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Aquarian
Weekly 7/30/03
REALITY CHECK
TWO-DIMENSIONAL
KOBE
 Kobe
Bryant is not going to jail.
Innocent
or guilty, matters not. The rich and famous don't go to jail.
Let that read the rich and famous who are worth a great deal of
scratch to the not-so famous rich and their public concerns. Kobe
Bryant falls into that category big time, thus he is not going
to jail.
The
merely rich, but not famous, who lord over doomed corporate malfeasance
like Enron go to jail. Some of the rich and famous go to jail
for short periods of time like Robert Downey Jr. and Mike Tyson,
but that is usually when there isn't too much more money that
can be made to warrant keeping them free. Politicians don't go
to jail either. And even if they happen to stumble in there by
mistake, they go to a country club with bars on the windows.
Then
there is O.J. Simpson.
No
use getting angry with Bryant over this. He is a two-dimensional
test tube human. He does not deal with life as we do. He is a
walking billboard, a public relations machine. He plays basketball
and sells fast food and sneakers. He wears expensive suits and
hangs with big celebrities. Everything that exists around Bryant
is barely real, like a parallel universe, only with more fun.
Evidence
of Bryant's inability to understand our reality versus his own
became apparent when he was first accused of raping a woman weeks
ago. That is when he laughed at the ridiculous nature of doing
such a thing. Not him. He was adamant about that. The whole thing
didn't compute for him.
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Everything
that exists around Bryant is barely real, like a parallel
universe, only with more fun.
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Then
emerged the famous three letters that once had a president going
from vehement denials to mia culpas in a Washington minute; DNA.
With DNA involved, Bryant went from guffawing at the Espy Awards
in an Italian suit to a conciliatory press conference in a Gap
sweater and loafers in 24 hours. This kind of backtrack would
give most humans whiplash. But not the two-dimensional test tube
types. They're pliable.
Alas,
physical evidence is tough on the rich and famous, but it doesn't
mean jail.
However,
it is always nice hearing the two-dimensional test tube person
offering pangs of love in public displays of humility. This is
their substitute for excusing all possibility of higher crimes
by referring to reality fuck-ups as "mistakes". This is what these
people do. They talk about mistakes as if victims of circumstance,
that by merely existing outside their two-dimensional pods they
are vulnerable.
Take
Michael Jackson for example. His is the mother of all two-dimensional
test tube lives. Kobe Bryant has only been two-dimensional since
the age of 18. Jackson has been at it since 7. He is so far gone
on the parallel universe that a mountain of physical evidence
and heinous crimes, financial misappropriations or irrational
maneuvers with infants could not get him near a jail cell. We
don't even see Michael as human anymore.
But
back to Bryant.
It's
important to point out that there is a good chance that the man,
while guilty of the two-dimensional test tube "mistake", is innocent
of a crime. Impressionable youth around two-dimensional test tube
lives can be heady. Things happen. Things us reality people wouldn't
understand. Mistakes.
But
all that is window dressing, because Kobe Bryant is not going
to jail. High-priced lawyers, media smear campaigns, well-orchestrated
news events and quiet pay-offs, but jail?
That's
three-dimensional thinking.
Reality
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