|
Aquarian
Weekly 4/4/07
REALITY CHECK
WHY
I SHOULD BE A JUROR
The following was presented to the Passaic County Courthouse
on 3/27/07 in care of the honorable Assignment Judge Robert. J.
Passero. Unfortunately or fortunately the author did not stick
around long enough to experience the privilege of serving as a
juror. He was dismissed for being a freelance journalist.
Your
honor,
In
accordance with my citizen's duty, I am obliged to show up today
raring to judge. Lucky for you and the great state of New Jersey,
judging others is one of my strongest attributes. I have taken
the art beyond mere hobby. To judge, for me, is a way of life.
And, be assured, I do not take lightly the right to join a congress
of my peers to cast aspersion on another in legal and binding
terms. On the contrary, I am deadly serious about the opportunity
to stand between someone's freedom and incarceration, pay-off
or rip-off, fractured contractual agreements and daily mishap.
If I may be so bold, I say Yee-Ha!
I
have also accepted that we now live in a police state, and to
stand against the jack-boot mentality would only alert the authorities
to my otherwise radical subculture lifestyle, and this will not
stand. Not with summer coming and my thirst for questionable activities
gaining sickening momentum in my heart. If nothing else, for the
sake of propriety and subterfuge, I shall act attentively prosaic
and do my part.
Last,
but certainly not least, I thought, being straddled with this
damnable writer tag, it is also my duty to express some of my
personal feelings about this whole "standing in judgment" thing.
First
off I think the Biblical axiom attributed to Jesus about "not
judging, lest ye be judged" is silly. This is a scurrilous misquote,
among a glaring host in the thing. Jesus was a big-time judger.
He judged the sick and the lame, the criminal element, and the
overall loons of his society as enviable reflections of a flawed
Godhead. He also made it his business to judge religious folk
as hypocritical vipers damned to a soulless eternity of blackness.
Far be it for some twenty-first century middle-class jackass like
me to argue with that kind of beautiful craziness. So count me
in.
Secondly,
I am well acquainted with guilt. As Master George Carlin once
said, "I don't need to see any evidence, I can pick out the guilty
right off." I'm guilty. You're guilty. Who isn't? No one is purely
innocent. The whole system is out of order. We can't handle the
truth. All of that. I feel guilty for even writing this. I'm sorry.
I take it back. I feel better now. You see? Guilt is good.
Finally,
if you must know, I think the law is more or less a nifty concept,
when and if it applies to my general philosophy. In the interest
of full disclosure, let me list some of the prime examples for
you:
1.
I will never have a hand in convicting anyone of strictly a drug-related
crime. I do not believe drugs, any drugs, or in the case of this
country, certain recreational drugs, should be illegal. To qualify
my meaning of "strictly" - the possession of or selling of said
drugs. If a person goes mental on drugs and stabs his grandmother
or steals my car to pay for a drug habit, then all bets are off.
I do not see these infractions as "drug-related", however. They
are related to the acts of stupid fuck-ups. Stupid fuck-ups come
in all shapes and sizes, whether on drugs or booze or caffeine
or dumbstruck by any other vice. I read somewhere some dipshit
went ballistic after seeing a Disney film and shot a grocer. Should
we then ban Goofy? I think not. It is our character, not our use
of narcotics that makes us guilty.
2.
I'm a big fan of the death penalty for rapists. The type of rape
matters not. Rape equals death. I also think the victim should
get to perform the execution, and not some pussy lethal injection
either. Chain the fuckers up and let the woman have at it with
the medieval weapon of her choice, a mace, spear, sword, or whatever
the big log with the spike in it is called. Also, women rapists
don't count. Men expend countless amounts of energy fantasizing
about being raped by a woman, any woman. Believe it. And no sexy
teacher seducing a teenaged boy is going to jail on my watch either.
I just would like to know where these teachers were when I was
breaking the world record for jacking off.
3.
The penalty for any questionable business practice, whether ripping
off the government, illegally dumping toxic waste, corporate tax
shelters, bait-and-switch, outright lying, surreptitious sub-contracting,
insider bribes, identity theft, conning the elderly, or shitty
customer service should be punishable by rank. In other words,
find the CEO or president of the company or proprietor of the
concern and castrate him, or remove the uterus if it happens to
be a woman. These people cannot be allowed to produce offspring.
And please, mother of God, let me sit on that jury.
4. Crooked politicians should be taken to the state capital and
exposed in stocks. In addition, each taxpaying citizen of the
county/state/township gets to come down and throw one piece of
rotten fruit at them. If it is a servant of the federal government,
the accused is to be shackled to the Capital rotunda and all tourists
(they must be American citizens) get to kick them in the ass for
one month.
5.
All celebrities breaking the law, with the notable exception of
substance abuse, should be deported. Just kick them the hell out
of the country for life.
6.
Any persons torturing animals must be sentenced to listening to
my wife scream in their faces until they become unconscious, and
then taken to live in a dog kennel for no shorter than one calendar
year.
7.
Since your courthouse stands in downtown Paterson, home of an
alarming number of 9/11 hijackers, I would be remiss in not mentioning
terrorists. I believe anyone caught in the act of terrorism should
be executed on the spot. If they are Muslim, shoot them with bullets
dipped in pigs' blood, like Patton. This way they are defiled
and cannot go to heaven with all the virgins.
I
appreciate your time and consideration and want to thank you for
allowing me the opportunity to make public my hopes and dreams
for a stronger and more God-fearing democracy. The court system
is the backbone of our society and it is only as good as those
who sit in the jurors' box. I only hope, nay, pray that more people
think as I do with the same awe and fervor for our great institution
of law.
Yours
in litigation,
jc
Reality
Check | Pop Culture | Politics
| Sports | Music
|
