Aquarian Weekly 11/7/07
REALITY CHECK

EXPATRIATE WINDFALL
How Renouncing Your Citizenship Can Save You Big $

Good news for smart people.

Before the Democrats take over and tax us silly in a veiled attempt at yanking this country out of the fiscal sinkhole the Bush lunatics have dug us, the comedy team of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and the Homeland Security Department have offered an out. As of December of this year, all breathing humans, legal, illegal or otherwise will be able to procure a driver's license in the Empire State, joining Arizona, Vermont and Washington as the latest sanctuary for tax evasion.

This means a binding identification to work, bank and the undeniably powerful access to mobility all in one fell swoop; simultaneously subverting the privilege of citizenry while rendering the burden to pay taxes obsolete.

And to think I wasted two years trying to secede from the union, when all I had to do is renounce citizenship and still receive all the police protection, fire department assistance, and several other civic amenities I stupidly pay for currently. Now I'll simply pony up property tax to the state government and gleefully tell the feds to take their crazed warmongering and international nation building and those pork-addled entitlements handed to lazy-ass senior citizens and unemployed crack-baby machines and shove them all.

You have to love the Bush Administration. It will not take no for an answer. The president wanted full amnesty for illegal aliens and was rebuffed with extreme prejudice by a whopping majority of the American people and a surprisingly uncooperative congress. So what? You think a man who joined the National Guard and never showed up could be denied? You think a man who inhaled mounds of cocaine for two decades could not co-opt Jesus into high-profile political gigs? You think a president sitting on the lowest approval ratings since Nero wouldn't start bombing Iran tomorrow?

Bush is a competitor. Yee-Ha! If we know nothing else about Captain Shoo-In, we know that much. Junior gets what Junior wants, and I applaud him for it. Hey, you never know, soon whatever is left of your Social Security will be riding on the mercurial vagaries of the stock market, Bubba.

His partner in this caper, Eliot Spitzer, is an elitist bully, who placates the insurance lobbies in their raping of the middle class while selling the unfathomable idea that unleashing criminals onto our byways will lower rates. By denying the poor their tax-free earnings and pulling illegal aliens from their blessed invisible freedoms into our shackled tax burdens, he has become the uber-liberal bogeyman.

But none of the above is our concern any longer.

It is a new dawn. The Wild West has returned, and rather than decry it like the last angry fossil, it is time to embrace change, strap on the helmet, and cash in.

Issuing formal IDs and handing privileged licenses to lure harbored criminals "out of the shadows" is just the beginning. This is a new age. Legitimate citizenry is for suckers. What do you need to be an American citizen for? So you can vote? Choose from the line-up of drooling troglodytes we're presented each year? Keep it. Not being a citizen means not having to send your kids to be mutilated in the desert for the next half century so the fat chick next door can drive her Hummer down to the Atlantic & Pacific for chocolate slathered grease balls. Next to hailing from the People's Republic of China, what better financial future could you provide the little shit-bags?

It's easy as sin to renounce citizenship. Go to any federal building and ask about where one can change the "status of citizenry". If they ask where you will be living, tell them to deal with your ACLU attorney. Those are easy to get. Since the moment I took the helm here at The Desk I have them on speed-dial.

Once you are an expatriate, move to New York and join the one million "illegals" joyfully roaming untouched. Immediately apply for a nifty Level-Three license. Use it to open a bank account at Citibank, Bank One, or the nearly 40 financial institutions that regularly serve illegal aliens. You can then apply for a credit card from dozens of lending institutions that do so without requesting a single Social Security digit.

Now you're riding the crest of the new wave.

From here getting further phony documentation is easy. Go online. For less than a grand you can have anything you need to bolster your new or old identity.

It is best to next weasel into a big company job. Big companies fight like hell to keep you working. And they rarely pay "on the record", which keeps things neat and clean.

Let's face it; being a non-person person is living the dream. Standing for nothing and everything at once. Responsible or accountable for nothing and receiving all there is to receive.

The American Dream.

Reality Check | Pop Culture | Politics | Sports | Music