Aquarian Weekly 6/14/00
REALITY CHECK

FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Case 1,653: Dr. Laura vs. GLAAD

“All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.”
- George Orwell
"Animal Farm"

There continues to be a difficulty among Americans as to the veracity of the First Amendment. It is an article of law which gives every citizen of this republic the right to speak one’s mind without the fear of government oppression. This does not include endangering others. It does include upsetting and defaming others with the notable exception of Lord Libel and Duke Slander. Everything else is, as they like to say at 4:00 am on McDougal Street, is “Nothin’ but a pawty.”

Keeping these hard facts and cold logic in our back pockets we shall proceed to yet another case of mistaken constitutional identity by humming charlatans, who, for many strange and puzzling reasons, revisit the terrible tunes that allow for anything anyone says to be swallowed with anything more than a smirk and a cookie.

A woman by the name of Laura Schlessinger, who considers herself a doctor and not a performing seal, hosts a talk show baring her name. She uses these daily hours of Marconi’s instrument to disseminate her own words, which she considers wisdom and not a stream of hyperbole meant to boost ratings and gather an audience. Schlessinger is quite adamant about a variance of subjects. She has been very adamant about two particular ones. The good doctor considers homosexuals a “biological error” and unwed mothers “immoral”.

Enter the noisy souls over at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) and the National Organization For Women (NOW), who have rightfully taken umbrage to these silly musings. These two groups, allowed to pass off their own sillies as wit and wisdom daily, have taken it upon themselves to try and force the good doctor from a pending Paramount produced television show.

Last year Schlessinger went the same route trying to put a halt to a kid’s skateboard magazine and the stores that dared carry something she deemed “immoral” and “deviant” and rapped it all in the guise of saving the children of planet earth. Then she backed out of a CBS deal that would have her working for the same “demons” who employee Howard Stern, harboring a fleeting sense of grandiose self-righteousness saved for television preachers.

Ironically, or poetically, Schlessinger finds herself on the same raft caught in a storm front of crazies using the media to drum up enough wild anger to put the fear of the almighty (dollar not God) into the hearts of mother sponsors.

No sponsors, no show. No show, no Schlessinger. No Schlessinger, no hate mongering toward that tiny corner of the world where boo meets hoo and all the pretty pictures look like the ones in our tiny swimming brains.

Nonsense with extreme prejudice.

While the New York Times, the LA Times, Daily Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Ad Age and Broadcasting & Cable print huge ads decry the talk show host as Satan on wheels Procter & Gamble, United Airlines and soon to follow AT&T and American Express back off. This is no crime. Newspapers need to sell newspapers. Television is the home of swill and barley and would sooner burn the last remaining electrodes in your brain than consider things involving the U.S. Constitution. And sponsors? Needless to say that as long as something prevents the separation of human from currency, there is no need consulting them.

The crime here is hypocrisy and overindulgence.

It is hard to find anyone to root for in this mess, but when all else fails it is comfy to remember that although your smarmy neighbor might not like your opinion or profession or how and why you go about it, there isn’t a fucking thing they can do about it. And when that wonderfully loony patriot, John Adams stood in front of a bunch of angry slave-owners bucking for a freedom ride from Concord to Yorktown and barked, “I may not agree with you, sir, but I would die for your right to say it” he banged the spike right on the head.

God bless that maniac. It was rogues like him that made it possible for Laura Schlessinger to get all Bible crazy and tell 18 million Americans that sexual preference and circumstance has pissed off the supreme being and it’s her job to pass on the bad news. And if it weren’t for those who came up with the concepts of freedom GLAAD and NOW would be in cell block 15 being beaten by crack heads and gun thieves.

That is supposed to be the beauty of this country. People can spew forth the most bilious crapolla and pass themselves off as authority and it’s our job to either listen carefully, heed, chuckle or move in the other direction with increasing speed. But when those same people start saying that their opposition can’t do the same then we have to put up the proverbial red flag.

All the while, it always important to remember that talk show hosts are no more qualified to determine your personal feelings or judge your inner pride than a circus clown or professional wrestler (or dumbass hick relief pitcher from Georgia). And it is far more pertinent to hold dear the age-old sentiment that groups with cute names and logos and access to bullhorns are no more an authority on who should be allowed to speak and earn a living as the boy scouts or the National Rifle Association.

To review:

Freedom of Speech - just as important to whining protesters as it is to ignorant show-biz folk.

Humans are hairless apes with indoor plumbing - all the wattage or newspaper space in the world should never hold any weight with John Q. Public and his sister Passerby.

If you’re not particularly enamored with any of this please do one of two things - fuck off or tell me to do the same.

The deal is struck - you don’t stop me from saying it and I won’t stop you from disagreeing.

Class dismissed.

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