Aquarian Weekly 7/6/05
REALITY CHECK

CAVEAT EMPTOR

"I just don't think it's the role of the United States to walk into a country and say, we do it this way, so should you ....but I think one way for us to end up being viewed as the ugly American is for us to go around the world saying, we do it this way, so should you…..I think the United States must be humble and must be proud and confident of our values, but humble in how we treat nations that are figuring out how to chart their own course."
- Candidate George W. Bush Second Gore-Bush Presidential Debate October 11, 2000

"We're helping Iraqis build a free nation that is an ally in the war on terror. We're advancing freedom in the broader Middle East. We are removing a source of violence and instability and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren."
- President George W. Bush
June 28, 2005

After the unmitigated disaster of polls prior to and during the 2004 presidential election it is a wonder any of us pay attention to this shit anymore. According to most polls John Kerry is president now. Didn't you get the memo? I know one thing; if I were still invited to the press club in DC I would move to have John Zogby tarred and feathered and then have his bleeding carcass shot out of a cannon into the Potomac for the dime-store fraud he perpetuated on this country's voting psyche on November 2. But this is the very reason my credentials were revoked in the first place, so let's not revisit ancient history.

Speaking of ancient history, I understand now 60% of Americans are against Baby Bush's Iraq War, or, to be more specific, the handling of said conflict. Fuck them. Who are these idiots? Did they stay home on Election Day or are they the obligatory face of the American consumer: hyped up with the impulse to run up the credit on frivolous trappings only to end up with the hangover of buyer's remorse. Well these assholes don't get a do-over. They handed the guy with the bloody maw a blank check and he's taking it to the bank, and there isn't a fucking thing you or six silly members of this flaccid congress can do about it.

This is the grand flaw in the Zogby logic: Polling the American people in the first place. Take the pulse of the easily duped and terribly spoiled? You'd have a better time asking your five-year-old kid what he thinks of the Bush Doctrine at this juncture. 60%? I've never seen anything more ridiculous, like people pressuring Karl Rove to apologize for calling liberals wimps. To hell with them. If that's what he thinks good for him. I think all bald, bespectacled white conservatives are impotent, and I'm not apologizing for it, and neither should he. If that's what he thinks, why take it back?

And you can't take back Baby Bush either. He is our boy. We rubber-stamped this thing. It was in all the papers: Bush Wins Second Term. Check the Internet, I'm pretty sure you'll find details of it there. And if I'm not mistaken there's also a clear record on this war Captain Shoo-In bet his presidency on in the spring of 2003, one year before he had to defend his job, and defend it he did, successfully. He was the man with the plan. John Kerry was a heathen war criminal and Ralph Nader was nuts. Remember?

I penned those thoughts some 33 hours before the president took to the airwaves to rally the troops again. I normally wait to dissect the madness, but I have an early deadline, and the last thing I want to do before four frightfully inebriated days of independence celebration is sit up until three in the morning trying to make sense of the nonsense that passes for a Commander-in-Chief Pep Rally.

But I am a weak man. I need the pap. I crave the flag-waving salute your daddy nonsense that extricates the young from their limbs. I cannot help myself. I am a patriot, true and true. I have a primal need to be snowed by my leaders. From the Halls of Montezuma…

And our Commander-in-Chief did not disappoint, evoking Independence Day and 9/11 and the Civil War and the ghosts of Patrick Henry and Audie Murphy. It was brilliant and heartwarming and so criminally deceptive I had to call the police, but they did not seem to care. The West Milford Department Chief told me to turn off the set and read a book. "God damn it, Campion. You cannot call the cops every time you see some dunderhead with a blue tie comes on television to lie to you about a war. We're busy over here shooting bear!"

But enough about my delusions or the president's for that matter. Bush was right about one thing during the campaign last year, he is nothing if not consistent. He gave us a clear choice. He has not wavered on this mess, nor should he. And now he has your confidence, legal and binding, as all elections are, or are sold to be, at least not as innocuous as these miserable Zogby Lies. No sane majority outside of Germany can be as stupid as to elect a president during a war ten months ago and then whine like bratty children if they feel suckered. First its All For It, Daddy! Now it's Bring The Boys Home?

This thing is so fucked even the Secretary of Defense had the balls to admit in front of a Senate Committee that he begged the president to resign…twice! But GW isn't that dumb. Rumsfeld is going down with the ship, or at least the part of the ship that sinks below the surface while he's still running things. I'm sure the Secretary of Defense will live to a ripe old age, but the fallout of his fantastically inept war plans will take more than a decade to disappear into the surf.

I feel for all you people with 10-year-old boys. They will be tickling the trigger of a gun soon, and it will be law, because at this rate, a more than 40% drop-off in recruiting, the jig is up. The kids are no longer falling for the 9/11 Weepy Bullshit Speeches anymore. They see their friends coming back in pieces or in boxes and they would rather get laid and have a joint and hit the beach. Maybe we can suit up Dick Chaney's daughters and strap them to the Kilroy Was Here missiles. It will be gangbusters for morale.

Caveat Emptor.

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