike Bloomberg, Mayor of NYC. (4/10/02)

"There's super-stinking, crazy rich, and then there's me."- George Lucas, Mr. Star Wars. (4/24/02)

"Why are we wasting everyone's time. I'm a rich, famous, black sports star?"- Jayson Williams, indicted for manslaughter. (5/1/02)

"Fuckin' A! " - Stan Lee, Creator of Spiderman & our hero! (5/8/02)

"We need peace, understanding and a handle on human rights, but mostly we need to get James Campion a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars."
- Former President, Jimmy Carter on his controversial trip to Cuba. (5/15/02)

"Of course I'm guilty. I'm a Southerner with three names." - Bobby Frank Cherry, murdering Klansman. (5/22/02)

"It's odd, but George Bush is president and I'm still here." - Alec Baldwin actor and lying dipshit.(5/29/02)

"Blashe blabl engsd, tofgh arble tichyshle ferfble gobske." - Ozzy Osbourne, Televsion Star. (6/5/02)

"Whoops." - Terry Barton, allegedly staged an abandoned campfire that led to the worst wildfire in Colorado history. (6/19/02)

"We believe that inebriated pilots actually add to the enjoyment of the flights for everyone." - Laura Brown, FAA spokeswoman commenting on America West pilots charged with working flying drunk.(7/3/02)

"This just in, if you pay attention to your children and do a little parenting, they won't be drugged-out, brainwashed, oft-molested killers. How about that?"
- Spokesman for 2001-02 Pride Survey. (7/17/02)

"Caught on camera buying coke? I'm finally qualified to be president!"
- Al Sharpton, Activist and Party Guy. (7/24/02)

"James Campion is a puny, toxic, dime-store instigator, and his columns are a fucking testament to the degeneration of morals in this country. But you didn't hear me say any of that. I need a job."
- Ann H. Coulter, conservative author and columnist. (7/31/02)

"Look out! Satan comin' through!"
- Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball. (8/7/02)

"Is exploitation an American word?"- Anna Nicole Smith, America's Newest Freak. (8/14/02)

"WOW, we've been canned!"- Opie & Anthony, wacky ex-radio types. (8/21/02)

"We are ready to discuss UN arms inspectors. We are also willing to discuss the weight of air and our favorite teen singing sensation, but I don't know what the hell any of it means, really?" - Tariq Aziz, Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister, . (9/4/02)

"I am one keen-thinking, insider-training Machiavellian bitch."
- Martha Stewart, alleged shyster. (9/11/02)

"James Campion? Jesus, I'm too big to comment on him."- Paula Zahn, sexy CNN anchor. (9/25/02)

"I wish to thank Governor Jim McGreevy for the boot mark on my ass."
- NJ Senator, Bob Torricelli after quitting his embattled campaign. (10/2/02)

"I really don't have anything pertinent to say about James Campion or pretty much anything. I'm just an idiot."
- Rick Rielly, Overrated Sportswriter. (10/9/02)

"Let's face it, I'm the world's best Gun Control lobbyist."
- Maryland Sniper. (10/16/02)

"I think I proved quite convincingly in the 1984 presidential election that I could win Minnesota." - Walter Mondale, former Vice President, monumental campaign loser and current Senatorial candidate.(10/30/02)

"The dingles hanging from the space in my crotch from the vagina to my ass crack has more knowledge and insight of politics than James Campion."- Judy Woodruff, CNN political anchor.(11/6/02)

"I fool you once, shame on me. I fool you twice, shame on you. I fool you like thirty times, there is some dumb fucks running this whole 'weapons inspection' farce."- Saddam Hussein, the new Castro. (11/13/02)

"Man-o-man, I am one crazy motherfucker!"- Michael Jackson, celebrity freak boy. (12/4/02)

"We're looking for what now?"- UN Weapons Inspector. (12/11/02)

"I am certainly sorry for my offhand comments during that drunken rant at that bag o' bones, Thurman's funeral, er - I mean - birthday party, but what I meant to say is things would've worked out better in this country had the Confederacy won the Civil War. Hope that clears things up for ya."- Trent Lott, Senate Majority Leader and political dead man. (12/18/02)

"We are not fond of the U.S."- Kim Il-chol, North Korean Defense Minister. (12/25/02)

2003

"Our extensive studies on the positive effects of alcohol on the human heart conclude that Ted Kennedy is the healthiest man on the planet."
- Dr. Kenneth Mukamal of Harvard University Medical School. (1/8/03)

"I'm dying to have Campion on my show and attempt to extracate his head from his ass for laughs."
- Jimmy Kimmel, flavor of the month. (1/29/03)

"Blah blah blah blah blah, I am more active in death than Elvis."
- Osama bin Laden, dead icon and Prenagon shill. (2/12/03)

" I'm having the baby at Fort Vernon, and that's it."- Laci Peterson, missing since December. (2/19/03)

"This idea that I interviewed Saddam Hussein for the ratings, is absurd. I did it to sink a poison dart into his chest cavity, but he so mesmerized me with those alluring desert eyes, I was too stunned to act."
- Dan Rather, CBS Nightly News Anchor. (2/26/03)

"There is absolutely no credibility to the theory that anyone who pays to see Great White deserves to die."
- Brian Cunha, attorney representing one of the victims of the Rhode Island nightclub fire. (3/3/03)

"We shall never let America forget the tradgedy of Euro-Disney."
- Jean-Pierre Raffarin, French Prime minister, when asked about vetoing UN Resolution to invade Iraq. (3/12/03)

"We have to remain in contact with our audience, because the finals of Iraqi Idol is in its critical stage."
- Spokesman for recently bombed and then resurrected Iraqi TV. (3/26/03)

"No armies are in Baghdad. We are winning. The American infidels are on the run and dying like dogs. Soon our beloved leader, what's-his-face will be dancing on their shallow graves and every camel will have a two-car garage." - Iraqi Ministry of Information. (4/9/03)

"I promise, Syria will be it."
- Geroge W. Bush, overly giddy president of the United States. (4/16/03)

"I can survive a lame fuck like James Campion calling me "a gutless phony" for pulling my latest video out of fear that what little of the gravy train ride I have remaining will not be spent fending off brutish patriotic thugs calling me an anti-American swine."
- Maddona, weakest example of a true artist to date. (4/30/03)

"I read Campion's comments on the media coverage of the Iraqi War and felt if most of it was bullshit, I'd try and join in. Who knew?"
- Jayson Blair, sacked NY Times Reporter busted for lying in print. (5/14/03)

"An Orange alert means that every time we're supposed to be doing our job - that is protecting this nation's borders - we'll have you worry about it. Then if nothing happens we'll take the credit for the fancy warning, and if something does, we'll say we told you so." -Tom Ridge, Homeland Security Secretary and professional con man. (5/21/03)

"How come my hatred of Campion never makes it onto that goddamn web site of his."
-Jimmy Kimmel, professional ass. (5/28/03)

"We believe that revelations that the former first lady was "shocked and angered" by her husband's treatment of her like a dime-store street walker and some grinning rag doll was well worth an $8 million advance." - spokesman for Simon & Schuster. (6/4/03)

"James Campion wishes." - J.K. Rowling, very rich scribe. (6/25/03)

"What the fuck do I know about any constitution? I'm the friggin' governor of Jersey."
- Jim McGreevey, head witch hunter of Amiri Baraka, poet laureate of New Jersey. (7/2/03)

"Man, if I wasn't rich and famous, I might be in for serious justice."
- Kobe Bryant, another basketball superstar accused of rape. (7/23/03)

"There's a time for healing, and there's a time for shackling sick mother fuckers who diddle little boys to a post in the town square."
- Sean Patrick O'Malley, Roman Catholic archbishop of Boston. (7/30/03)

"I will leave office when there's a gay Episcopalian Bishop! What?" - Charles Taylor, president of Liberia. (8/6/03)

"I will seek vengeance on the budget and wreak havoc on bureaucracy, smoke a bone and have some cheese." - Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie star, pot head, California gubernatorial candidate.(8/13/03)

"I have nothing interesting to say, and I can't figure out why anyone would want to hear it. Yet, interestingly enough, they do."
- J-Lo, annoying celebrity. (9/10/03)

"I get all hot and bothered standing in a hurricane for my job." - The weatherman formerly known as Fat Al Roker. (9/17/03)

"Donavan McNabb? You should hear what I think about the overrating of Martin Luther King, Miles Davis and Iman?"- Rush Limbaugh, performing chimp. (10/2/03)

"I'm in love with James Campion, but alas, he's married."- Natalie Morales, MSNBC news anchor. (10/9/03)

"Somebody get me a fucking sandwich." - David Blaine, magician, faster, idiot. (10/22/03)

"Ms. Minelli is considering Mr. Campion's offer to represent him in his future literary negotiations." - Spokesman for Liza Minelli, drunken, feisty songstress turned literary agent. (10/29/03)

"We're gutless, we've always been gutless, and we'll continue to cash paychecks in the same stalwart gutless manner our sponsors and our viewers expect from a network that would commission a film about The Gipper and then pull it in a gutless fashion reminiscent of our proud gutlessness."- Spokesman for CBS Chairman, Leslie Moonves.(11/5/03)

"I'll defend anyone or anything that is famous or rich and looks verrrrrry guilty."
- Mark Geragos, Attorney at Large. (11/26/03)

"Fuck Jagger, fuck the Queen, and while you're at it, fuck Campion."
- Sir Keith Richards, Coolest Guy on the Planet. (12/3/03)

"I'm stupid."
- Bill O'Rielly, Stupid Guy. (12/17/03)

"Look at me, I'm famous for being famous." - Paris Hilton, The New Zsa Zsa Gabor (12/31/03)

2004

"Moon, Mars, whatever. Please someone pay attention to us; no, wait, fuck that, give us money. Lots of money." - Spokesman for NASA (1/14/04)

"Oooooooooh ahhhhhhh eeehhhhhhh yeeeeehaaaaa!!" - Howard Dean, Insane Presidential Candiate. (1/14/04)

"My final proposal to the campaign was to get me as far away from it as possible."
- Joseph Trippi former Dean campagin manager. (1/28/04)

"It's an old industry adage; 'bare right tit equals record sales.'" - Janey Jackson, Super Bowl Stripper. (2/4/04)

"Look, Saddam Hussein was mean, he's a madman, there were chickens in the coop, the eagle had landed, whatever you want to hear.'"
- Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser on the absence of WMD's. (2/11/04)

"We're working hard everyday to increase the suicide rate in Boston, and if a few Mets fans jump on board, that's an extra perk of the job."
- George Steinbrenner, sadistically mad genius owner of the New York Yankees. (2/18/04)

"Coming in second all the time warms me up for the vice presidency." - Senator, John Edwards, perennial primary bride's maid. (2/25/04)

"We felt coming off the lovable goofball routine of the talk show host, it would benefit Rosie to change her image to spit-angry dyke."
- publicity spokesman for Rosie O'Donnell. (3/3/04)

"If we can rig an election in Spain, then maybe we can finally get the Red Sox over the hump."
- spokesman for al Qaeda. (3/17/04)

"Revolution? Lingerie? What's the difference?" - Victoria Secret Pitchman, Bob Dylan. (4/7/04)

"It's important to point out that 9/11 was anyone's fault but mine. Did I mention anyone? Right. Good."- Attorney General, John Ashcroft. (4/7/04)

"The president got up from his chair, turned to Colin Powel and said, 'I have to use the bathroom.' The room grew silent. What would he do? Number one or number two?"
- master storyteller of the banal anecdote, Bob Woodward. (4/21/04)

"Our aim was to help the Iraqis become more Americanized by pitching a provocative video called 'Prisoners Gone Wild'. We never thought it would be an international incident. Haven't these people ever heard of Paris Hilton?"
- spokesman for British Army regarding controversial, but sassy, prisoner abuse scandal. (5/5/04)

"I will resign only when I cannot conduct my duties to the best of my ability, or if I'm queering this re-election." - embattled Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. (5/12/04)

"What are you kidding? The last person named Gndhi with any influence around here got a bullet in his chest."
- Sonia Gandhi, when asked to seek the post of prime minister of India. (5/12/04)

"My goal with this tour is to combine Kabbala with stripping and hip-hop."
- Madonna, aging yuppie singer. (5/26/04)

"Let's face it, I quit a long time ago." - George Tenet, former Director of the CIA. (6/2/04)

"Our continuing live 'round the clock coverage of President Reagan's casket will run through August. We plan to put an automated camera at the gravesite."
- spokesman for FOX NEWS. (6/9/04)

"Forget everything I said about John Kerry for three months and vote for us!"
- John Edwards, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate. (7/7/04)

"As far as pop culture and hipness is concerned, I think James Campion is an asshole."
- Anderson Cooper, CNN host of something or other. (7/14/04)

"If anyone knows George Bush is a liar, I surely do! Right, Tawana!"
- Reverend Con-Man, Al Sharpton. (7/28/04)

"We expect oil prices to rise so high by summer's end, even Michael Moore and Janeane Garofalo will want to bomb arabs."
- Spokesman for OPEC. (8/4/04)

"Chances are I won't suck as hard as the last guy."
- Porter Goss, newly appointed CIA Director. (8/11/04)

"I have no idea what the fuck is going on with this god-awful, crash-and-burn bullshit. Why doesn't everyone listen to Jesus and sell everything you own and walk around starving. That will help out." - Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. (8/18/04)

"Honestly, how bad do I suck at this? Really. I'm just god-awful. "
- John McEnroe, talk show host? (8/23/04)

"We believe the timing of Mr. Clinton's heart bypass surgery with the president's acceptance speech last night is merely coincidental."
-Spokesman for Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. (9/1/04)

"I made 'em, I can ruin 'em."
-George Lucas, creator of damaged Star Wars franchise, which debuts long-awaited original trilogy on dvd this week. (9/15/04)

"I'm not the first guy to think these hurricanes are from a vengeful God, but for what?"
-Jeb Bush, corrupt governor of Florida. (9/29/04)

"I'm so wasted, I...How much do I have to pay the Dolphins? Uh...what's in this shit?"
-Rickey Williams, burn out football player. (10/6/04)

"I was willing to go out on any mission, George Bush and Dick Cheney joined."
-Spc. Major Coates, reservist who refused military suicide mission in Iraq. (10/20/04)

"380 tons of sophisticated explosives? Were we supposed to be in charge of that?"
- Pentagon Spokesman. (10/27/04)

"No comment. " - Mayor of Fallujah. (11/10/04)

"As my favorite philosopher James Campion once wrote; "Sometimes people need beatings." - Ron Artest, NBA Security Force. (11/17/04)

"I thought my head grew two sizes from exercise and vitamins." - Barry Bonds, King of Steroids. (12/8/04)

"I'm friggin' tired." - Santa Claus. (12/22/04)

"Man, am I a fuck up." - Embattled House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. (12/29/04)

2005

"What do you expect? I'm crazy rich, bloated with ridiculous ego, and barely 20. I would expect the rest of you would be dead by now."
- Prince Harry, Nazi Impersonator. (1/5/05)

"'Passion of the Christ' didn't get nominated for an Oscar because it was overtly Christian. Basically, it sucked." - Frank Pierson, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. (1/25/05)

"Me, me, me, me, God, me, me, me, football, me, me, God and football, me me, and, of course, me." - Terrell Owens, this year's Super Bowl blowhard. (2/2/05)

"Thanks, I'll be glad to hang around and deny any personal responsibility for more screw ups." - Condoleezza Rice, Newest Secretary of State and Non-Culpability Poster Girl (2/9/05)

"Next will be death to anyone sporting a mullett." - Del. Algie T. Howell, sponsor of Virginia's House of Delegates bill authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a "lewd or indecent manner." (2/16/05)

"Everyone is a racist and a liar, now forget I'm juiced to the tits and let's play ball!"
- Barry Bonds, Chronic Steroid User and Professional Asshole. (2/23/05)

"It's funny, although Campion's name was in the Sidekick, no one posted a fucking thing about him on the Internet." - Paris Hilton, blonde dipshit. (3/2/05)

"I AM a drug, so what?" - Mark McGwire, shitty liar. (3/16/05)

"Can I kill my husband?" - Terri Schiavo, mentally challenged political football. (3/23/05)

"My first order of business is to start bombing something." - Paul Wolfowitz, President of the World Bank. (3/30/05)

"Hey, I love gays, I may even be gay, for all I know, but sorry, they ain't in."
- Benedict XVI , The New Pope. (4/13/05)

"Go fuck yourself, war boy."
- Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah to President Bush's request for oil price sanity. (4/20/05)

"Tell me none of this makes sense to you." - Jennifer Wilbanks, runaway bride, not kidnap victim.(5/4/05).

"Yeah, this one sucks too. Now stop bothering me while I count my money."
- George Lucas, architect of Star Wars rip-off. (5/11/05)

"I'd like to kick Campion's ass for the laughs." - Brittany Murphy, cool actress. (5/18/05)

"I also killed JFK." - W. Mark Felt, the twentieth Deep Throat candidate. (5/25/05)

"I love Kobe. You'd love Kobe too if they paid you this much money."
- Phil Jackson, newest retread LA Lakers coach. (6/16/05)

"Yahoo! We're a target!"
- Tony Blair, British Prime Minister upon learning London had been awarded the 2012 Olympics. (7/6/05)

"I'm positive that I'm pretty sure that I cannot comment on what I am sure is surely not a certainty beyond a credible doubt." - Scott McClellan,White House press secretary on just about anything. (7/13/05)

"We will fire any criminals in this administration, except war criminals, of course. Let's be serious here. There would be no one left to run things." - President George W. Bush. (7/20/05)

"Man, do we suck at this." - Spokesman for NASA on latest Space shuttle Discovery screw-ups. (7/27/05)

"Get out. Basically, get out. You don't like it, get out. You like it, but are not sure you like the idea of someone else not liking it, get out. And...right. Get out."
- Tony Blair, British Prime Minister. (8/10/05)

"Does having a fish ride a bicycle give you an indication of where we are here?"
- Iraqi Parliament Spokesman. (8/17/05)

"I hate the poor." - Barbara Bush, asshole. (9/14/05)

"I don't understand how a healthy, robust looking person such as myself could be mistaken for a coke fiend." - Kate Moss, Super Model. (9/21/05)

"Nobody could high ball a six pack quite like Harry." - President George W. Bush on why he tapped seemingly underqualified Harriet Miers as Supreme Court nominee. (10/12/05)

"Constitution or no constitution, we're screwed." - Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari. (10/12/05)

"I'm not willing to admit to being ultra-concervative, but I do think the cavemen had it right." - Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito. (11/2/05)

"I absolutely refuse to be one of those celebrity types to call James Campion an asshole and then it ends up in the Quote Page on his site. Okay?"
- Daily Show host, Jon Stewart. (11/9/05)

"I figured picking my ass was taken." - Most Useless Man on the Planet and Saddam Hussein's lawyer, Ramsey Clark. (12/14/05)

"People are shot for less in Manhattan." - New York City Transit spokesman James Anyansi on December shut down of world's largest transit system. (12/21/05)

"My move to pay radio is a salvo against the FCC and a tribute to the power and survival of the first amendment. That, and the $500 million."
- Millionaire Showman, Howard Stern. (12/28/05)

2006

"Who in the world has enough time to investigate all this shit?"
- House ethics committee spokesman on the litany of bribes, kickbacks, and lobbyist cash laundering in Congress. (2/1/06)

"We nearly burned down the American embassy in Syria for a questionable Dilbert strip."
- Humor-challenged anonymous Islamic extremist. (2/8/06)

"Now you know why Dick Cheney had a dozen army deferments."
- Harry Whittington, victim of first shooting by a sitting vice president since Aaron Burr in 1804. (2/15/06)

"To hell with gold medals, I want James Campion." - Sasha Cohen, adorable American figure skater. (2/22/06)

"I'm who, now?" - Lewis "Scooter" Libby, on his "I forgot" defense. (3/8/06)

"If it would please the court, would someone please just end this madness and put a bullet in my wildly guilty head!"
- Saddam Hussein during his needlessly costly and farcical trial. (3/15/06)

"We are not so tolerant after all...get out!!!!!!!!"
- Mark Leno, San Francisco Assemblyman to Christian protestors of Gat Marriage. (3/29/06)

"Okay, so I'm an idiot. Now leave me alone, except to watch my movies and pay attention to my beard...er...my wife."- Tom Cruise, idiot. (4/12/06)

"Maybe there's still a chance I can avoid hell altogether and sneak into Purgatory if I quit now." - Scott McClellan, White House press secretary, upon announcing his resignation. (4/19/06)

"Eat shit, suckers!" - Rex W. Tillerson, ExxonMobil Chairman and CEO. (4/26/06)

"I did not suffer brain damage from no fall! My gray matter has survived tons of hard drugs, gallons of hard booze, fogs of cigarette smoke, and cell-burning voolume. My brain could eat your brain for brunch, bitch."
- Keith Richards, self-abuse pro and guitarist non-parellel after suffering a concussion falling while on holiday in Fiji. (5/10/06)

"We don't care if the Da Vinci Code is any good. Which way to the bank?"
- Sony Pictures spokesman. (5/17/06)

"Let's hurry up and negotiate a pact before Isreal blows us off the map!"
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran. (5/24/06)

"We feel the rash of prisoner suicides at Guantanamo Bay is part of a humane effort to allow captives to make their own decisions on either sticking around or buying into the More Food For The Rest progam."
- UN Human Rights Expert. (5/31/06)

"My inability to see the ironic nature of my asinine argument against burning the American flag as a symbol of freedom and the very act of burning the flag as an act of freedom is staggering."
- Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter, R-Pa. (6/28/06)

"Look out, cause here we come." - Spokesman for Israeli Defense Force. (7/12/06)

"If it weren't for the NY Post, everyone would have assumed I was dead."
- Christie Brinkley, after a dozen front-page stories on her non-divorce divorce. (7/26/06)

"So? I'm a drunken Jew hater. At least my misfortune proves that there's a God"
- Mel Gibson, drunken Jew hater. (8/2/06)

"We'll make sure Hezbollah goes to sleep without any dinner. Disarming them is another kettle of carp." - Ghazi Aridi, Lebanese Information Minister. (8/16/06)

"I am a predator. Most species would have eradicated me long ago, but I've been having sex with little girls for years in Bangkok, and now I probably won't have my balls cut off and jammed down my throat. Pity."- John Mark Karr, who may or may not have killed JonBenet Ramsey, but definitely likes little girls. (8/23/06)

"Look, we're all saddened by the untimely death of Steve Irwin, Animal Planet's Crocodile Hunter. But let's face it, was anyone really shocked?"
- Spokesman for Discovery Communications, Inc. (9/6/06)

"Fuck Islam! Jesus rules!"- Pope Benedict XVI. (9/20/06)

"So, I like young boys? It's an occupational hazard!"- Florida Rep. Mark Foley, Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. (9/27/06)

"Seriously, name three movies I'm not in." - Scarlett Johansson,actress. (10/11/06)

"How do you think giving up 20 runs in 20 previous post-season innings turns into 23 scoreless post-season innings if I don't cheat?"
- Kenny Rogers, Detroit Tigers pitcher after being caught with pine tar on his hands on national television during World Series. (10/25/06)

"I've met James Campion, and he's no James Campion."
- Steven Colbert, Colbert Report. (11/1/06)

"I shall gnaw on the bones of the fallen, make my bed on their innards, and drink from the empty skull of my enemy." - Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of The House Elect. (11/8/06)

"Things are not good." - Sage advice from James A. Baker III., Baker-Hamilton Iraq Study Group to president this week. (11/15/06)

"I am not, nor have ever been a racist. Niggers are just like everyone else, even that fucking kike, Seinfeld" - Michael Richards, aka KKKramer. (11/22/06)

"Go fuck yourselves." - Santa Claus. (12/6/06)

"Will someone please pay attention to me every minute of every day?"
- Rosie O’Donnell, fat fuck. (12/13/06)

2007

"I like how the kids on YouTube set it to goofy music and made him dance."
- Saddam Hussein execution videographer. (1/3/07)

"Poor me, poor me...pour me another drink." - Britney Spears, lightweight drinker. (1/10/07)

"Yeah, well..um..okay, thanks for the memories, I'm gone."
- Michael B. Nifong, District Attorney for Durham County, NC after resigning from his laughably doomed "rape case" against Duke Lacross Team cretins. (1/17/07)

"Let's begin a dialogue, as long as it ends with me being president."
- Senator Rodham, announcing her candidacy for president. (1/31/07)

"I dig pussy." - Reverend Ted Haggard, formerly really gay holy troller after three weeks of "rehab". (2/7/07)

"I'm still dead!" - Anna Nicole Smith, deceased celebrity from the grave. (2/14/07)

"An affordable and friendly way to starve to death on the runway!" - Jet Blue's newest slogan. (2/21/07)

"Hey, it's better than dying in a ditch in the desert halfway across the globe, no?"
- Pentagon Spokesman on horrific conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. (3/7/07)

"The Attorney General's office should have little to nothing to do with the law."
- Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General. (3/14/07)

"We're just doing our part to weed out the stupid pets who chow down on tainted morsels."
- spokesman for Menu Foods following rash of pet deaths due to rat poised food. (3/28/07)

"I forgot to mention I snorted my father's ashes mixed with a little coke off of my 85 year-old mother's tits while beating an infant with its rotted placenta and lighting kittens on fire with a buring Bible." - Keith Richards, Christian. (4/4/07)

"We regret to show you these exploitive, twisted words, pictures and artwork from the Virginia Tech mass murderer, but crank up the TIVO, here we go!"
- Brian Williams , Suck-Ass Phony NBC News Anchor. (4/18/07)

"We've got nothing and we intend to use it!" - Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader on congress fighting president over Iraq strategy. (4/25/07)

"When I said 'Slam Dunk' to the president, it was not the exclamatory statement it seems, like 'Dead on!' or 'Full House!' or 'Safe as milk!', so much as it's an expression of good will with a smattering of trepidation, and...Jesus, I'm full of shit."
- George Tenet, stupendous failure as CIA Director. (5/9/07)

"Sorry it took so long." - God,on killing Jerry Falwell. (5/16/07)

"Prison? Is that like a new, hip Hollywood club?" - Paris Hitlon, jailbird. (5/30/07)

"Hey, I gave you nothing, but it's better than nothing. Think about it. Deep."
- David Chase, Mr. Soprano on series final episode. (6/13/07)

"Here's one for ya to chew on: I just told the world a documentary filmmaker should be imprisoned for his work. Yikes!" - Fred Thompson, yet another actor/presidential prospect. (6/20/07)

"It's not so much what the definition of 'is' is, as it is the definition of what his office is."
- Vice President Dick Cheney's mouthpiece. (6/27/07)

"I'm a fucking moron who has never read anything, but studied a thesaurus so everyone might be impressed with my uniformed goofy shit."
- Keith Obermann, performing seal and personal promotional manager for Bill O'Reilly. (7/4/07)

"I'm an Italian girl from New Jersey, so if you continue to fuck with me, the next photo session will be of you assholes sinking to the bottom of the East River in cement shorts."
- Amy Polumbo, Miss New Jersey. (7/11/07)

"Look, I'm a fucking idiot with his head in the sand. I'm the perfect candidate."
- Duncan Hunter, Presidential Candidate. (7/25/07)

"I wish they would just suspend me for the season already, so I can get back to massacring pets." - Michael Vick, QB, pet-killer. (8/8/07)

"After I spent a year erroneously telling everyone the Duke LaCross player were guilty as sin, I wrote a book accusing others of murder. My next project is to back the Flat Earth movement." - Rita Cosby, author of "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death". (9/5/07)

"Of course we cheat. How do you think you win all those Super Bowls? Genius? Talent? Heart? Those are bullshit terms whipped up by you people. We cheat in the NFL."
- Bill Belichick, head coach and championship cheater. (9/19/07)

"I believe it is important that the president be a Christian and a dumb fuck, which is why I am running." - John McCain, Dumb Fuck. (10/3/07)

"ZZZZZZZZZZZ." - Fred Thompson, Bored Presidential Candidate. (10/10/07)

"Let's just bomb every country until we're completely broke and there is nothing left on the planet. I'm going to be dead soon anyway."
- Dick Cheney, dying Vice President. (10/24/07)

"I propose amnesty for all state prisoners." - Eliot Spitzer, NY Governor. (10/24/07)

"We have the full support on James Campion, as long as he has Simpsons to watch."
- Writers Guild Of America spokesman. (11/14/07)

2008

"I have issues." - Britney Spears, crazyperson. (2/20/08)

"Please, someone pay attention to me! Forget John McCain, presidential poltics, and everything goddamn thing else and pay attention to me, me, me, me, me!"
- Bill Cunningham, radio dipshit. (2/27/08)

"What I meant to say is with Aids in America...um...but..I really wanted to on the KKK point, and...uh, well...in the case of goddamning America, I...okay, fuck it, I hate white people."
- Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Trinity United Church Of Christ & Yelling. (3/26/08)

"We here at Guitar Center aim to sell used, broken equipment to as many people as humanly possible. And if you don't like it fuck off."
- Representative For Guitar Center - Rip-Off to the Unwashed. (4/9/08)

"We are pleased that never in Olympic history has our torch been the subject of so much attention." - Hein Verbruggen, Chairman of the 2008 Olympic Coordination Commission. (4/16/08)

"James Campion is a stupid idiot." -