Aquarian Weekly 3/14/07
REALITY CHECK

A RELUCTANT GUIDE TO CAMPAIGN 2008
Part I - The Democrats

I tried to avoid this. I really did.

We're 11 months from a primary and 20 months from the actual 2008 Election Day, and yet almost every news source, annoying blog, damnable 24-hour news channel, and political media outlet is hemming and hawing about the candidates. There must be 40 of these people, of which about five have the cash, balls, or the will to endure the nearly two-years of repeated and vicious beatings from the press and each other. In some cases it has already begun. And in a current media climate wherein a Britney Spears haircut and the death of an airhead spawn front pages and 'round-the-clock coverage, it's as juicy as juicy gets.

Granted, this time it will be as different as any of us have ever seen much less covered: No incumbent. Hopefully Dick Cheney will be dead by then, but if not, pretty much as useless as he is now. He's a doddering old maniac as it is; can you imagine if he had to sell himself as a legitimate candidate? Wow. Many smart constitutional historians are on record as stating if a monster like Cheney even considered running for president the very concept of democracy would fold in its wake. He is the sole reason Captain Shoo-In will never be impeached.

So assuming cat litter would torch the vice president in an election, the field is wide open. The parties are currently in flux. Republicans are still licking their wounds from this past November's disaster and will be straddled with a lame duck Frat Boy in the Oval Office who, if track record is any indication, will likely be in the low teens in approval ratings by summer's end. The Democrats, wild with enthusiasm now, seem on a collision course for populist fall-out, and must make a better stand against the Iraq occupation or face a hiccup in their momentum.

This is the real reason I was reluctant to cover the candidates so early in this thing in the first place. Sixty days is a long time in Washington. In 600 days there might not even be a Washington.

But the pull is strong. We do not make the news here, we comment on it. And far be it for me to turn my back on the pomp and bull that has already begun on the campaign trail. And so, for our first commentary on the 2008 presidential race, we give you the early tale of the tape:

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Key Word: Ambition

The most dangerous of all candidates because she thinks she deserves this. Years of eating her husband's shit for this opportunity has made Clinton angry and determined. She has more money behind her than any candidate in history already.

Key Strength:

Mean Senator Rodham has the worst kind of humans running her campaign, not the least of which is her morally bankrupt husband and the demon Terry McAuliffe. Both men have no souls and are as wicked as homo sapiens get during campaigns. This will serve her well dismantling all comers.

Key Weakness:

Calculating The former first lady is the most hated among front-runners. She rubs people the wrong way because she is disingenuous at the least and a flat-out lying machine at her worst. Her shifty move to the center on the Iraq occupation has alienated a good many Democrats and will make securing the primary against anti-war sentiment tougher.

Creepiest Moment Thus Far:

Internet Launch Anyone not getting the willies watching that "Let's have a chat" announcement of her candidacy on the nifty web site evidently enjoys watching kittens strangled.

Outlook:

Although she is manlier than Dennis Kucinich, she does have a vagina. This is extremely troubling to a majority of this backwards, puritanical nation of goobers. Good luck.

Barack Obama

Key Word: Untainted

Obama has been in Washington for 15 minutes, and he will remind you of this repeatedly because the bellow for change in '06 and backlash over bipartisan bickering has reached new heights in the supposed "fragile national psyche". This also makes him the media darling, for now. Remember so was Howard Dean weeks before the primaries, and in a mere hundred hours was road kill.

Key Strength: No Record

The new kid on the block means having no nasty, binding voting record, or even the kind of vacillating, flip-flop debate-addled nonsense that killed the Kerry '04 campaign. No one knows what the hell this guy stands for, really. He can make it up as he goes, which, for a while, keeps him fresh and desirable. But, again, time has a way of marching on, or in the case of Teflon candidates, marching over them.

Key Weakness:

Lofty Expectations

Right now Obama is perfect: Young, optimistic, handsome, a completely new hybrid of race, personal metal, and enthusiasm. In other words: Completely impossible to live up to over the long haul. The littlest sheen is removed and the sharks come a-courtin'. Check out the whole David Geffen fall-out. Insiders are already questioning his silly; "I will not play politics of personal destruction" craziness. And well they should.

Creepiest Moment Thus Far:

Lincoln Reference Obama standing on the steps of the Illinois Courthouse invoking the name of Lincoln makes even the most starry-eyed of his worshipers cringe. It's not bad enough this guy is compared to a young JFK, we have to start the Lincoln parralells now?

Outlook:

Okay, someone needs to point out that a preponderance of the national voting public finds it impossible even considering liberal Democrats, a black guy named Obama with the middle name Hussein is asking a lot. Good luck.

John Edwards

Key Word: Populist

Edwards is the perfect presidential candidate: A white lawyer from the South who promises roads paved with gold. They may as well just have picked him from central casting. He has more experience (on the national stump and in congress) than any other front-runner, and has, thanks to disasters like Katrina and many of the middleclass not benefiting from a steadying economy, captured the populist "Two America's" concept well.

Key Strength: Not black or a woman.

Key Weakness: Already a loser as VP candidate once

This is a tough comeback for anyone not named Nixon. Creepiest Moment Thus Far: No one could forget those kissy-face sessions masquerading as debates between Edwards and Cheney. Outlook: Least exciting candidate for primaries, but history and voter trends put him as the most electable. I'll believe change when I see it.

Dark Horse: Bill Richardson - Most qualified, great record as governor (governors normally get elected) and sits in the weeds during these vacuous, almost meaningless early months. But can he raise enough money to combat the big boys and girl?

Long Shot: Al Gore - I have spent an adulthood comparing him to Nixon. If he comes back and people naively recall his 2000 near-win as something of an omen and there is a logjam at the top, he could (gulp!) make a run. No Shot: Joe Biden, Wesley Clarke, et al.

NEXT WEEK: Republicans

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