Aquarian Weekly 5/10/06
REALITY CHECK

PRAISE BE TO OIL BARONS
Why Chairmen Of Huge Oil Companies Should Be Worshipped As Gods

And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.
- Genesis:17-8

I have finally found religion, and with it, a god I can bank on. The religion? Oil profits. The emissaries of this god are the chairmen of the companies showing these miraculous, some might say, sanctified profits. Yahweh has nothing on these guys. Allah? A piker. Jesus? Well, he did say, "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name." Of course he was talking about retired Exxon Mobil CEO, Lee Raymond, who recently collected a $400 million send-off package. This is not a typo. $400 million. Really. What invisible omnipotent monotheistic patriarch can deal with that? None. What new age nonsense peddled by nincompoops like Tom Cruise can provide this kind of beatific joy? Nada. The Bible says Abraham was a grossly wealthy man, but even he couldn't hold a menorah to Lee Raymond.

If there is such a thing as a kingdom of heaven it resides at Exxon Mobil, and/or Conoco or Chevron, who have all reported records profits over the past calendar year and recently set all-time records for cash flow. These companies are not just in the black, they are in the deepest of black, the blackest of all black, or as Nigel from Spinal Tap might say, "None more black".

How black, smoky?

According to the Wall Street Journal, the bible of our new and improved religion, this past January, Exxon posted the highest quarterly profits of any public company in history: $10.71 billion for the fourth quarter of 2005 and $36.13 billion for the full year. The highest profit margin in history. History! These people are printing money. Not even drug dealing, pornography, or gambling rakes in that kind of scratch.

This is why the American people see this as some sort of crime. It has to be. "The rich bastards are insatiable fiends!" Bullshit. Not a crime - perfectly legal, or the perfect crime, if you will. Perfection. This is the aim of all the world's religions. But they suck air compared to this. I dare say sex sucks air compared to this. Can we call it the greatest thing known to living man? Sure. Why not? World record profits from something as asinine as refining a natural resource? It's insane, but true. It makes raising Lazarus look like a bad David Blaine Special.

All big-time oil companies are riding high, but the true god is Exxon Mobil Corp. This past week they posted the fifth highest quarterly profit for any public company in history, and with oil prices above $70 a barrel it could go down as the company's weakest quarter of the year. It's a goddamn down turn and they're in the top five earning periods ever! Stockholders are outraged! "Christ, what has become of our golden cash cow? Send Moses up the mountain for a few more tablets!" Thou Shall Not Point The Graph Downward.

Raymond forbid.

Profit is no crime. It is masterful business practice. It is as pristine as transmogrification. Better. Transmogrifying is crap. Ascending into heaven? Why? When you can have more money then, say, God? Yeah!

Remember, all of the world's religions started out as some kind of crime against the cultural landscape. Have an open mind here. It's all I ask. Jehovah's Witnesses are always yammering on and on about eternal rewards. To hell with that, jack, true rewards come in the black gold!

These numbers are so off the charts and gas prices are rising at such an alarming rate that Congress is now investigating and the president is making speeches standing at the pumps. Congress? The president? Are we supposed to buy that these whores aren't on the take? All of a sudden after years of generous government appropriations, environmental regulation rollbacks, conglomerate tax breaks, and Middle East wars that there isn't enough moolah to spread around? Right. And the AMA isn't pushing Pfizer products. Halliburton isn't making a windfall from dead soldiers. Yes, sir. Everyone is innocent.

The perfectly legal crime.

No crime. Religion. Feel the love. Open your hearts and wallets. Past the basket! Praise the Petroleum! Give 'til it hurts. Volatile flammable liquid hydrocarbon mixtures for believers! Infidels be damned!

Face, it, the only crime here is that you and me aren't in on the take. You pump uncontrollably into these gas-guzzling monstrosities I see you dingbats trying to parallel park on Third Avenue, and for every gallon the gods take in 9.5 cents. Nearly 10 cents a gallon profit! And then they grease these robotic anti-environmental, capitalistic mouthpieces to defend your right to own as big a vehicle as you want. "Don't let the tree-huggers tell you that you can't drive a Hummer! Drive whatever you please! As long as it takes gasoline, sucker. Lost and lots of gasoline."

Have you accepted Exxon Mobile as you personal savior? Well, then…you're shit out of luck, pal. Get on board. Get born again! It's all the rage. But instead of some silly non-profit salvation, you get to buy mansions with high brick walls and moats and sail yachts and purchase small islands in the pacific so you can treat people like lepers.

I read in last month's Forbes that Chevron's CEO David O'Reilly pulled in $37 million in total compensation last year while doing the moonwalk across the main office's water fountain. He might have healed the sick and the lame, but you won't find too many infirmed at the company picnic this year. Their souls are safe as milk.

Business Week also ran a series this past winter on James Mulva, Conoco Phillips' CEO, who received $17 million for a Christmas Bonus. There is no truth to the rumor that he was visited by three wise men, but there is plenty of evidence he was able to move several miles of the Rocky Mountains rather than take the long walk himself. "Fuck Mohammad," Mulva proudly stated. "He only moved one mountain! I moved a whole friggin' range!"

Later in the six-page spread, Dick Chaney was incensed to find an unflattering artist's rendering of Mulva in the Washington Post. The vice president was quite adamant that any cartoon depiction of Oil Barons would be grounds for death. Many Chevron employees considered rioting, but they were too busy at the bank.

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