Aquarian Weekly 12/25/02
REALITY CHECK

A GEORGETOWN CHRISTMAS

People in Cary, North Carolina, the third latch on the Bible Belt, would like to know what the hell happened to global warning. Crippled by an ice storm and sub-southern temperatures has heat lunatics like my mother re-consulting the equator map. But I only broach the bizarre weather trends of the state that kept a burping fossil like Jesse Helms fouling up Capitol Hill for decades because that is where I had my annual holiday chat with my GOP insider, and otherwise vitriolic patriot, Georgetown.

Talking politics in this time of peace on earth and fat guys dressed like 8th avenue pimps tends to put a refreshing twist on a season usually spent praying that the suicide rate might curtail for a change.

After late hours making sense of these tapes, here is what I offer as a holiday gift to those comfortable in the arena of the absurd:

jc: I think I need to begin with Trent Lott.

Georgetown: What could you possibly need to know? That the party is distancing itself from him? That the president was demanding speeches decrying his insensitivity twenty seconds after that pile of god-awful bullshit left his mouth? That he will not survive this? Okay. Fine. Make that your angle. It's hip.

jc: I sense a predictable defense.

GT: I only point out that the freedom of expression so cherished by yourself and other quick-to-criticize hacks only applies to journalistic commentary or artistic integrity, but obviously does not extend to observations by civil servants. I only defend the man's right to speak his mind. You think by evoking the hypothetical presidency of Strom Thurmond it's some sort of racist pledge?

jc: No, but it does make him some kind of idiot. The whole thing was like hearing about another Mike Tyson meltdown.

GT: It was a big mistake, yes.

jc: My favorite defense of Lott's remarks was Bob Novak citing that it was only an aside uttered at a birthday party. Sure, and at a cocktail get-together at Tavern on the Green three other senators were bemoaning desegregated busing. Not really newsworthy, after all, it was only a birthday party.

GT: Don't quote Novak to me while I'm digesting beef.

jc: I think the comments speak less about Lott's racist views than it does about his constituency. I think Lott set the image of the southern politician back a few decades.

GT: Hey, things got a little silly after we took back control of the Senate. For a few weeks before Thanksgiving there was this 1994 high all over again. I could swear I saw the ghost of Newt's ego guzzling forty year-old scotch from the belly button of a Virginia Tech coed.

jc: What's the over/under on Lott's resignation by New Year's Day?

GT: Deals are being discussed right now. It's a fucking shame.

jc: So this brave face bullshit is just that.

GT: He's a dead man.

jc: Why is the president letting this Iraqi thing drag out when he acts like a guy with his armed cocked at a bar fight? Does he even intend on listening to these weapons inspectors?

GT: Not particularly. It's window dressing. Carpet bombing starts somewhere around Super Bowl time. Might even do it as a halftime special.

jc: It works better as a pregame extravaganza.

GT: Whatever floats the boat.

jc: Scale of one to ten, ten being war and one being peace.

GT: Ten. No avoiding this. The hope of this administration has always been, since the last time you asked me this, what…last summer, is that an inner Iraqi coup will reveal itself and the US military will be only glad to lend a hand. This way the fingerprints will be on Arab special forces. Then we can tell the Saudis to fuck off.

jc: So your assessment from last summer ("A Mid-Summer Night's Stand-Off" 7/17/02 & "Bare Knuckle Jungle": 7/24/02) remains that it is not whether there will be fighting, but to what degree this country will be overtly responsible for it.

GT: Things only change in the media, not in this administration. Not since they finished counting those votes for the fifteenth time down in Florida.

jc: How much does Rumsfeld know about the current spirits of Iraqi revolutionaries?

GT: I'm not telling you that. jc: I'll take that as "a whole bunch".

GT: You'd be wrong to do it.

jc: If Bush is trying to sell this war then why would the CIA be withholding info on Iraq's involvement in al Qaeda?

GT: Why not? Who does it benefit to leak proof to the NY Times? The UN? The UN doesn't want blood on its hands. Never does. Those cowardly fuckers would rather it be all over the US. But secretly there is another side, and the CIA is not going to allow the UN to put up a weak-ass political fight on this.

jc: So let me get what your saying straight. Are you intimating that the UN wants military action, but its playing political footsies with the Bush administration to force its hand?

GT: I'm saying this: People who need to know will know when it is time for them to know.

jc: Here's where we cue James Bond.

GT: The CIA works for the United States government, not the UN.

jc: This concept is well hidden.

GT: Operating a defense of this country with our political heads so far up Kofi Annan's ass has not been easy, believe me when I tell you that..

jc: Would you like to expound on the present GOP stranglehold on Congress?

GT: I told you in July that anyone not on board with the War Against Terror better quit now. I think the vote bared that out. This economy is for shit. But if Bush thinks this will fly for another 16 months he's sadly mistaken.

jc: How many funerals have we had for Al Gore now?

GT: Counting those fifteen recounts and that abysmal SNL hosting job, I think we might be in the twenties.

jc: He dropped out because…

GT: Okay, I've got one for you: The 2006 campaign for the Dems will be about a Clinton all right, but not Hillary. This is Big Bill's pony to ride now. Clinton is already riling up the troops and has his three or four finalists to be his mouthpiece. And if there is one guy not invited to that party it's Al Gore. That's a fact.

jc: A puppet regime with Willie leading the charge.

GT: You win a prize.

jc: One last one, will Chaney run with Captain Shoe-in again?

GT: Too early to tell, but if this Iraq mess is still unresolved, absolutely. If it is not, my guess is he will step aside for health concerns giving Bush a younger running mate to take on the Clinton wave. Mark it down.

jc: Marked.

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