ARTISTS AGAINST
PURITAN GOAT FUCKERS

SIGN UP NOW!!

BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO ANNOY ANYONE THREATENING YOUR FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION AND HELP AN ANGRY JOURNALIST CASH IN ON THE AMERICAN POLITICAL SYSTEM.

It is my plan to earn an obscene payoff for illegal activities, including, among other gems, fraud, laundering, blackmail and journalism all wrapped up in a neat little package with one goal: Make myself independently wealthy enough to sufficiently create a special interest clan called the AAPGF: Artists Against Puritan Goat Fuckers.

AND I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm still working on the name, and not because Goat Fuckers is too strong and possibly offensive to the PETA crowd. On the contrary, Goat Fuckers stays, but if you really want to get something done inside the Beltway you need eye-opening political contributions and AAPGF is a difficult sound bite pronunciation for the producers of Hardball. And make no mistake, we'll be spending quality television time making a ruckus and getting the ear of politicos with power dreams.

Initially the AAPGF would secure a finer ride for its president, maybe something in a Mercedes convertible and perhaps larger carnivorous fish for the recently manicured moat surrounding the Putnam Bunker. A close second would be the actual group, a heavy-bacon watchdog agency railing against any level of censorship. Major contributions from solvent creative types, huge studios and productions companies will help purchase the odd congressmen and senator, who we'll ride through the system and crush any bill threatening the First Amendment.

TELL MANY OF YOUR EASILY INFLUENCED FRIENDS!

Plan B would be to stockpile the funds and go the other way for laughs. Ramrod the bill home with my pal Caddy over at the McCain office and pass the power of campaigns into the hands of the journalists. Then we'll see who gets the serious kickbacks, that can, and will be funneled into a private cartel of freaks threatening anyone seen trying to regulate anything remotely creative.

The AAPGF will not back down to any laws hampering our near-libel attempts at painting enemies of free expression as Morality Thugs and Fear Pimps, our two favorite pejorative monikers. Murder and rape are worthy causes, but where is the support for people wanting to photograph 100 nudes on Wall Street or painting elephant shit on religious icons?

ROGUE ATTORNEYS WANTED!

And while the freelance scribe business is both utterly degrading and grossly underpaid, it does have its setbacks. Why can't an eager sod like myself take the American dream and abuse it to absurd degrees, with vague references to voicing the disgruntled nature of the bored and frightened, and cash in on the effort? I ask you: Can you deny a fellow patriot his right to buy happiness?

SIGN UP NOW!!

Reality Check | Pop Culture | Politics | Sports | Music